The Social Arts according to “The Karate Kid”: 3 Major Lessons
July 5, 2010
When I saw the remake of the cult classic, The Karate Kid, a couple weeks ago, I was reminded of why the original movie was so often mentioned in self-improvement circles and why that rake Nick Sparks was unashamed to pronounce that he is this movie’s number one fan, lol.
Both the original and the 2010 remake, starring Jackie Chan and Jaden Smith (son of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith), hold a lot of lessons for guys who are learning the social arts. Why not use pop culture–stuff guys are already watching–to teach higher level principles, which are usually expressed in a recondite and overly abstract manner, and to present them in a more accessible format? Haha, this is a fun article I’ve been meaning to do for a while actually, even before the remake came out.
If you haven’t seen the 2010 remake yet, I highly recommend it. The portrayal of Beijing and the mountain monasteries in China is not as romanticized as most Hollywood depictions, though the most modernized and glitziest parts of Beijing never figured in any of the scenes.
The 2010 remake trailer:
Yes. Indulge me for a minute 
3 Lessons
1. Check Your Preconceptions at the Door, and Start from Scratch
Early in the movie, we see Jaden Smith’s character (I forgot the character’s name, so I’m just going to refer to him as Jaden) trying to learn martial arts from DVDs. Jackie Chan’s character (again, forgot the character’s name, so will refer to him as Chan) sees this while fixing something in Jaden’s apartment and realizes that there is very little chance Jaden will be able to learn martial arts from DVDs.
Well, ya gotta start somewhere. And as most guys out there, I too had my introduction from paperbacks, ebooks, audio programs, and DVDs. But I was fortunate enough to have real life mentors early on–guys like Christian Hudson and Sebastian Drake–guide me in person. Otherwise, I would have been stuck like Jaden or Daniel-san, trying to learn from a TV screen.
Later, when Jaden went to his first kung-fu lesson by Chan, the first thing Jaden did was to explain to Chan that he already knew some fighting moves and was naturally athletic, so he “wasn’t as bad as the average guy,” and that “it would be easier to teach him than to teach the average kid off the street.” Jaden proceeded to (try to) demonstrate some of what he could do and ended up making a mess, breaking Chan’s vase.
Instead of acknowledging any current abilities that Jaden might have already had, Chan ignored Jaden’s ego-protecting attempts at self-qualification and set for him the mundane task of having Jaden throw down and then hang up his jacket over and over and over for nights in a row. At the time, Jaden thought that Chan was trying to punish him for his bad attitude (related to an earlier scene involving Smith’s mother) and did not think Chan was teaching him anything about kung-fu.
As I recall, in the original movie, Mr. Miyagi had to ignore Daniel-san’s tendency to think he already knew what he was doing and to force Daniel to learn from the ground up, from scratch. He had to do this even when Daniel progressed to the level of punching with gloves and protective gear.
When it comes to working with an experienced personal coach on an individual basis, don’t worry about making sure the coach knows what you can already do. If he’s an experienced, competent coach, he will be able to figure out for himself pretty quickly how good you are. Master coaches and even some naturals can tell within a few minutes how good a guy is with women. And if he needs any further information, he will know the right questions to ask. You don’t have to offer any explanations. In fact, the guys who waste time continually telling the trainers how good they already are (or were) and relating lengthy stories that were unsolicited are usually guys whose attitudes make them unteachable.
Often, students have to spend an initial period UNLEARNING all the mish mash of jumbled misconceptions and misinterpretations before they can actually understand and apply the correct stuff.
So instead, approach the learning with an open mind, and leave your preconceived notions at the door. Try to do exactly as your trainer instructs you FIRST before you start trying to think of reasons why it won’t work or devising “what if” scenarios. Otherwise, you will just be wasting your and their time. Try out their suggestions first, and give them a fair try. Only then come back for reflection and refinement.
As Miyagi said, to Daniel: “We make sacred pact. I promise teach karate to you. You promise learn. I say. You do. No questions.”
2. Be Patient with Progress; the “Why” Will Become Clear over Time
Master teachers know that if the student’s mindset is just as, if not more, important than the technique. That’s why Chan didn’t tell Jaden why he had him throw down and hang up his jacket over and over, and why Mr. Miyagi did not first tell Daniel-san why he had him wax his car, paint his fence, and sand his floor.
