But confidence is common.

What is truly effective is delusional self-confidence. That is, you are confident in yourself no matter what other people think of you.

You know what you want in life. You are content, happy even, about where you are in life and where you are going.

Some people might think your self-confidence is misplaced.

Let them think what they like. That’s why I call this kind of confidence ‘delusional.’

From the outside, it may look like you have no reason to be confident in yourself. But that doesn’t affect you. You know who you are.

Delusional self-confidence is an essential characteristic of almost every person who is naturally attractive to the opposite gender.

This is true for both men and women.

But here I’ll focus on how this applies to women.

You don’t have to be born with this feeling. You also don’t have to be rich, beautiful, or exceptionally smart to feel self-confident.

It can be cultivated and mastered.

Being self-confident is an attitude.

You can see it in the way you walk (gracefully, with your back straight and your chin up), pause between sentences (because people listen to you so you don’t have to feel like you need to cram all the words together nervously), the way you enter a room (elegantly, without the door slamming behind you), and the way you smile.

You haven’t a hint of desperation or neediness about you.

You are not anxious or nervous around men.

You don’t settle.

You don’t actively chase anyone.

You don’t go to pieces when a relationship doesn’t work out.

Rather, you have a mentality of abundance.

If not that man, then another even better man will come along. You are an optimist.

You are confident in yourself.

Of course, if you don’t feel this way now, you won’t suddenly feel this way today.

This is how you act until you really do feel this way. Give it time. The feeling will come.

Learn more about dating expert Dr Date at his website: www.powerofbeingasian.com

Dear Justin,

If a girl is attracted to you, it is quite easy to get her contact information.

She may even ask you for yours first.

If you are getting along well, the number exchange should be an afterthought.

If a girl is not attracted to you, then the number doesn’t matter. If she gives you a number at all, either she will give you a fake number, or she won’t pick up or return your calls.

So the right question is: ‘How do I get a girl attracted to me when we first meet?’ For that, get my Dating 101 audio course, which will put you on the right track.

But let’s say you’ve had a fun, 20-minute conversation. You think the girl is attracted to you, and you want to see her again. But you’re not sure how to ask for her number.

It’s best not to just blurt out, ‘Can I have your number?’

Why? Because that makes you sound like all the players she has met who just want her for a fun romp and aren’t interested in her as a person.

Instead, if you’re having a good time talking with her, just be honest. You can say something like, ‘Hey, you’re fun to talk to. Let’s hang out again some time.’

If she agrees, then say something like, ‘Great, do you have your phone with you?’ If she says yes, then say, ‘Cool. Let’s trade.’

You could also mention something you have in common, like your mutual interest in art galleries and how you both want to see the upcoming exhibition at the art museum.

Then you can say: ‘Hey, let’s go to that exhibition together!’ If she agrees, you can say, ‘I’ll text you to confirm. Do you have your phone with you?’ It’s natural. It’s fun. And it’s genuine.

Now we’re going to move into body language, which has been shown through extensive studies to account for over half of a person’s likeability.

If you are looking for a masculine man, then you will want to seem like a feminine woman.

Masculine men are purposeful, confident, driven, living life with integrity and humour, men who aren’t mama’s boys or looking for surrogate big sisters.

Masculine men are attracted to the feminine.

Even if you are an ambitious professional, a career woman, or the head of your own company, when you are with a man that you like, be feminine.

Don’t act like a man.

Don’t tell sarcastic jokes at others’ expense. Don’t be the loud girl or the hysterically funny girl. Don’t be cynical or negative or tell long-winded stories about how someone has hurt you.

Don’t make your love interest into your therapist. It’s fine to be this way when you’re with just your girlfriends. But when you’re with men you like, act feminine.

Be mysterious, quiet, and deeply happy. Act ladylike. Cross your legs. Let him open the door. Say thank you and please. Smile. Entice with your best assets, perhaps with a tight top cut a little lower than you’re used to, or sheer, black pantyhose exposed by your miniskirt.

Perhaps some girls will feel offended that what we’re proposing here suppresses their intellectual side or gregarious personality.

