We’re going to wrap up our series on vocal tonality with this third tip. We’ve already looked at the importance of vocal volume and projection, as well as slow and smooth speech. This third component will help you sound more confident.

One of the most prevalent mistakes men make in tonality is to end their sentences on a higher pitch than where they started. This makes them sound diffident and unsure of themselves.

Statements should sound like statements, not questions. End statements on a descending pitch.

Look for opportunities to rephrase questions as statements. Train your mind to do this.

‘We’re having steamboat for dinner, and I’d love for you to join us!’ is much better than, ‘Would you like to join us for a steamboat dinner?’ The former makes you sound more confident.

For more advanced social artists, get in the habit of ending your questions on a descending pitch. This takes a little practice but is highly effective.

Where before you might have said, ‘Can I sit right there?’ with a rising pitch at the end, now say instead, ‘Can I sit right there.’ Saying it like a sentence with a descending and decisive pitch at the end makes you sound much more powerful.

Speak firmly. Show conviction. Believe in yourself.

Learn more about dating expert Dr Date at his website: www.powerofbeingasian.com.

I was dating a guy for five months, and I thought we were happy. But a couple of months ago, his ex-girlfriend came back to Singapore. I don’t think he was ever really over her. A few weeks ago, he left me and went back to her. What can I do to get him back?

Yours, Sad Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Your best chance of winning him back is to get yourself to the point where you are happy in your life without him. That is when he will come back, if he does at all.

Assuming you weren’t doing anything terribly wrong in the relationship, you should really make your best effort to forget about him and improve your life overall.

This is a tough pill to swallow. But the truth often is. Life is not always fair.

Your natural reaction might be to rush back to him in tears, beg him to take you back, hoping that he will see how hurt you are, take pity on you, and sweep you up in his arms.

You might feel like sleeping a lot, eating a lot, crying a lot, watching sappy romance movies, and listening to sad love songs.

Allow yourself to wallow in self-pity for three days. Then accept that it’s over and get on with your life.

What you should really do to get over a guy is to wear your best dress, doll yourself up with great make-up, and go to the very next party or singles’ event. Tell your friends you’re open to being set up for blind dates. Be social.

How did you get into this sad situation in the first place? You were seeing him exclusively before he was seriously considering marriage.

The general rule of thumb is that it’s best not to be exclusively seeing a guy unless he’s serious about marrying you. Otherwise, you will never know if he is just seeing you until a better girl comes along.

Until that ring is on your finger, you should still be meeting new men and open to going on dates with them. If you had been doing that, you would now have more options.

Nothing cushions the blow of a break-up better than the adoring attention of other men.

What you want to recover is that abundance mentality. He is not the last man on earth. Believe that there are many other great men out there for you to discover.

Many people tend to speak too fast in social situations, mainly because they are nervous and care too much about what other people think of them. This fast speech makes them seem not only nervous, but also lacking in confidence, and creates the impression that what they have to say is unimportant.

Slowly does it

A smooth and slow tonality is not only seductive; it also commands authority.

To develop this, it is best to use a recorder or computer microphone. Sit up straight, take a deep breath, and repeat the following:

‘From this moment onwards, I will speak slower and smoother and try not to cram too many words into one breath just because I have lots of ideas in my head and want to get them all out and am afraid that if I speak too slowly with lots of pauses, people may lose their attention when really, it is best to speak slowly and smoothly.’

Now listen to the recording of yourself. Very likely, enunciating a run-on sentence like this one caused you to mumble and speak very quickly for fear of losing your breath.

Repeat the run-on sentence, but this time, ensure that you pronounce every consonant clearly, take painfully long pauses every few words, make your pace exaggeratedly slow, and take deep breaths between phrases.

Begin to speed up your pace while maintaining clear enunciation and pausing between phrases.

Continue to practise this exercise. The tempo should be slow and the timbre smooth.

Even after you’ve practiced this tonality on your own, once you get back into social situations, your speech will probably speed up again. So be sure to monitor your tonality constantly until it becomes second nature, which could take a few months.

Just like with any new skill, it will take some getting used to. You may think that you are boring people, but you aren’t. Keep at it. The social pay-off is huge.