When kids want to learn martial arts, it’s often because they want to know how to fight. But that’s not really what’s best for them in the long run. The bad teachers in The Karate Kid movies just give the kids what they want (partly because that’s what the instructors are after, too): violence and aggression. But the real masters know that true mastery of any skillful activity in life necessitates and generates a higher outlook and greater purpose.
In the social arts, a lot of guys start out just wanting to bed a lot of girls with perhaps a very distant long-term goal of settling down with one or many long-term relationships or a spouse. Their immediate focus is on getting more and more sex–same night lays, faster and faster seductions, models and bottles, orgies galore–and that’s what a lot of the PUA marketing sells them. But the true masters know that these short-term gratifications will never result in any kind of lasting happiness or even contentment.
But they also know that most students aren’t ready to understand this.
So instead of trying to persuade them, a good coach might mislead or keep the student guessing as to the exact reason or greater purpose behind the lesson, at least until the student is ready to understand.
Most guys don’t really understand just how important are Body Language, Tonality, Eye Contact, and Mental States. They are far more important than verbal material or lines. Students often don’t really understand why they have to spend over 80% of their time working on and monitoring their posture; the way they stand, sit, move, walk, chew, talk; how they look into other people’s eyes; and why they have to do Visualizations and Affirmations daily; and most importantly, that they should focus mainly only on 3 things when they’re socializing: Having Fun; Making Other People Have Fun; and Making Connections.
Instead, they keep thinking their problem is that they don’t know what to say. It’s like those guys who think their problem is they don’t know how to punch and keep wanting to learn how to punch.
Daniel: When do I learn how to punch?
Miyagi: Better learn balance. Balance is key. Balance good, karate good. Everything good. Balance bad, better pack up, go home. Understand?
…
Daniel: [practicing blocks in Mr. Miyagi's boat] When am I gonna learn how to punch?
Miyagi: Learn how punch, after you learn how keep dry! [rocks boat, throwing Daniel into the water]
…
For instance, sometimes, what a guy most needs is to conquer his approach anxiety. But because of his crippling fear, he can’t tackle the problem head on by doing a ton of cold approaches. So instead, the coach tricks him into thinking he’s doing something else other than approaching–doing social freedom exercises like small talk with harmless strangers or doing crazy stunts on the street–and then eases the student into raising the bar to small talk with cute girls, bypassing the anxiety triggers.
This is the “boiling the frog” method.
3. The Social Arts are in Everything; Start with What You Naturally Do
Probably the most obvious parallel between The Karate Kid and debates in the social arts is in the natural vs. canned issue.
I doubt I need to explain this. It should be obvious.
The bad karate teacher is all about ruthless technique and using artificial means to toughen his kids up and brainwash them into being bad monsters.
Miyagi and Chan, however, teach their students using everyday actions–the sort of things they would naturally have to do as part of their daily activities–chores around the house and even just something as mundane as hanging up a jacket.
The deeper principle is in Jackie Chan’s line: “Everything is Kung Fu.” Or, “Kung Fu is in everything you do.”
Similarly, the social arts aren’t just for attracting women, though many guys only think of it in that narrowest of scopes–”pick up.” The social arts are involved any time you are interacting with another person. Practicing the social arts requires and develops social intelligence and emotional intelligence, which many researchers and experts consider to be far more accurate an indicator of life success than one’s IQ.
Almost all the skills involved in flirting with women are implicated and crossover in the skills required for socializing PERIOD. They are just adapted to a specific context. So actually, if you get good at and continue to improve at socializing in general–which is actually easier for most guys–and in many different and diverse contexts, you will concurrently progress in attracting women. As most PUAs often forget, women are people, too, LOL. Get good with people, and you will naturally get good with women.
Moreover, you will be doing so in a much more sustainable, healthy (read: non-creepy), and effective manner.
This bit of dialogue in the original movie sums it up nicely. Substitute “picking up girls” for “fighting” and “the social arts” for “karate,” and you get the idea:
Let “fighting”=”picking up girls”
Let “karate”=”The Social Arts”
Daniel: Hey - you ever get into fights when you were a kid?
Miyagi: Huh - plenty.
Daniel: Yeah, but it wasn’t like the problem I have, right?
Miyagi: Why? Fighting fighting. Same same.
Daniel: Yeah, but you knew karate.
