The Power of Attention in Controlling Attraction: Californication as Case Study
March 3, 2011
One of my favorite TV shows, Californication, is also beloved by many aspiring social artists. But many dating coaches fail to see the social arts (of the script writers and Duchovny playing the character) in the movie. The guy who put together this video clip does a great job of pointing a lot of what’s going on. Great job, NelTY PUA!
The Aura Dating Academy guys should appreciate this, as we just completed a fun 2-hour class that covered how to control attention–yours and hers–so as to control the conversational flow and power in the interaction. Withdrawing attention and making people earn it is an effective push-pull technique. Hank Moody does it masterfully here. He’s also exemplary with the cocky-funny.
How to be Politely Assertive: Trudeau and Cruise
February 19, 2011
A common question I get from Singaporean clients is how they can be assertive without being assholes. It’s as if they never had any role-models to show them how to be assertive in a civil manner.
They’ve only seen the two extremes of (1) being a passive, pushover who gets taken advantage of and shoved around, or (2) of being an arrogant asshole (usually getting his courage from being inebriated) pushing people around and a public nuisance.
They ask me what they should do when another guy cuts ahead of them in the queue. The only two options they can think of are (1) muttering under their breath, letting the resentment build up (often taking it out on others later or when they’ve got enough liquid courage) but getting taking advantage of, or (2) starting a shouting match and fist fight.
I’ve seen this as the norm in Confucianized countries like Taiwan, Korea, and sometimes in mainland China. This is a major reason why there are so many fights in nightclubs by drunken Asian dudes. They don’t have any “game” or even social intelligence and just keep all that resentment from being pushed around silently building up inside them until it explodes in out-of-control violence.
Well, there’s another way: Polite Assertiveness. Heck, why not first try to undercut your assertiveness with smiles and gentle reasoning to defuse the situation even further.
A key affirmation of every powerful man is: I do not tolerate disrespect of myself, time, or property. For most men, I would also add family and loved ones to that list.
So it’s important that you know how to assert yourself properly when you encounter disrespect.
The following are two exemplars to give you an idea of how this is done.
1. The first is Pierre Trudeau, Prime Minister of Canada from 1968-79, 1980-84. In this clip, he’s handling very rude questions from a very hostile reporter about his decision to invoke the War Measures Act, which gave the government sweeping powers of arrest and detention without trial, in the face of the kidnappings of two public officials by domestic terrorists (known as the October Crisis).
Notice how Trudeau starts with good-natured responses and plenty of smiling, like a granddad explaining to his grandson how the big bad world works. He never loses his cool, even all the way to the end with his famous, “Just watch me.”
Btw, Trudeau was very good with the ladies and makes for an awesome all-around high-value role-model.
2. The next example is a Neil Strauss favorite, Tom Cruise, “the alpha male of alpha males.” Here he firmly but patiently deals with a rude journalist who squirts water in his face. Notice his initial reaction is to laugh it off and just chat with the guy. He also turns away the attempts of the staff to protect him and even wipes his own face. Notice, too, how he gently holds down the reporter’s hand. Cruise is reportedly a very physical expressive guy. He is calm enough at the end to smile and direct his comments at the people nearby.
Both men show plenty of self-control under the circumstances.
Play on,
David
How Can Delayed Gratification & Willpower Help in Dating?
November 18, 2010
I’m planning to start a series of video blogs giving quick tips on dating, and considering how most of the attraction material available is for audiences in the West, I’m going to draw from my experiences in Singapore and Asia as examples.
This is my very first attempt, literally. I sat down in front of the flip cam several months ago, when I first had this idea, pressed “record” and just started talking. I figured if that approach worked for Gary Vaynerchuck, it might work for me… the jury’s still out. What do you think?
I’m hoping the production value will increase over time 
In this video, I explain the integral role of Willpower in getting better at anything hard, including getting better with women and social skills in general. I introduce the concept of Delayed Gratification as a good way of thinking about this. The famous Stanford study I cite is this one. My thoughts on this came from trying to figure out why some students got really good really fast, while others, receiving the exact same instruction and starting from basically the same level, took a longer time. There’s a lot more to say, but I thought I should keep it short for now as I figure out this whole video blogging medium.
Enjoy!
And if you haven’t already, do check out the details on the upcoming Essentials of Dating program.