Learn more about dating expert Dr Date at his website: www.powerofbeingasian.com

My boyfriend and I are considering moving in together. We’ve been dating for over a year, and we’re both in our late twenties. My parents say not to do it. But I’d like to save money, and we already spend so much time together. What should I do?

Yours, Grateful Geraldine

Dear Geraldine,

Even though societies all over the world have become more liberal and accepting of non-traditional living arrangements, it is still in the best interest of the girl to exercise extra caution when considering whether to move in with her boyfriend.

The only good reason for her to move in with the boyfriend is if they’re planning the wedding and want to save some money. My general rule of thumb for whether a girl should move in with a guy is to move in only if you’ve already set a wedding date.

I can’t tell from your letter whether you’re engaged yet. I’ll assume you’re not.

Regardless of popular opinion, living together should not be a trial period to find out whether he loves you or not. If he doesn’t already love you, cooking him breakfast and playing house won’t change a thing.

In fact, at this stage, often the best way to get him to fall in love with you is to stop seeing him at all. If you’ve already been together for several months, and you still don’t know whether he loves you, you may have to leave him if he can’t commit.

If he really loves you, he’ll beg you to come back. If he doesn’t, then you’ve actually saved yourself time and further anguish. And now you are free to look for someone else.

Notice that the earlier rule of thumb regarding frequency of contact, which is that you shouldn’t see him more than once a week for the first month and no more than four times a week until you are engaged, prevents you from ever living together, whether on purpose or by accident.

Moreover, you should not even be leaving your personal things at his apartment. Don’t mark your territory by leaving your toothbrush or bathrobe there. If anything, he should be begging you to leave your things there and setting aside shelf space. This impetus should come from you. Men resent invasion of their private space.

You are independent. You are not a freeloader.

Is there ever an exception to the rule that you shouldn’t live together until you are engaged? Yes, but only when he desperately wants you to and begs you to move in. Even then, however, proceed with extreme caution.

Have problems finding love? Make a date with Dr Date. He’ll go over the finer points of courtship in his weekly column in The New Paper on Sunday.

E-mail your questions to tnp@sph.com.sg

He had to lean in and try repeatedly, and people became frustrated.

I saw some of them shake their heads and walk away, not because a stranger had approached them to ask an innocent question, but because they simply couldn’t hear what he was saying. His vocal tonality was like a social repellent.

In many ways, your voice conveys your identity. Its tonality can tell people about the kind of person you are, how you feel about yourself, and what you believe in.

In my previous columns, which you can find archived on my website, I have examined some of the body language and mindset. Now it’s time to turn to tonality

Recall the landmark study at UCLA that discovered 93 per cent of likeability is attributable not to what you say, but how you say it. Body language accounted for 55 per cent, verbal content for just 7 per cent, and vocal tonality 38 per cent.

Breathe

The foundation of all good tonality is proper breathing. One of the best aids to proper breathing is proper posture.

Keep your back straight back. Your shoulders should be broad, your head up and chin slightly above parallel, and your hips forward the way they would be if you were on tiptoes. And smile.

When your upper body is straight, you will be better able to breathe from your diaphragm - the sheet of muscle beneath your rib cage. Your stomach, not your upper chest, should rise and fall with each inhalation and exhalation.

Breathing from your diaphragm rather than your upper chest will more effectively fill your lungs with air, giving full power to your words.

This is the kind of breathing employed by, among others, professional wind players, opera singers, and stage actors.

One of the biggest problems with tonality is a voice that is too soft or quiet. Practice projecting your voice in a high arc extending a few feet beyond your listener.

Don’t strain your throat. The extra power should come from your diaphragm.

If you are projecting properly, your voice should sound louder in your head than you are used to.

Don’t worry about talking too loudly. Chances are good that your friends will start complimenting you on how clearly you’ve started speaking.

Learn more about dating expert Dr Date at his website: www.powerofbeingasian.com

Dear Donna,

Unless you relish the dominant role, which you clearly do not, you should encourage your boyfriend to step up and assume more leadership.

If he would rather submit to your leadership, then perhaps your personalities clash. And if it is that important to you, I recommend you find a more dominant guy.

Generally, it is much better for the women to be mysterious and let the man open up first. He should be the first to declare his love, just as he should suggest most of the movies, the restaurants, and the concerts you two go to. He should be open to your preferences, but also take the lead and have a mind of his own.