Miyagi: Someone always know more.
Daniel: You mean there were times when you were scared to fight?
Miyagi: Always scare. Miyagi hate fighting.
Daniel: Yeah, but you like karate.
Miyagi: So?
Daniel: So, karate’s fighting. You train to fight.
Miyagi: That what you think?
Daniel: [pondering] No.
Miyagi: Then why train?
Daniel: [thinks] So I won’t have to fight.
Miyagi: [laughs] Miyagi have hope for you.
Thanks for reading along on my whimsical reflections! David have hope for you LOL Feedback appreciated.
Cheers, Asian Rake David.
The original trailer:
Comic relief for the holiday season
December 27, 2009
Merry Christmas to you and your loved ones!
On a totally unrelated note, I thought you’d appreciate seeing this hilarious clip by Russell Brand, a renowned rake himself. I especially like the part where he reads out the hate mail people send to him. Puts mine in perspective, LOL. Enjoy!
KEVJUMBA: Some Comic Relief
April 28, 2009
This guy is hilarious. And he actually gets his message across, too. LOL
Check out his website.
The Last of the Mohicans
April 27, 2009
Haven’t seen this movie in many years, but saw it on DVD recently. Awesome. Add it to your list.
It’s got so many great elements from an attraction arts standpoint: Exemplary body language and tonality. Great eye contact. The right dose of alpha male masculinity. Wonderful frame control and cocky dialogue. A perfect juxtaposition of the Provider archetype (Major Heyward), who tries to appeal through reason and logic, and the Lover archetype (Hawkeye played by Daniel Day-Lewis), who fires up her passion through unconscious attraction triggers.
Check it out: The Academy Award winning “The Last of the Mohicans.”
The 7 Commandments on How to Deal with NBTD (Nothing Better To Do), aka., Full-time Idiots
March 23, 2009
Just when I thought there was too much random clutter coming to me via twitter, I got Tim Ferriss’s notice that he’s updated his classic and entertaining blog post on how to handle full-time idiots, something that every public figure must learn at some point.
Check it out here.
I have Facebook stalkers…
January 28, 2009
And they just keep popping up, lol.
Be vigilant with your privacy settings and don’t tag your photos unless you want jealous guys and creepy, psychologically disturbed community guys tracking down your girls, messaging them, and spreading malicious rumors about you, including false information about how you run your day 2s and who you are currently seeing (wow, a little too close for comfort).
Singaporeans don’t have paparazzi; they have the creepy lair guy… who writes ungrammatical English, lol
As you make a name for yourself, you’ll have to get used to this; it comes with the territory. It’s almost inevitable that some random creepy guys out there will be so ego-driven, simultaneously so full of pride and envy that they will obsess over you. You barely even know of their existence, but they spend every waking moment obsessing over you. LOL. It sounds scary, but it’s actually more pitiful than anything else.
Not all community guys are creepy, of course, but you never know who you are really dealing with… (cue scary music, lol).
Back to our regularly scheduled programming.
Play on, The Asian Rake.
Thought Leader Interview with Lance
December 29, 2008
You might remember when I mentioned that I was named, along with such guys as Sinn and Dave Wygant, as one of the top Thought Leaders in the community by Honey and Lance. Following up on that, Lance has been doing email interviews with each of the Thought Leaders, and he just posted his interview with me.
If you haven’t checked out Honey and Lance yet, do it now. You’ll thank me profusely afterwards. Their site is easily one of the most insightful, candid, and well-balanced forums on dating and relationships. Most notably, their probing analyses and entertaining writing have attracted several articulate and highly intelligent female bloggers who have been interacting with both Honey and Lance and generating great discussions.
Here’s the original post on the Thought Leaders.
Here’s my interview with Lance.
I’ve pasted it below for your convenience. Check out the discussion over at Honey and Lance!
Peeps, I hope everyone had a lovely holiday weekend. I sure did. It’s a new week, so that means the Thought Leader Interview Series continues. Today we’re featuring one of the smartest guys in pickup, The Asian Rake, who bequeathed us one of the most thoughtful and provocative interviews to date. Be sure to check out his excellent blog, Dr. Asian Rake, and also his website, The Power of Being Asian. Holy cow, this stuff is awesome. Feel free to debate his points in the comments.