Cheers, David
Think You’re Too Shy to Meet Women? Then You Need SHY GUY GAME and CHILL VIBE
November 11, 2010
Think You’re Too Shy to Meet New Women? Then You Need SHY GUY GAME
If you want to meet and date amazing women in Singapore, you do NOT have to be loud, brash, or the stereotypical “party guy.”
Many men in Singapore have strange notions of how a “cool guy” or a “guy who gets women” behaves and looks.
They think he’s smiling and leaning into the girl, like the classic (awful) pose with her leaning her back against the wall and him with his arm fully extended, pushing against the wall while leaning in facing her.
Or worse (and a rookie-mistake), he thinks the “cool guy” is loud, laughing, and moving his arms and hands around in big and rapid gestures.
Or worse still, that he’s dancing all out and putting on a show, or dancing with all the girls. Like some horrible Asian parody of Vince Vaughan in the Wedding Crashers.
There is a time and place for Loud Guy Game or “flash game” or “frat boy game.” And it is a useful skill to call on when necessary.
But more often than not, the loud, laughing, gesticulating guy is a dancing monkey, a try-hard, a tool. As sad as it is, most wannabe-PUAs in Singapore try to act like this.
To meet, attract, and date beautiful women, you do NOT need to “own the room,” or have everyone listening to you or talking to you, or have ten women around you in the club.
That’s intermediate level. It’s “flash game.” It might be impressive to look at, but it doesn’t say anything about whether you’re actually closing the deal. Read more
What You Can Learn from Sylvester Stallone
November 4, 2010
After seeing Sylvester Stallone kick ass in the Expendables, and watching the many promo videos for that movie, I’ve a new found respect for the guy. He’s pretty damn smart and articulate and is quite well respected in acting circles, especially for a guy who does action movies. I kind of empathize with him in one respect because growing up, I had a pretty low, nasal-y voice that kinda made me sound like Sly. I had to work hard on vocal projection to be heard clearly in nightclubs or even in noisy shopping malls.
In the Expendables, Stallone’s character leads a truly impressive cast of action stars, including some of my old favorites. It was pretty cool seeing them all in one movie. Even more, it turns out Stallone was not only the leader in the movie, as a producer, he was the leader of the cast and crew in real life. True alpha male in every respect.
When the 6th Rocky movie came out a few years ago, I didn’t bother to see it because I couldn’t imagine watching a 60+ year old guy pretend to fight. But after reading some rave reviews about the movie, I finally got around to watching it, and I’m glad I did.
This is a pretty damn good scene. Even though he’s so old, Rocky has agreed to fight the reigning heavyweight champion. But his whiny son doesn’t like how the public is making fun of Rocky because that makes him look bad. So he comes to complain to his dad and tell him off. Earlier in the movie, Rocky saw his son get verbally abused by his boss. So this is Rocky’s “wake up call” message to his son. “Go out and get what you’re worth, but ya gotta be willing to take the hits.”
Btw, make sure you check out the upcoming Social Arts Mastery program. The bidding period is closing soon, so get in while you can!
Physical Contact Promotes Trust: Fact or Fiction?
October 20, 2010
Fact! Well, at least 15-minute massages do (especially in women, or so the studies say).
This is according to a blog report by Dan Ariely, one of the world’s leading behavioral economists and currently James B. Duke Professor of Psychology and Behavioral Economics at Duke University, quadruply appointed to the Fuqua School of Business, the Center for Cognitive Neuroscience, the Department of Economics, and the School of Medicine. He was formerly Alfred P. Sloan Professor of Behavioral Economics at MIT’s Sloan School of Management. Damn, that was a mouthful! He’s also got an interesting TED.com talk.
So for us Asian guys averse to touch because our mommies and daddies never hugged us, well, our uptight Asian upbringings put us at a social disadvantage in human interactions. So train yourself to touch early and often, … but remember to keep it light at first! Just gentle and brief taps on the outside of the elbow, firm handshakes, and maximize incidental contact. And don’t hesitate to try a massage, either you giving or receiving 
Check out Ariely’s post here.
Btw, the bids are going pretty high on the upcoming Social Arts Mastery program, so just make sure you write a good application. Find out more here.
Play on, Asian Rake David.