He will cherish you much more if you hold back and let him take the lead. Plus, with a leading man, you’ll be a happier gal!

He attacked the idea that a man could be taught how to be better with women. He admitted that there were men who were especially gifted at attracting women.

But he contended that guys who are good with girls tend to simply manipulate and take advantage of them.

My female friend, however, said something very interesting.

She replied that his claim was insulting to her and the women of Singapore.

She said he talked as if Singaporean women were easily deceived or tricked, and that he assumed that they were also stupid enough to be duped by some smooth talker.

I must concur with her.

After interacting with hundreds of charming Singaporean women, I must say that they are some of the most clever, cosmopolitan, and emotionally intelligent women in the world.

There is no way that some random playboy would be able to ‘manipulate’ or ‘take advantage of’ them unless they allowed him to.

Sure, some players lie just to get girls in bed.

But I know for a fact that the girls in this city are sophisticated enough to know the score and handle themselves. They know what they are getting themselves into, even though sometimes they don’t want to admit it.

They’ve seen how bad the world can be, either in TV, movies, or other pop media from the East and the West. They’ve frequented the rough and wild world of the nightlife scene since they turned 18, something they wouldn’t be able to do in America.

Don’t use kid gloves to deal with adults. Indeed, those who treat girls as grown-ups are that much more attractive to women.

Women have a mind of their own. On the whole, they are much more socially intelligent than men.

Give the girls more credit.

She couldn’t talk about anything else.

It was cute and endearing, but also very sad.

I predicted that her date would be a bit of a disaster. She would come off needy, empty and reeking of desperation.

And that would stifle her date’s interest and even scare him away.

Unfortunately, my prediction came true.

Do yourself a favour. Keep yourself as busy as possible leading up to a date.

You want to take your mind off your date as much as possible.

Don’t think about how he or she could be ‘The One’.

Don’t mention your date to your mother, grandmother or anyone who absolutely can’t wait to see you hitched. Don’t ruminate about your date with your friends.

If you can’t fill your time with work, then follow these suggestions.

Go to the gym. Read a good book. Spend an afternoon at the beach. Treat yourself to a manicure or massage. Soak in the jacuzzi or spa. Take a nap.

Go for a cocktail with your girls or a beer with your buddies. Throw yourself into your hobbies and passions.

Paradoxically, the secret to a successful first date is to have better things to do.

Learn more about dating expert

Dr Date at his website: www.powerofbeingasian.com

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a month, and we see each other almost every day. My girlfriends complain that I see him too often too early in the relationship. Do you think they could be right?

Yours, Wondering Winnie.

Dear Winnie,

Without more information about your relationship, it is hard to say. It really depends on your dating goals.

If you are looking for a fun fling, it’s perfectly all right to have your passionate affair in the short term.

But if you want to develop a committed, long-term relationship, I would side with your friends. You would be best served following my general rule of thumb.

Don’t date him more than once a week, at least for the first month.

Most men fall in love faster than most women. This is a little secret among dating experts. Most men also fall out of love faster than most women.

At the start, if you play your cards right, the man will want to meet you two or three times a week. Some may even want to see you every day.

If you give in and see them every time, eventually they will begin to feel restless and irritable, and they will begin to take you for granted and slowly stop cherishing you. This is just the nature of men.

To keep him from getting too much too soon, you must pace the relationship. Don’t expect the man to do it.

Let him think you have other plans, that he is not the only romantic option or interest in your life.

I know it’s hard for you to say ‘No’ when he asks you out again after a passionate kiss, and you are intoxicated by the smell of his scent on your neck. But you simply must summon your sweetest voice and say, ‘I’m sorry, I already have plans.’

Of course, do not give him any details about your plans, and do not include him in them.

The next step

This once-a-month structure is not forever. In the second month, you can see him twice a week, in the third month, three times a week, and in the fourth month, up to four times a week. But never see him more than four times a week until you’re engaged.

A man who is in love with you won’t be put off by your busy schedule in the beginning.

If you fall for his lines and see him every day, he might take you out a few times and be physically intimate with you, but then he may never call again, or worse, he may continue to see you, but his interest will fade. Watching someone fall out of love with you is really awful and painful.