Money quote:
“As women continue to gain ground in the professional workforce, especially in socially conservative countries, the male provider mindset will drop away, not entirely, but considerably. In some countries, this might take 40 or 50 years instead of 10 or 20. But it’s bound to happen. When it does, society will have to come to grips with the fact that women want sexual satisfaction as much as men do and that many formal courtship patterns are unnecessary and even irrational.”
Based on your experience, what is your perspective on modern dating and how has it evolved in the last decade or so?
“Dating”? If you mean, a guy and a girl going out on some elaborate or expensive events with the explicit purpose of screening each other (or more likely, her screening him) for a long-term relationship leading to marriage, well, my perspective is that “dating” should have gone out the window ages ago. The fact is, though, it has stayed with us.
Modern dating still evinces vestiges of Victorian era courtship patterns. The full implications of the sexual revolution of the 50s and 60s in the US are still working themselves out in societies all over the world. There is still no consensus over such simple questions like whether a guy should pay for dinner on the first date. A lot of the male provider mindset still persists among both men and women despite the great strides women have made in the professional world and the fact that they can now provide for themselves.
A lot of people have been turning to online dating and matchmaking services, especially in conservative societies like Singapore. Facebook and other social networking sites have made it much easier for people to keep in contact with their extended social circles and more effortlessly expand their social network. But they’re also exposing people to more social risks and discouraging people from gaining in-person social calibration.
How has pickup affected the playing field, and do you see pickup going mainstream any time soon?
With the mainstream exposure of the pick-up community in America in the past few years, a lot of people have been exposed to the basic principles of the Mystery Method, but only a minority really believes it can be done. Even fewer have the courage or social freedom to try them out or have any calibration or practical experience in applying them. So while they have heard of negs or false time constraints, they often don’t understand the principles behind these techniques and have no idea how to calibrate these properly.
The best parts of pick-up draw from research in social and evolutionary psychology and neuroscience. Such aspects of pick-up that would resonate with the mainstream are those that are also found in a range of self-help books. It’s just that in pick-up, they are specifically adapted to attracting women.
The rest of the material will always be too extreme. As mainstream society adopts more of the community’s teachings, the community will and should continue to push the envelope and test the limits. That’s part of the reason for its effectiveness. By definition, the cutting edge will never be mainstream.
Where do you see dating & courtship headed in the future, like in 10 or 20 years from now?
Spending most of the year outside the US and in socially conservative cultures, I take a global perspective. As women continue to gain ground in the professional workforce, especially in socially conservative countries, the male provider mindset will drop away, not entirely, but considerably. In some countries, this might take 40 or 50 years instead of 10 or 20. But it’s bound to happen. When it does, society will have to come to grips with the fact that women want sexual satisfaction as much as men do and that many formal courtship patterns are unnecessary and even irrational.
Do you see any evolutions or new trends emerging in dating / relationships?
The pick-up community is evolving out of its immature reliance on other people’s scripted and canned material. When a critical mass of the community reaches a level closer to what we used to consider “mastery,” they will form a growing consensus that the most important catalysts of transformation are primarily lifestyle, identity, and social calibration. Basically, who you are and how you convey that.
This change will be slow, though, because as guys get closer to “mastery,” they tend to leave the community. I’ve been feeling that draw myself for over a year now. They are happy with their social skills and female companions and become busy mastering other areas of their lives.
These men are often replaced by boys re-inventing the wheel, looking for the magic bullets and surface embellishments to a f-cked up interior and a fragile foundation. Eventually, if these boys continue pushing themselves and persevere, they’ll realize they have to fix the foundation and start from ground zero. Ideally, each successive generation of newbies will start at a higher level. In this way, there can be advancement across the board.
Over time, the cutting edge will move into the area of managing relationships, the shadowy land lying beyond attraction, comfort, and seduction. There have been guys who theorize about this topic, but it’s still in its infancy. The past year also witnessed an explosion of material on social circle game. The developments in this area will target more specialized segments in terms of socio-economic class and sub-cultures.
What’s your best piece of advice for someone jumping into the dating pool?
If you’re just starting out and haven’t read any other community e-books or products, then get my Dating 101, which you can find on my website. Okay, now that my shameless plug is over with, I’d recommend the following for guys. The most important factors are all long-term processes.