Top 5 Tips for Singaporean Men Who Want to Attract Beautiful Women
August 22, 2010
The premier news channel in Singapore, Channel News Asia, asked me to put together a list of the top five tips for Singaporean men who want to attract beautiful Singaporean women. You can find my article here!
Unfortunately, it seems the formatting was all lost in the conversion, so all the bold text is gone, but I’m sure you can figure it out. Check it out here for yourself!
Would love to hear your thoughts. You can contact me at: david@asianrake.com
Cheers!
How much Social Comfort is there in Singapore?
August 12, 2010
Living in Singapore for over two years, what has struck me as probably the most salient trait of Singaporean people in general, and young men in particular, is the lack of social comfort and the prevalence of social anxiety. And this is directly related to their general inability to approach or date women outside their insular social circles.
See this recent article by world renowned humanist scholar, Martha C. Nussbaum, professor of law and philosophy at the University of Chicago: The Ugly Models
An excerpt: “It is time to take off the rose-colored glasses. Singapore and China are terrible models of education for any nation that aspires to remain a pluralistic democracy. They have not succeeded on their own business-oriented terms, and they have energetically suppressed imagination and analysis when it comes to the future of the nation and the tough choices that lie before it.“
Also see this eye-opening article on “academic freedom” and creativity in Singapore.
Interesting excerpts:
“Self-censorship has made people afraid,” Singh says, referring to the tendency in Singapore to watch what one says for fear of causing offence or breaking the law.
“It is important for them to be bold, brave and robust.”
So Singh makes his students do what they fear most: take chances. For class projects, men have gone shopping dressed as women. Students have stopped strangers to ask for spare change or to ask them to exchange clothes. Such antics would hardly be worthy of a fraternity initiation, but in this conservative society they have made headlines. Indeed, in the early days of the class, the projects required a police permit.
…
Linda M. Perry, an American who has been teaching communications at the National University of Singapore for two years, says high-profile cases have persuaded people to censor themselves. Everyone is so terrified of crossing the line that most don’t even get close to it.
Perry is quick to acknowledge that no restrictions have been placed on her. There is no official list of topics she is not allowed to raise. Yet she knows exactly when she has crossed an OB marker. Something as innocuous as a discussion about the recent arrest of two bloggers, who were jailed for making racial slurs, caused a roomful of 200 people to freeze up, Perry says. Students later half-joked with her that she would find her things packed when she returned to her apartment.
“I can feel the fear in the room,” says Perry, who says she plans not to return to Singapore when her contract runs out next year. “You can cut it with a knife.”
Most Singaporeans don’t seem all that unhappy with the restrictions. For the past four decades, the ruling People’s Action Party has delivered stunning economic growth. What was once a malaria-ridden colonial outpost on the equator now has one of the highest standards of living in the world. While its neighbours are dragged down by poverty and ethnic strife, Singapore is an oasis of racial and religious stability. As long as the Government continues to deliver steady gains, observers say most people will accept the restrictions on what they can say and what they can publish.
Yet Shanmugaratnam is concerned that Singapore’s successes have produced a generation of young people who are apathetic.
Food for thought.
The good news is that, as SMU prof Kirpal Singh has discovered, social anxiety can be conquered and social comfort can be cultivated. Check back here later as I explain how to do it.
Cheers, Asian Rake David
Success: How Much Do You Want It?
July 25, 2010
“Most of you won’t be successful because when you get tired or when it gets hard, you quit… Don’t cry to give up. Cry to keep going.” –Eric Thomas
As true in athletics, arts, academics, and business as it is in the social arts.
Thanks to Angel Caido and Mr. M for sending along this video.
The Social Arts according to “The Karate Kid”: 3 Major Lessons
July 5, 2010
When I saw the remake of the cult classic, The Karate Kid, a couple weeks ago, I was reminded of why the original movie was so often mentioned in self-improvement circles and why that rake Nick Sparks was unashamed to pronounce that he is this movie’s number one fan, lol.
Both the original and the 2010 remake, starring Jackie Chan and Jaden Smith (son of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith), hold a lot of lessons for guys who are learning the social arts. Why not use pop culture–stuff guys are already watching–to teach higher level principles, which are usually expressed in a recondite and overly abstract manner, and to present them in a more accessible format? Haha, this is a fun article I’ve been meaning to do for a while actually, even before the remake came out.