They may feel that they can’t be themselves.

Well, they can continue to ‘be themselves’ if they are already content with their love lives.

But if in the area of love and romance, you still haven’t found happiness, then resolve to change. To paraphrase motivational guru Tony Robbins, if you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.

So make a change, and follow my advice. Men will love you for it!

Showing off your intelligence and hilarious personality can come a little later, after a man has already become attracted to you and is not thinking of you as just a friend or acquaintance.

Get out there! Be present.

If you rarely meet men accidentally, then show up at all the events your friends have been inviting you to.

Sometimes you may feel like you have to drag yourself there, but do it. Go to the many singles events popping up all over town.

Remember that you don’t need to find large groups of eligible men. You only need to find one.

You may not find your dream guy immediately.

The time may just not be right yet. Be patient. He’s out there. The time will come.

Learn more about dating expert Dr Date at his website: www.powerof being asian.com

I try to follow your advice when I’m out in Clarke Quay with my friends.

Amazingly, the things you teach really work. Even my friends have noticed how much more social I am now. But some of my friends, who are all guys, tell me I shouldn’t be seen talking to lots of girls. What can I do?

Sincerely, Gerald

Dear Gerald,

Your guy friends are telling us more about their own insecurities and fears than about what the girls think. However, they may be right about one thing.

If you are doing what I’ve been recommending, then you are acting like the social man. You are talking to lots of people. Period. This includes guys and girls.

If you are ignoring all the guys and only making a beeline to every cute girl you see, then you are probably sending the wrong message.

You want to seem as if you like meeting new and interesting people, regardless of their gender.

Remember this, though. If you strike up a conversation with a girl, it is a compliment to her. You should not think that you are taking anything from her.

Instead, you are trying to give her something - the pleasure of good conversation with a friendly person and the chance to meet a really fun and interesting guy.

Otherwise, he may not even notice you or will treat you as a friend, not a romantic prospect. Men are more likely to respond to women based on their looks than women are to respond to men based on looks.

Girls, you may find this unfair.

But don’t blame the guys. Men are evolutionarily hard-wired this way.

Instead, use it to your advantage. After all, it is generally easier to change your physical appearance than it is to change your personality or character, which is what men often have to do.

To ladies who think that what counts is only on the inside and not on the outside, well, get real!

Look your best. The better you look, the better you feel, and the more radiant and desirable you will be to men.

Study after study in neuroscience and psychology have shown that emotions are contagious. If you feel good about yourself and exude self-confidence, other people will feel good about you.

Apply these three pointers to get a good start.

Diet and exercise

Eating a properly balanced diet makes you feel good. Often, foods that aren’t good for you enervate rather than energize. So make sure you get enough fruits and vegetables, protein and fibre. And drink lots of water.

Exercise releases endorphins, which help you feel happier and more energetic. So, join a gym, buy a yoga video and mat and use them, or go jogging in the park. Get a portable music player to keep yourself entertained while you work out.

Feel free to smile at the buff men you will no doubt encounter.

Diet and exercise require that you sacrifice short-term gratification to reach your long-term goals. Tape pictures of your ideal body type on your closet to remind you of your fitness and diet goals. Enlist your female friends to help you reach your goals together.

Upgrade your fashion

If you don’t know a lot about fashion, study the fashion magazines. Consult a fashionable friend, or get a consultation with an image consultant. Don’t, however, become a fashion slave.

Don’t buy items just because they are the ‘in’ thing. Make sure they flatter your body type and skin tone. Invest in classic, high-quality pieces and mix them with more affordable items.

I see long lines at the designer stores on Orchard Road every weekend. Don’t ever feel that you have to wear designer clothes to attract men.

Most men don’t care what label you are wearing. Indeed, too many high-end items can mark you as a bothersome, high-maintenance girl. And it’s better to get a no-name brand outfit that fits perfectly than a designer outfit that doesn’t.

Get expert advice on grooming

Splurge on a one-time consultation with a top hair stylist or make-up artist. And then copy the look at more affordable rates. Of course, if you can afford the best every time, go for it.

Most make-up makeovers are free with a minimal purchase.