- Get a fashion and grooming makeover. Pay for an image consultant if you have to. It’s not because looks matter, though of course they do. It’s because your outward appearance dramatically affects the way you view yourself and how you sub-communicate your self-image. Theoretically, this is the easiest and quickest step.
- Get a fitness plan and a personal fitness coach and start getting into the best shape of your life. This isn’t just to make you look sexy, but more importantly, for you to feel energetic and exude vitality.
- Develop a lifestyle you are proud of. Make your life generate social value passively. It’s like passive income. Live your life the way you want, and with little additional effort on your part, other people will find you immensely attractive.
- Do daily affirmations and visualizations based on your ideal self, your archetype, the kind of man you want to be.
- Practice being observant. Train your mind to notice quirky details and interesting things in your environment.
- Learn two or three simple opening lines. Then…
- Go to a lounge that you like, smile, head straight to the bar, and talk to the first person you see.
What’s on the horizon for the Asian Rake in 2009?
2008 saw a lot of changes in my personal and professional life. And I moved around in three different countries. I’m looking forward to 2009 being a year of settling down and being grounded for a little while. Then again, I say that every year, and I still end up traveling the world! I’ve gotta say, it’s an extraordinarily liberating feeling that comes from knowing you can move to a new city anywhere in the world and, with an investment of five minutes during the day and another few hours in the evening, have in your life a brand new girlfriend or two. This makes it highly tempting to travel around.
We hope to release the Power of Being Asian product early in the new year. I’m super pumped about it. It’s been a long time coming and encapsulates many of my thoughts and experiences from the past few years. We’ll also be rethinking how we do our personal coaching and making the overall educational experience more efficient and transformative.
Being Back Home
December 11, 2008
Ah, despite the subzero temperatures and snowy conditions, it is soo good to be back home in the Great White North. Gearing up now for short trips to Michigan, NYC, and Hong Kong on the way back to Singapore.
It’s especially nice to be back in a land of tolerance and acceptance, especially regarding forms of sexual expression and different kinds of lifestyles and relationships. A nice change from Singapore society.
Just started exploring the Japan Lair, which seems to have a surprising number of experienced and mature posters, and found it a healthy and refreshing alternative to the schizophrenia and navel-gazing of some local lairs. Ganbatte!
Btw, Lance of Honey and Lance was generous enough to mention me in his Thought Leaders post. Their blog is one of the best resources out there combining perspectives from both genders, presenting a well-balanced perspective on the “community,” and highlighting controversial viewpoints from diverse approaches to the social arts. Keep it up, guys!
I’ve also been recommending to a lot of people the interview series by Nick Sparks in which Nick talks to cute girls. Here’s an example of one in which he ends up making out with this girl that he had only met about 10 minutes prior to the filming. This is high energy vibing (in a low energy environment no less) at its best.
Singapore Pick Up Weirdo and Lairs…
September 14, 2008
I guess when you stand up, you’ll get noticed, and others will try to chop you down.
For those who don’t know, there are online forums of random guys who share tips and thoughts on getting better with women.
These forums are called “lairs.” There are at least three lairs in Singapore alone. These lairs organize meetings for these guys to meet other aspiring “pickup artists.”
My experience with lairs in several different countries has been largely disappointing. Over 90% of the lair members are downright creepy and have major psychological issues. Pickup weirdos.
This past weekend, I got sucker-punched by a new pickup weirdo who introduced himself to me outside a club. He was with a big gang of lair guys, a few of whom I know and count as friends.
When a friend introduces me to another guy, I’ll treat the guy like a friend. I’m friendly. I let my guard down. I let you into my circle. I’ll even introduce you to my girls.
The last thing you should do is to try to AMOG me (trying to assert your alpha-ness and social authority) in front of one of my girls.
Even while it’s happening, I give you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe this is just the way you are. Maybe you’re new to the scene. Maybe you don’t know that you’re stepping on toes. Maybe you’re incredibly insecure and need to pee on the tree to feel like a man. So I throw you a bone.
But no. The air of superiority, and the naked assertion of ego is unmistakeable.
So you win the little AMOG battle. You pump up my girl’s buying temperature. She gets giddy, subconsciously feeling that two men are fighting over her. I learned something very important about this girl.
But more significantly, that pickup weirdo just lost a potential friend… for now, anyway.
Choose your battles wisely. Especially when there isn’t even a war.