If you haven’t seen the 2010 remake yet, I highly recommend it. The portrayal of Beijing and the mountain monasteries in China is not as romanticized as most Hollywood depictions, though the most modernized and glitziest parts of Beijing never figured in any of the scenes.
The 2010 remake trailer:
Yes. Indulge me for a minute
3 Lessons
1. Check Your Preconceptions at the Door, and Start from Scratch
Early in the movie, we see Jaden Smith’s character (I forgot the character’s name, so I’m just going to refer to him as Jaden) trying to learn martial arts from DVDs. Jackie Chan’s character (again, forgot the character’s name, so will refer to him as Chan) sees this while fixing something in Jaden’s apartment and realizes that there is very little chance Jaden will be able to learn martial arts from DVDs.
Well, ya gotta start somewhere. And as most guys out there, I too had my introduction from paperbacks, ebooks, audio programs, and DVDs. But I was fortunate enough to have real life mentors early on–guys like Christian Hudson and Sebastian Drake–guide me in person. Otherwise, I would have been stuck like Jaden or Daniel-san, trying to learn from a TV screen.
Later, when Jaden went to his first kung-fu lesson by Chan, the first thing Jaden did was to explain to Chan that he already knew some fighting moves and was naturally athletic, so he “wasn’t as bad as the average guy,” and that “it would be easier to teach him than to teach the average kid off the street.” Jaden proceeded to (try to) demonstrate some of what he could do and ended up making a mess, breaking Chan’s vase.
Instead of acknowledging any current abilities that Jaden might have already had, Chan ignored Jaden’s ego-protecting attempts at self-qualification and set for him the mundane task of having Jaden throw down and then hang up his jacket over and over and over for nights in a row. At the time, Jaden thought that Chan was trying to punish him for his bad attitude (related to an earlier scene involving Smith’s mother) and did not think Chan was teaching him anything about kung-fu.
As I recall, in the original movie, Mr. Miyagi had to ignore Daniel-san’s tendency to think he already knew what he was doing and to force Daniel to learn from the ground up, from scratch. He had to do this even when Daniel progressed to the level of punching with gloves and protective gear.
When it comes to working with an experienced personal coach on an individual basis, don’t worry about making sure the coach knows what you can already do. If he’s an experienced, competent coach, he will be able to figure out for himself pretty quickly how good you are. Master coaches and even some naturals can tell within a few minutes how good a guy is with women. And if he needs any further information, he will know the right questions to ask. You don’t have to offer any explanations. In fact, the guys who waste time continually telling the trainers how good they already are (or were) and relating lengthy stories that were unsolicited are usually guys whose attitudes make them unteachable.
Often, students have to spend an initial period UNLEARNING all the mish mash of jumbled misconceptions and misinterpretations before they can actually understand and apply the correct stuff.
So instead, approach the learning with an open mind, and leave your preconceived notions at the door. Try to do exactly as your trainer instructs you FIRST before you start trying to think of reasons why it won’t work or devising “what if” scenarios. Otherwise, you will just be wasting your and their time. Try out their suggestions first, and give them a fair try. Only then come back for reflection and refinement.
As Miyagi said, to Daniel: “We make sacred pact. I promise teach karate to you. You promise learn. I say. You do. No questions.”
2. Be Patient with Progress; the “Why” Will Become Clear over Time
Master teachers know that if the student’s mindset is just as, if not more, important than the technique. That’s why Chan didn’t tell Jaden why he had him throw down and hang up his jacket over and over, and why Mr. Miyagi did not first tell Daniel-san why he had him wax his car, paint his fence, and sand his floor.
When kids want to learn martial arts, it’s often because they want to know how to fight. But that’s not really what’s best for them in the long run. The bad teachers in The Karate Kid movies just give the kids what they want (partly because that’s what the instructors are after, too): violence and aggression. But the real masters know that true mastery of any skillful activity in life necessitates and generates a higher outlook and greater purpose.
In the social arts, a lot of guys start out just wanting to bed a lot of girls with perhaps a very distant long-term goal of settling down with one or many long-term relationships or a spouse. Their immediate focus is on getting more and more sex–same night lays, faster and faster seductions, models and bottles, orgies galore–and that’s what a lot of the PUA marketing sells them. But the true masters know that these short-term gratifications will never result in any kind of lasting happiness or even contentment.