Many people don’t realise their beauty potential until they get a professional makeover. It’s amazing how much of a difference good hair and grooming can make.

If you want to take your look to the next level, consider enrolling in a grooming and deportment course. A number of modelling agencies offer such courses, including Mannequin Studio.

They will teach you how to walk, sit, stand, look, apply make-up, do your nails, do your hair, and choose and wear fashionable clothes.

The great advantage for women in attracting Mr Right is that improving your physical appearance can be done in a day. Yes, diet and exercise require long-term discipline. But overall, this little bit of investment pays off in a huge way.

Learn more about dating expert Dr Date at his website: www.powerof being asian.com

I’ve used some openers you have suggested to start conversations with cute girls. But I usually stall after the opening line. How do I keep the conversation going?

Sincerely, Rob

Dear Rob,

It’s great that you are putting yourself out there and being more social.

Transitioning from the opener is something that I teach in my Dating 101 audio course, which you can find on my website.

Even though you could prepare another scripted piece after your opener, there will come a time when you run out of prepared material, and you have to wing it.

Ideally, you want to be in the moment all the time, from the opener all the way until the end. You don’t want to have to rely on the crutch of scripted material.

Eventually, you want to be your genuine self and have a girl who likes you as you, not for some lines you tell every girl.

When you run out of things to say, and feel stuck, just stick in there. Real growth comes when you really extend yourself. It’s like the last few repetitions at the gym. Feel the pressure. Train yourself to enjoy it. Handle it like a man.

What you say is far less important than how you say it and how comfortable you appear. Relax. Breathe. Enjoy the moment.

Have problems finding love? Make a date with Dr Date. He’ll go over the finer points of courtship in his weekly column in The New Paper on Sunday.

E-mail your questions to tnp@sph.com.sg

First, be happy. This doesn’t mean that you are always smiley and giddy like an innocent schoolchild. It doesn’t mean that you aren’t concerned about environmental degradation or how you’re possibly going to finish all that work your boss just assigned you. This doesn’t mean being without ambition or being complacent.

Rather, this is, on the one hand, a deep self-contentment. You are satisfied with where you are in life, how far you’ve come, and where you are headed. You’ve come to terms with your mistakes in the past and appreciate your past triumphs. You are content with the progress and trajectory you see in your relationships, career, and whatever other areas of your life you value.

On the other hand, you are living a life of passion. You enjoy how you spend most of your time, whether this is at work, at your hobbies or with family and friends. You feel intensely and you are in touch with your emotions, good and bad.

Love the life you lead

If you aren’t content with yourself and aren’t passionate about how you spend your time, this is the first thing you must set about changing. If you don’t even like yourself and your own life, how can you expect an attractive person of the opposite gender to like you and want to become part of your life?

Attractive people have confidence in themselves that has nothing to do with their looks or jobs. They simply feel good about themselves and this makes them intensely desirable.

Second, be busy. Part of being passionate is having things to be passionate about. If you don’t have any hobbies or special interests outside your job, then develop them now. Universally attractive people usually have a full schedule packed with activities and events they enjoy.

Busy people don’t rush to return social phone calls, often end social phone conversations first and have to turn down many social invitations (nicely, of course) because they don’t have the time to accept them all.

Busy people are often simply too busy to waste their time wondering whether someone of the opposite gender likes them. And that makes the opposite gender want them all the more.

Third, be present. No matter how busy you are, make time for social events. If you are buried in your work every day, then it’s no wonder why you have a miserable social life and never make any new friends.

Get out there. Schedule at least one social activity a week. Go to singles’ parties. Gather your friends for an outing. Volunteer at a charitable organisation. Take up a new hobby that involves group activities. Meet new people, broaden your horizons, and practise your social skills.

Be happy. Be busy. Be present.

Learn more about dating expert Dr Date at his website: www.powerofbeingasian.com.

Have problems finding love? Make a date with Dr Date. He’ll go over the finer points of courtship in his weekly column in TheNew Paper on Sunday.

