How to Cure Neediness

How to Cure Neediness

Dear Asian Rake David,

Quick question: I’ve got this nagging feeling of ‘neediness’ that I haven’t been able to shake. I think I’ve been too influenced by having had a long-term relationship because my ex-girlfriend and I used to do everything together”watch movies, go on holidays, etc. I’m wondering if you ever experienced the same thing. Any tips on how to resolve this?

Yours, Mitchell

Hey Mitchell,

Yeah, I totally know what you mean. There is good news and bad news for you.

The bad news

In fact, what you are feeling is something that will probably take a long time to go away. For me, I continued to feel this in any slow period of my life. “Slow” as in I wasn’t busy with work AND I was only seeing one or two girls at the time. It took me over two years to learn how to control this feeling.

The good news

This is relatively easy to correct in the moment. But the corrective is more like a palliative. There is a deeper root issue that needs to be addressed in order to deal with this permanently.

For quick fixes, you should do stuff to change your emotional states.

1. Let it all out.

First, have a nice cry and self-pity session to let it all out, but keep it to less than a half hour or so. Do NOT contact any women when you are in this state.

Then, take immediate action.

2. Eliminate the mental garbage from pop media.

I find that throwing out all those pathetic, cheesy, girly, romantic-comedy movies was a significant factor. Especially avoid anything from Korea, lol. Instead, watch manly movies or shows like Fight Club or Entourage.

Also, don’t listen to any songs having to do with love or romance. Yes, that’s the majority of pop songs. Instead, I like to listen to instrumental jazz or some martial classical music. It gets your mind moving in the right direction.

Think about the difference between Jay-Z and Dashboard Confessional. The latter is a whiny emo band and all of their songs are self-indulgent pity fests about how in love he is with some girl. The former, well how about this line… Not guilty, he who does not feel me is not real to me, therefore he doesn’t exist so poof…vamoose son of a bitch. I always think about drawing conclusions between champs and chumps.

3. Talk it out with a good friend who will challenge you.

You could phone a good guy friend who is more mature than you, and just talk out your feelings of neediness with him. He should challenge you to man the f-ck up and to help you realize how irrational you are feeling.

4. Take care of your biochemistry.

Watch what you eat. Do not indulge in sugary or oily foods. That bowl of ice cream or gravy-drenched poutine might make you feel better while you’re eating it, but you will pay emotionally and physically for a lot longer after you’re done.

Instead, fill your body with food that will nourish you and release good neurotransmitters. What you want is the good stuff”dopamine, serotonin, endorphins. Stock up on high protein foods like fish, chicken, eggs, almonds, and dark green veggies. You can also try high carbohydrate foods like whole grain bread and pastas, rice, cereal, and juicy fruits.

Hit the gym HARD. Work out your body. Do something physical. Reconnect with your physicality so that you’re not always in your head. Do some martial arts. Hit the punching bag. Jump in the ring and do some sparring.

As a sidenote, every Asian man (indeed, every man) should master some martial art. I did Kung Fu and Tae Kwon-do as a kid, rising to the level of a junior black belt by the time I hit high school. But I hadn’t done much training since then until I moved to Singapore, where I quickly discovered martial arts gyms on every corner, including some martial arts clubs with full-on boxing rings, Muay Thai rings, MMA cages, and the works. I’ve since gotten a private trainer for Krav Maga, and it’s been awesome for physical conditioning, preparing me for street fighting, and making me feel more balanced and centered emotionally and mentally.

For a good long-term fix, as well as a short-term kick, Nick advises drop and go compliments”dropping random compliments, then leaving. The key is walking away without hesitation after you deliver it. You’re not looking for anything back from her. You’re not allowed to even concern yourself with her response. Just drop and go. That way you’re both giving and habituating yourself to turn your back on a woman, a necessary skill in today’s day and age.

But really these are just band-aid solutions.