But they also know that most students aren’t ready to understand this.
So instead of trying to persuade them, a good coach might mislead or keep the student guessing as to the exact reason or greater purpose behind the lesson, at least until the student is ready to understand.
Most guys don’t really understand just how important are Body Language, Tonality, Eye Contact, and Mental States. They are far more important than verbal material or lines. Students often don’t really understand why they have to spend over 80% of their time working on and monitoring their posture; the way they stand, sit, move, walk, chew, talk; how they look into other people’s eyes; and why they have to do Visualizations and Affirmations daily; and most importantly, that they should focus mainly only on 3 things when they’re socializing: Having Fun; Making Other People Have Fun; and Making Connections.
Instead, they keep thinking their problem is that they don’t know what to say. It’s like those guys who think their problem is they don’t know how to punch and keep wanting to learn how to punch.
Daniel: When do I learn how to punch?
Miyagi: Better learn balance. Balance is key. Balance good, karate good. Everything good. Balance bad, better pack up, go home. Understand?
…
Daniel: [practicing blocks in Mr. Miyagi's boat] When am I gonna learn how to punch?
Miyagi: Learn how punch, after you learn how keep dry! [rocks boat, throwing Daniel into the water]
…
For instance, sometimes, what a guy most needs is to conquer his approach anxiety. But because of his crippling fear, he can’t tackle the problem head on by doing a ton of cold approaches. So instead, the coach tricks him into thinking he’s doing something else other than approaching–doing social freedom exercises like small talk with harmless strangers or doing crazy stunts on the street–and then eases the student into raising the bar to small talk with cute girls, bypassing the anxiety triggers.
This is the “boiling the frog” method.
3. The Social Arts are in Everything; Start with What You Naturally Do
Probably the most obvious parallel between The Karate Kid and debates in the social arts is in the natural vs. canned issue.
I doubt I need to explain this. It should be obvious.
The bad karate teacher is all about ruthless technique and using artificial means to toughen his kids up and brainwash them into being bad monsters.
Miyagi and Chan, however, teach their students using everyday actions–the sort of things they would naturally have to do as part of their daily activities–chores around the house and even just something as mundane as hanging up a jacket.
The deeper principle is in Jackie Chan’s line: “Everything is Kung Fu.” Or, “Kung Fu is in everything you do.”
Similarly, the social arts aren’t just for attracting women, though many guys only think of it in that narrowest of scopes–”pick up.” The social arts are involved any time you are interacting with another person. Practicing the social arts requires and develops social intelligence and emotional intelligence, which many researchers and experts consider to be far more accurate an indicator of life success than one’s IQ.
Almost all the skills involved in flirting with women are implicated and crossover in the skills required for socializing PERIOD. They are just adapted to a specific context. So actually, if you get good at and continue to improve at socializing in general–which is actually easier for most guys–and in many different and diverse contexts, you will concurrently progress in attracting women. As most PUAs often forget, women are people, too, LOL. Get good with people, and you will naturally get good with women.
Moreover, you will be doing so in a much more sustainable, healthy (read: non-creepy), and effective manner.
This bit of dialogue in the original movie sums it up nicely. Substitute “picking up girls” for “fighting” and “the social arts” for “karate,” and you get the idea:
Let “fighting”=”picking up girls”
Let “karate”=”The Social Arts”
Daniel: Hey - you ever get into fights when you were a kid?
Miyagi: Huh - plenty.
Daniel: Yeah, but it wasn’t like the problem I have, right?
Miyagi: Why? Fighting fighting. Same same.
Daniel: Yeah, but you knew karate.
Miyagi: Someone always know more.
Daniel: You mean there were times when you were scared to fight?
Miyagi: Always scare. Miyagi hate fighting.
Daniel: Yeah, but you like karate.
Miyagi: So?
Daniel: So, karate’s fighting. You train to fight.
Miyagi: That what you think?
Daniel: [pondering] No.
Miyagi: Then why train?
Daniel: [thinks] So I won’t have to fight.
Miyagi: [laughs] Miyagi have hope for you.
Thanks for reading along on my whimsical reflections! David have hope for you LOL Feedback appreciated.
Cheers, Asian Rake David.
The original trailer:
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