Peace and love, The Asian Rake.
Outcome-Independence and How to Have Fun!
May 24, 2008
In response to helpful comments and a couple of emails on my article on why I hate the word, ’sarging,’ I wish to clarify something. I am criticizing the word ’sarging,’ but not the act itself of purposely flirting with women you don’t yet know.
Yes, you need discipline to get really good at anything. If you’ve listened to my interview with Christian Hudson (www.thesocialman.com/asianrakeintv.mp3), you know that I apply a LOT of discipline and perseverance to getting good with women, especially in connection with visualizations and affirmations, as well as with going out on a consistent basis.
Until you’ve developed the habit of going out on weekends on a regular basis, you will always need that initial push to leave the comfort of your home and go to a place that is conducive to meeting hot women. But this push will only be necessary until you’ve developed the habit, which for me, was about 3-4 months of consistently going out for at least two nights a week. For daytime, decide how much you want and can devote to this and work this into your weekly schedule.
I still clearly remember having Christian remind me over the phone when I was first starting out, “Dude, it’s Friday night. Get out there!” Not too long thereafter, this changed to, “Dude, it’s Thursday night. Get out there!” I no longer needed the push to go out on Fridays and Saturdays. I had already scheduled it into my weekly routine.
In my first couple of months, I even had to do community service for running a red light (I pleaded for community service rather than paying a fine, the cheap grad student that I was) for 4 hours every Friday and Saturday until midnight. I was pretty exhausted on those nights. But guess what? I stuck with my routine and still put in at least an hour, and sometimes two, every one of those nights. And I have the Field Reports to prove it! I even wrote pages of analysis after having spent just one hour in the field… and then I often emailed them to Christian for feedback, LOL. It would have been easy to just use the community service work as an excuse for not going out, but I didn’t. And that took determination. But once it became a habit, I actually really missed going out.
(Sidenote: The next major reason guys aren’t progressing as fast as they could, besides having the wrong mental focus in-field, is that they aren’t reflecting and learning enough from every single interaction. I made interaction-by-interaction adjustments to my style. Just one hour in the field usually produced at least three interactions full of lessons.)
It’s a lot like going out to the gym and doing regular workouts. When you first start out, it takes discipline to hit the weights. You have to push yourself to go. But once you work it into your schedule and start seeing progress, you begin to look forward to your workout. I hit the gym three times a week and have a pretty rigorous workout with a trainer. I often travel for weeks at a time, so it interrupts my progress, but whenever I miss a workout, even on vacation, I feel it in my muscles. I can feel myself getting flabby and slow. I can feel my muscles atrophying. And I can’t wait to get back to the gym. Actually, a major factor in my hotel choices these days, right after price and location, is the quality of the fitness center.
Well then, Asian Rake, it sounds like you do think we need a “clocking in” mentality when we’re first starting out, even though later on, it becomes a habit that we look forward to.
Here’s my answer: This “clocking in” mentality is fine for getting yourself TO the venue. But once you’re there, drop that right away. You should not be thinking of this as “work” while you’re IN the venue.
When you’re IN the venue, you should be having fun.
If you are thinking, “Oh fuck, I’ve been standing around talking to my friends for an hour now and haven’t done a single approach yet. I better get out there and get to work. I better clock in and make a dent on my thousand approaches. Okay, let’s see… (scanning the room) where are the targets? …,” then you have already tainted your approach. You’re already fighting an uphill battle. If you carry this mentality into an interaction, you WILL be sucking value rather than giving it.
The fatal mistake here was that you weren’t having fun in the first place.
What to do instead?
As my good friend Sebastian likes to drill into people:
1. Have fun!
2. Make other people have fun.
3. Then see if that hot girl really meets your standards.
4. And remember to manage the logistics.
That’s really all that should be going on when you’re in-field.
Notice that this post is only about the first step: Have fun!
See my other posts, like Believability, How to Project a Sexual Vibe, and other posts in my Top Posts widget in the sidebar for more on the other steps.
So the question is, how do you have fun in a club?
I will tell you a secret to getting on the “first-class seat in the express flight” to elite game:
If you do not yet enjoy clubbing, then it will be very hard for you to meet and attract women in a club.
If you do not yet enjoy shopping malls, then it will be very hard to for you to meet and attract women in a shopping mall.