E-mail your questions to tnp@sph.com.sg

Your advice has been great. I’ve wanted to approach girls I like when I see them in the streets but I am afraid that other people are watching. What can I do about this?

Sincerely,

Worried Wayne

Dear Wayne,

Thanks for your compliment and question. So you believe that people are watching you when you are out in the day. You think they notice when you go to the coffee shop and order your cappuccino with extra foam or when you buy an extra copy of the newspaper. Who are you? A celebrity followed by paparazzi?

Let’s be real here. Do you remember things that happen to strangers? How often do you notice conversations going on around you when you are out?

People are self-centred. The streets of downtown Singapore are packed with people rushing around preoccupied with their own problems. While this lack of concern might worry an ethicist, this fact will actually benefit you.

The chances that you will see these strangers ever again are miniscule. Compound that with the chances that these strangers will even bother to notice your approach.

Furthermore, if your approach is smooth and nonchalant, people will just assume that you know the girl from somewhere.

However, you will regret that you did not have the guts to approach that girl. And chances are good that you will never see her again, either.

Compare the two scenarios, and tell me which is the more reasonable course of action.

When you let your own worries about total strangers dictate your actions, you are giving them an immense power over your own life. Don’t give other people this power over you, especially strangers.

When you are special, you will stand out. Stop trying to be ‘normal’ and ‘fit in’. Dare to be different, and defy arbitrary social norms.

The right reply really depends on what a girl is looking for.

Are you looking for a fun fling for a night or two? If so, then dress sexy. Go to a bar by yourself. And then smile flirtatiously and persistently at your prey. Make it as easy as possible for your target.

He may not respect you in the morning, but he will be perfectly willing to have fun with you that night. As a woman, catching a man for a quick fling can be that simple.

You need pluck

Men, however, generally have it much harder in the initial stages. In most cases, getting the girl requires skill and a lot of pluck.

For women, the tougher tasks are catching a man for a long-term relationship, such as a marriage, as well as keeping a man interested and passionate over the long haul.

First, a girl should never pretend to be something she isn’t. If she truly believes that she is valuable and worthy of a man’s time and effort, then she should behave accordingly and not cave in to society’s arbitrary social norms.

If a girl has high self-esteem, then she won’t be ‘playing’ hard to get - she will naturally ‘be’ hard to get. The alternative is to be easy to get. And no self-respecting girl will be ‘easy’.

Moreover, if you’re a girl who’s looking for a masculine man, a man who is confident, who is willing and able to protect his loved ones, and who has purpose and drive, then you will want to challenge him.

Masculine men respond to challenges. They know that only by meeting and overcoming obstacles will they truly grow. They know that a strong woman will not let them get away with weakness and that a good couple will help one another to become more mature.

Most guys are not mature enough to handle such women. Worse yet, some guys are not even ready to admit that they need to grow up, to stop being mama’s boys and start being real men.

I understand where they’re coming from, as I was like that just a few years ago. Unfortunately, the women of Singapore do not have the luxury of waiting around for guys to grow up.

These guys will not relish the advice in this column. They may even resent me for making it harder for them to get girls and handle them.

Smart women looking to snag a strong man will use the principle of compliance, researched thoroughly in the field of social psychology, to their advantage. They will make their men invest time and effort to court them.

If you do this, you can rest assured that your boyfriend or husband will treat you like a queen, even when he’s angry. Why? Because he spent so much time and effort trying to catch and keep you. He won’t take you for granted because you have become so precious to him.

By the way, men, you too can harness the power of compliance. You can learn all about this on my audio course, Dating 101, available on my website.

For the women, keep an eye on this column for more advice on how to be hard to get, and how to catch and keep Mr Right.

This is especially pertinent when it comes to listening to the opinions of your date, girlfriend, lover, partner, or spouse.

But this also applies to the opinions of a man’s male friends.

I have seen moments of weakness in men, and I have been as guilty as the rest of us. A man is unduly influenced in his opinion of his love interest, girlfriend or spouse just because some of his friends think she isn’t as attractive as he thinks.

Since he cares too much about the opinions of others, he begins to doubt himself.