THE REAL SOLUTION: The real problem is that you are not yet complete by yourself. You are still looking for external things to complete you. In this case, you are looking for the companionship of a woman.

You need to learn to be content with yourself and all by yourself, like you are stranded on a deserted island all by yourself but you know you’ll still be okay. Sure, it’d be great to have around you lots of people who love you. But you see that as a luxury, not a necessity.

Think of Tom Hanks in the movie, Castaway. Could you deal with that situation if that were you? Would you be cool if all your friends and family deserted you, like literally, cut themselves off from you? Then you’d have no one else to turn to but yourself for strength. That’s what you gotta be like to get rid of this neediness feeling permanently. You’ve got to be okay with being on your own. You’ve got to be a real man.

5. Here’s a long-term fix, though it’s also good for a short-term boost: Read Ayn Rand. Start with The Fountainhead. It starts slowly, and it’s a long book. But by the fifth chapter or so, you should understand why it’s so helpful. Then tackle Atlas Shrugged (though you can skim the cheesy love scenes between Dagny Taggart and Hank Rearden). They are like the advanced versions of the Fight Club book.

For me, that neediness still comes occasionally. But that’s usually when I’ve watched too many cheesy movies, listened to too many sappy songs, pigged out on sugary foods and not worked out for a few days, and have only been hanging out with women.

Find your current purpose in life. Make women and all those other externals secondary. Also, for a macho manifesto of discipline, self-determination, and hustle, check out The 50th Law by 50 Cent and Robert Greene. These will help give you perspective on how to man up.

Play on, The Asian Rake

Leave a Comment:

Jeffrey D. says November 23, 2009

To eliminate neediness or other low self-esteem issues, I highly recommend the book “FEELING GOOD” by Dr. David Burns.

Jim says November 25, 2009

Awesome article, AR!

Rainmaker says November 25, 2009

Hey AR,

Awesome article. Although in Castaway isn’t he kind of sustained by that girl?

I’m pretty sure there are a lot of bros out there who are dealing with similar issues. It’s definitely a tough one.

Especially for all the Asian guys out there – striaghten out and man the fuck up! The next century belongs to Asia and we’re going to be leading the way.

See you at the top.

    Peace Cells But Who's Buying? says July 28, 2012

    Haha, more like the volleyball.

    Great article! Just broke up (it’s been 3 weeks), and I’m still trying to move on.

Best Weekend Reading From Around the Web says November 30, 2009

[…] The Asian Rake answers the question:  How to cure neediness? […]

Asian Rake David says December 6, 2009

Thanks for the kind words, guys! Glad you’ve gotten something from the little article 🙂

Raymond says February 17, 2014

You are a great guy. I wish i have you as a mentor.

Tom Arrow says November 25, 2014

That is some great reading. Had very similar thoughts about this; great to find someone like-minded in this scene. I am under the impression – after reading The Game – that most PUAs don’t really want to be a man. They want to take the shortest path possible to achieve the rewards of being a man in order to indulge in them. Can’t blame them, though, which brings me to the next point:

Awesome that you mention Ayn Rand. Changed my whole life. I’d say these books are the essence that gives you a valid reason to want to be the lonely man on an island. A reason to not indulge in feelings, hoping or actually believing for them to save you. It’s less the feeling of neediness that is danger. It’s more your willingness to indulge in it.

Though, I find that the effect wears off after some time. Currently I am waiting for a psychological book concerning Regression. Quintessence being that we sometimes “regress” into an emotional state of the child we were at some point in time. It makes sense and explains to me all those situations where I feel helpless as an adult: Abandoning the senses and reason. Drifting away from reality, refusing to see it. Indulge in my feelings.
What’s the important truth? As an adult, you are never helpless unless you choose to be. And that’s what I’d been doing unconsciously. I’d chosen to be helpless because it felt better. Was easier. Realizing that this is not the way man should or has to act is liberating.

Georg says May 5, 2015

Man, I am so needy. Thanks for sharing these secrets with me.

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