If you do not yet enjoy cafes and bookstores, then it will be very hard for you to meet and attract women in cafes and bookstores.
If you do not yet enjoy bars, then it will be very hard for you to meet and attract women in bars.
So, what lesson can we derive from this?
Learn to enjoy the environment of the venue for it’s own sake, not just as a place to meet women. Otherwise, you will very likely not be having fun, and hence, you will not be projecting a good vibe, and hence, all your sub-communications will be off, and hence, you will be severely tainting every interaction you start there.
One of the first things I learned from Christian Hudson was how to have fun in bars and clubs. I naturally enjoy bars so that was easier. But how to have fun in very loud clubs with music that I didn’t (and still don’t) particularly care for and with nowhere to sit unless you’ve purchased a table with very expensive bottle service? Well, that took a little longer to figure out. But once I did, my game in clubs skyrocketed.
People have different ways of having fun in clubs, bars, cafes, bookstores, shopping malls, heck, even supermarkets. So I’m not going to tell you how to have fun. That’s something you have to figure out for yourself. Plus, you can read more detail on this in an earlier post on Being Unselfconscious. I can, though, tell you how I have fun in the bar and club environment, since that’s the one that is most foreign to most guys starting out.
To be truly outcome-independent in a bar or club, you must be completely content with yourself and enjoying your time without having to chat up a single cute girl.
Whoa! What are you saying, Asian Rake? Are you saying that I should go to a club and not talk to a single girl? Not do a single approach??? How the hell am I going to amass my thousand approaches like this?
If you are not yet able to have fun in a bar or club all by yourself and not purposely “cold approaching” a single “set,” then … YES. The first order of business for you is to learn to enjoy yourself in the venue for its own sake.
A big turning point for me was learning how to sit at a bar by myself, not talking to a single “set,” simply soaking in the ambience, savoring my martini, and chilling out. Sure, I talked to people. I talked to the bartender. I talked to the nice couple next to me. I talked to the older women on the other side who were enjoying a night out of wine tasting. But I never considered any of these interactions to be “sets.”
Then, I learned to have fun on my own in a loud dance club. I learned that I can stand at the bar with a drink, soaking in the ambience with a smile on my face, staring into space, letting myself fall into trance with the beats … all by myself. Sure, I talked to people, very briefly of course, as it was a loud club. I talked to the bartender. I clinked glasses with the group next to me. When the alpha male there saw I was alone, he invited me into their group and poured me a drink. Then a group of three girls started eyeing me, I walked over and clinked glasses with them. Then, one of them started asking me the buying questions (where are you from, etc.). There were nights when I sat at the bar of a big club all by myself, just chilling, and three separate women practically propositioned me for sex (and they weren’t pay-for-play, which is a major issue in Asia; I made sure to suss that out). I haven’t bothered to write reports on these because other than having a long backlog of LRs to write, with these in particular, nothing of any consequence can be conveyed in words. It was all the vibe, conveying passive value, good body language, and managing logistics.
Last night, I sat at the bar of a huge dance club all by myself. I was just sitting there, enjoying the ambience and staring into space. It was 4am. A guy sat next to me, chatting to a girl on the other side of him. She was wearing a tight dress that showed off her long legs. She had silky long black hair that framed a perfect doll-like face. She looked over at me. We locked eyes. She was talking to the guy while looking at me. The guy had his back to me and kept talking to her. He looked like a wuss. I walked over to her other side and planted myself at the bar. I said, “Hey,” and smiled. Turns out the wuss was her boyfriend but they’d only been going out for a month. He looked scared and came over, trying to AMOG. Pathetic attempt. I kinda felt sorry for him. This girl was way out of his league. She asked for my number. And then they left. On my way home at 5 in the morning, the sun was rising in Beijing. And she phoned me…
You see, all this started because I was having fun all by myself. My energy was all coming from within. I didn’t need anybody to make me happy. I was perfectly happy just chilling out with my drink. I wasn’t seeking anything. I was just … being. This is what it means to have a vibe that offers value. You are the party.
My fun these days when I go out is not dependent on any girl’s reaction. It’s dependent on me and me alone. I remind myself, “If I don’t meet a single hot girl tonight, I’m still going to have fun because my purpose tonight is not to meet girls; it’s to have fun!”
Go out there and have fun tonight!
Happy playin’, The Asian Rake.
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