Perhaps the friends have good reasons for wanting him to be less attracted to her. Maybe they want him to see that she is deceiving him in some way.

Or maybe they are just envious and want to ruin their friend’s ‘undeserved’ happiness.

Regardless, a strong man will take their opinions and reasons into account but will ultimately make up his own mind. A strong man is not easily swayed by the opinions of others.

This is especially important when it comes to a man’s dealings with his girl.

A man should always listen to his woman. But in the end, he should make his own decision.

If you choose to follow your woman’s suggestion, even when deep down you know a different decision would be better, then you are basically communicating to yourself, her, and the world, ‘I do not trust my own judgment’.

You are weakening yourself by telling yourself this. You are undermining your woman’s trust in you. This is a huge turn-off. Why would she trust you if you don’t even trust yourself?

Take responsibility

If, however, you listen to your woman and then make your own decision based on your own authentic, genuine intent, then you are saying, ‘My best judgment is leading me to this decision. I am willing to be wrong. If I am wrong, I will learn and grow from it. I am open to listening to others, but I take responsibility for my own decisions. There is nobody else to blame.’

This applies to such trivial choices as which restaurant to go to, as well as major decisions like relocating to another country.

Your attitude of self-trust engenders others’ trust in you. Be a leader. Make your own decisions. And be ready to take responsibility.

Learn more about dating expert Dr Date at his website: www.powerofbeingasian.com.

I have been married to my husband for over five years, and we are still young and without children. He works during the day, and I look after the home. I feel like it’s getting harder to keep his attention and interest. We’ve been going on dates once every two weeks to keep things fresh, but he often still ignores me, snaps at me rudely, and basically treats me badly. What should I do?

Sincerely, Anjuli

Dear Anjuli,

It’s possible that his neglect and bad treatment of you stems from something in his past or upbringing, or maybe it’s a result of something deeper. If this continues to be a persistent problem, perhaps you should consider seeing a marriage therapist.

For now, try out these three recommendations.

1.Dress up, and dress sexier. No man likes coming home to a woman wearing dowdy sweatpants or pyjamas all the time. Try to be more fashionable - tight jeans, miniskirts, or a low-cut top to show off a bit of your cleavage.

Get lean. Join a gym, and start working off those extra kilos. Put on make-up and perfume, even just for dinner at home. Do your hair. Pretend you are dating him.

2.Act more independent. Always be going somewhere. Don’t sit on the couch waiting for him to return. Don’t bore him with details about your day. Make lots of plans with your friends and family. Go shopping at VivoCity. Catch an afternoon movie at the Cineleisure. Just get out there. Men love independent women because they leave them alone. Men love chasing busy women.

3.Get a hobby. Don’t nag him to give up his sports, buddies, or work just because you feel neglected. You will get even more attention from him if you become even busier than he is. Go for a jog or take up an aerobics class at the gym. Get involved in a charity, read books, take up a sport.

Stay independent and busy. Don’t hang around nagging him. Get out there, and he’ll start chasing you.

In the midst of this scene, a cute girl pointed out ‘The Row’.

While the rare man or two or three was richly rewarded by his newly made female friends for his social bravery, there was still the infamous ‘Row’ of single men lined up along the bar and along the couches against the wall, silent, unsmiling, and scanning the room for ‘targets’, which they would be too nervous to approach in the end.

This was a scene from one of the ubiquitous singles’ events springing up all over the city leading up to Valentine’s Day yesterday.

What to do if you ever find yourself an unwilling member of the infamous Row? Read my answer to today’s reader’s question below for more on this.

Last Thursday night, I dropped in on one of these singles’ events, The Little Black Book Party, which was attended by good-looking men and women seeking increased efficiency in finding new friends and potential partners.

For an entry fee less than the price of a regular cocktail, participants were given two drink tickets and enjoyed complimentary hors d’oeuvres, snacks, and canapes.

The Little Black Book holds its singles’ events at different venues each time. This one was hosted by Le Noir at Clarke Quay. Past venues include The White Rabbit at Dempsey and Mimolette on Fairways Drive.

If you want to find out more about them, join their Facebook group, The Little Black Book.