If you see him no more than once a week, then you will force him to get to know you and really fall in love.

But the fourth-grader from Castle Rock, Colorado, has taken what started out as a US$3 ($4.50) handwritten pamphlet at his school fair and transformed it into a delightfully illustrated 46-page book entitled How To Talk To Girls.

He’s also charmed his way through American media - CNN, the New York Post and the Ellen DeGeneres show.

Of his book, he concedes: ‘I never expected people to buy it like a regular book in a bookstore.’ But his simple advice, refreshingly devoid of any agenda of political correctness, has struck a chord with boys and girls of all ages.

He recommends cutting down on sugary foods and controlling your hyperness, combing your hair and ditching sweat clothes, and going easy on the compliments to avoid looking desperate.

He advocates the best opener is a simple ‘Hi’.

‘If I say ‘hi’, and you say ‘hi’ back, we’re off to a good start,’ he explains.

His mother credits his precocity to his voracious reading habits that have him reading books even at the dinner table, much to her consternation.

His school officials say he wrote the book for kids but believe anyone can find inspiration in it.

Some think that men who are good with women are just born that way.

But here’s a secret. They were not born with an inherent understanding of social dynamics.

At some point early in their lives, they made a decision to learn about people, including pretty girls, and get good at interacting with them.

Social skills can and should be taught, learned, and practised. And it’s never too early or too late.

Learn more about dating expert

Dr Date at his website: www.powerofbeingasian.com

Last year, I went to a club to celebrate New Year’s Eve with my friends. But they were all couples, so when midnight came, they were all kissing, and I was all alone. It was one of the loneliest and longest moments I’ve ever had. I’m dreading New Year’s Eve now. What should I do? Sincerely, Single Sarah

Dear Sarah,

New Year’s Eve. How did the last day of the year become as couple-centric as Valentine’s Day? It’s even become a cliche to cap the festivities with a mandatory kiss as the grand finale. No wonder the unattached are so horrified by these hallmark holidays.

So what to do?

1.Be a holiday hermit.

After over a decade of wild New Year’s Eve parties, this option is starting to look really good to me right now. Who wants the hassle of jostling with the drunken crowds, being gouged by the exorbitant nightclub entrance fees and bottle charges, squeezing into the overcrowded public train, or fighting with the sweaty masses to get a coveted cab? Well, okay, some don’t mind. But still.

It’d be nice to have a more civilised, pampered, reflective experience once in a while. Why not slip into your most comfortable pair of pajamas, pop open a bottle (or two) of champagne, cuddle a plate of your favourite hors d’oeuvres, and party with revellers on three different continents on TV?

2.Take a bathroom break

Party with your friends as originally planned, but this time, at 11.57pm, go for a bathroom break and skip the whole countdown altogether. Maybe you’ll meet a fellow single in the bathroom queue trying the same strategy and can console each other. I’m half-joking, by the way.

3.Be social and find your own date

Even better, keep a lookout for a romantic prospect in the hours leading up to the countdown. Be social and have a good time. To ascertain whether your prospect is single, ask a simple question. If the prospect is with a group, ask them, ‘So how do you all know each other?’ and if the prospect is alone, ask, ‘So who did you come with?’ Trust me. If they are single, they will want your company as much as you want theirs. At least 15 minutes before midnight, make sure you’re having fun and chatting with your prospect. Then, when the countdown comes, it’s natural to kiss. Don’t worry what others think. It’s New Year’s Eve. It doesn’t count. And now you have a new friend!

Happy New Year!

Most people are not so fortunate. And some of them simply never meet new love interests.

Years go by without a date. They spend New Year’s Eve alone or with friends, pizza delivery, or a DVD.

If this is you, realise that you might never meet your ideal partner naturally and that you must take immediate action even if you don’t feel like it.

Here is a great habit to have in your life: Carry out one social activity a week.

Just do it

Do this no matter what, even if you don’t want to.

The following are some suggestions, but I am sure you can think of more.

Attend a singles’ party. I know of several in town, including the Little Black Book Party at Mimolette on Thursdays.

Volunteer at a charitable organisation. Take up a new hobby that involves group activities, such as singing in a choir, forming your own band, or acting in a community production.

If you have the means, book a trip to Club Med, hire a dating coach or join a club.