This was not an overly contrived gathering. No awkward games, coerced interactions, or people on microphones interrupting your conversation with ‘announcements’ just when you were starting to make a real connection with your new friend. The natural flow of social dynamics prevailed.

Good singles’ events provide the conditions for effective socialising-friendly, stylish Singaporeans who are self-proclaimed singles and (gasp!) open to being approached by complete strangers.

Mix in discounted drinks and good music. And the stage is set for a fun night making new friends!

Learn more about dating expert Dr Date at his website: www.powerofbeingasian.com.

Dear DrDate,

I went to a singles’ event last week, but even though there were many single women, I didn’t know how to approach them. How would I get a girl’s number there?

Yours, Boring Bernard

Dear Bernard,

Thank you, Bernard, for your letter, in which you asked a lot more questions. I’ll answer those privately. But let’s deal with this one first.

In my column above, I mentioned The Row: That line of men standing against the wall of the club, staring ominously ahead or scanning the room nervously, not talking much to their friends and just being silent, unsmiling, trying to look cool and tough, and only interested in talking to a hot girl. These guys will most likely be going home alone.

You don’t want to be caught in The Row.

If you find yourself in The Row, ‘trying to be cool’, and actually, too afraid to talk to that cute girl in front of you, then immediately walk away. Take a breather for a few minutes. Step outside for a few minutes to get some air.

Then, when you re-enter the venue, be the social guy.

Talk to the first friendly person you see, whether it’s the bouncer, a random guy, or an old woman.

Your opener can be as simple and effective as, ‘Hey, having a good time tonight?’ If you get a friendly response, follow this up by introducing yourself: ‘My name is . What’s yours?’

Work the room. Talk to every friendly person you see, guy or girl. You don’t have to talk to the person for long. Even just a minute will do to make a good impression.

Eventually, you will make your way to that cute girl you didn’t have the courage to approach earlier. But now you built up for yourself some social momentum. Talk to her just like you’ve been talking to everybody else up to then.

Remember, it’s perfectly normal and even a highly valuable skill to start conversations with total strangers.

After you make emotional and social connections, see if the girl meets your standards. After this, it should seem natural for both of you to want to continue your conversation at another time. It could be as simple as ‘let’s trade contact info, do you have your phone with you?’ And then exchange numbers or e-mail addresses or name cards.

I go into all of this in much more detail in my Dating 101 audio course, which you can find on my website.

Attraction is not a choice.

You can create the conditions that are conducive to generating the feeling of attraction, but you cannot command the emotion to just appear out of nowhere.

You can persuade someone to date you, to kiss you, even to engage in intimate physical relations with you.

But you cannot coerce love.

A better paraphrasing of the question is: ‘How can I attract a girl who likes me as a friend and has known me for a long time?’

There are two factors that set this situation apart from standard dating scenarios: (1) The Friend Zone and (2) Time.

Regarding the first factor, when a girl first meets a guy, within the first few minutes, she automatically puts him into one of five categories.

At the bottom is the Creepy Guy. She wants to get as far away from this guy as possible. He’s creepy.

Next is the Normal Guy. She feels neutral about him.

After that is The Friend. She is not romantically attracted to this guy, but she enjoys hanging out with him.

The second from the top is the Guy with Long-term Potential. She is romantically attracted to this guy. She would seriously consider settling down with him. If she is smart about it, she’ll withhold physical intimacy from him as long as possible.

At the top is The Lover. She wants this guy… now. Because attraction is not a choice, she cannot help feeling these intense emotions for him. But she can choose how to act on her feelings.

Moving down this scale, that is, going from The Lover to the Creepy Guy is relatively easy and rapid.

Moving up the scale is very difficult and slow. For example, once a girl puts a guy into The Friend Zone, it’s hard for him to move up to The Lover category.

The lesson to take away from this is that if you want to stay out of The Friend Zone, aim to come across as Long-term Potential or as The Lover as early as possible - even within the first few minutes.

You can do this through your words, body language, eye contact and tonality.

If you want to know how this is done check out my website.

Regarding the second factor of Time working against you, read my answer to the reader below.