You don’t have to be any good at these activities to start. You just have to stick them in your schedule, show up, be sociable and smile.

Maybe you are worried that you have to go alone. That is no excuse to sit at home. Many people I know had to drag themselves to a social activity alone, and those were the nights they met their current partner.

Sometimes, it is better to go alone because you can manage your own time and go with the social flow. Besides, as an adult, you must learn to accept that you cannot always cling to someone for support.

At the start, these social activities may not always be pleasant or comfortable. But many of the most worthwhile things in life are outside one’s comfort zone.

Even if you do not meet your ideal mate, just going out - whether it is to a museum, a sports event, or a party - is good for you. You meet new people, broaden your horizons, and practise your social skills.

Tell your friends that you’re going to take up at least one social activity this week. And stick with it!

Learn more about dating expert Dr Date at his website: www.powerofbeingasian.com.

My husband says he loves me, but he is always so busy these days with work. He often snaps when I interrupt him while he’s working. Why does his work always seem more important? Does it mean he doesn’t really love me?

Yours, Lonely Laura

Dear Laura,

WHEN your man is hard at work, it does not necessarily mean he is shutting you out. Many of the most successful men in the world are like this. They are either in one mode or another.

For example, a man could be having serious problems with his wife, but still enjoy a fishing trip with his friends. On the fishing trip, a friend could ask, ‘How are things at home?’ He may say, ‘Man, it sucks. Wow, look at the size of that fish!’

For some people, especially women, their intimate relationship touches every aspect of their lives no matter what they are doing.

A man who temporarily ‘forgets’ his relationship may not be avoiding his feelings. He just has a different way of approaching things. He exists in a world of problems, functions, and challenges. When he is focused on something, everything else disappears.

It is not fair for you to be neglected. So don’t disown your feelings. If you really feel it is best for him to be interrupted, then go ahead and do it.

But remember that you will probably encounter some initial resentment because his mind is stuck on something else. It just means he needs some time to switch his attention to you.

Your assignment was to come up with at least five non-physical traits that you are looking for in a romantic partner.

Now that you’ve got those five traits, it’s time to start letting people know that you have standards. The key is subtlety.

Let’s say you’re looking for a girl who is artistic. You can ask, ‘So what kind of art do you do?’

Notice the positive presumption. You assume that she’s into art and now you’re asking what kind she does. If she doesn’t do any art, she will still be flattered by your veiled compliment. And you will have communicated that you have standards in a subtle way.

Another great question along these lines is, ‘So, where do you like to travel?’ Again, notice the positive presumption. Not, ‘Do you?’ but rather, ‘Where?’

Now here comes the most important part. If she puts any effort into answering your question or into showing that she meets your standards, reward her with a compliment.

For example, if she tells you about her hobby of painting watercolours, you can say, ‘Wow, you really are artistic. I like that about you. So how did you learn to paint?’

Women will appreciate that you consider them as multi-dimensional rather than as eye candy. The most effective way to do this is to truly have high standards.

Think again about what non-physical qualities you’re looking for in a woman, and then actively go about looking for these characteristics in the people you talk to.

You’ll be amazed at how quickly you attract both people you are interested in and people who are interested in you. You might even learn some new things about your old acquaintances.

Learn more about dating expert Dr Date at his website: www.powerofbeingasian.com

My boyfriend and I are having problems. But whenever we talk about it and I tell him how I feel, he just keeps asking me what I want from him. And when I ask him how he feels, he just goes silent. How can I get him to open up about his emotions?

Yours, Frustrated Fiona
Dear Fiona,

Take heart in knowing that your boyfriend’s case is not unusual. He is probably a guy’s guy, into sports and cars and typical boy hobbies.

Boy’s culture does not really encourage displays of emotion or reflection on feelings. Until that changes, if it ever does, girls and emotionally attuned males will have to account for this.

To get most guys to change, it usually does no good to ask him to get in touch with his emotions. Instead, tell him simply what you want him to change and why.

If, for example, whenever he comes home late from work and goes straight to the television and then to sleep, making you feel neglected, lonely, and depressed, then tell him exactly that. Then tell him you understand that he’s tired, but that you want more time with him.

It’s good to express how you feel. But most men don’t know what to do with your feelings. So remember to suggest specific actions for him to do.