Developing Independence and Eliminating Approval-Seeking Behaviour
So you grew up with strict, demanding parents and ended up with an approval-seeking personality, especially from women. You’re now needy and regularly feel like you’re having your boundaries violated, especially by women. What to do?
You have to identify your own approval-seeking behaviours. Actually pay attention to your actions, and when you find yourself acting or thinking in such a way as to seek someone’s approval, note it down. Really, open the Notes function on your phone, and just jot it down.
Then set a period of time to stop doing those specific behaviours. Decide that for a week or a month, you will completely stop doing that behaviour.
For example, maybe you realize that you wash your car a lot because you’re concerned about what people think about you based on how clean your car is. This is approval-seeking behaviour. You’re deriving some measure of your self-worth from whether and how much other people validate you. So stop doing that for a month. Don’t wash your car for a month and as it becomes dirtier and dirtier, especially if you’re in Canada in the winter, it turns into… well, you can’t even look out the window. Okay, for safety purposes, you may want to clean the windows. But otherwise, just let it get nasty. And finally, see what happens. You’ll discover that people don’t really care how clean your car is, at least, they won’t judge you for it. And even if they did, it’s great that you’re not seeking their approval anymore, and you are, in fact, incurring their disapproval. As you stop doing that approval-seeking behaviour, you might actually begin incurring some disapproval, and that’s a good thing. You are learning to live without the approval of others. Or, you just might see that no one cares at all, that this desperate need to please everyone was all in your head. It’s all an illusion that you think a certain behaviour will bring you approval from those you seek approval from.
You can practice this in a hundred ways. Just be on the look-out for your own approval-seeking behaviour. For instance, dress how YOU want, without thinking about how others will perceive you. Dress for you! Once you find that you can do the behaviour without having the approval-seeking emotion attached to it, then you can return to that behaviour and do it again if you want.
So, in other words, if you’ve found that, after going a month with a dirty car, you are washing your car because you just like to have a clean car, then go ahead and clean it, because you can do this without seeking anyone else’s approval except your own. By attacking this approval-seeking problem head on you realize that NOT seeking approval is NOT going to kill you.
As you do this, you learn to put yourself and your needs first.
Many Asian men think that this is somehow selfish. Ironically, this is what makes you most attractive and what others want you to do, too. Others want you to put yourself and your needs first. You might think that they’d rather you put their needs first. Obviously, there are some immoral people who’d rather you withdrew all your money at the bank and gave it to them. Yeah, sure, but if it’s in a relationship, they want you to do what you want to do. Remember, people are repelled by co-dependent personalities. Do not become co-dependent.
Ironically, to please others, you actually have to please yourself first.
Putting yourself first does not mean being cruel or ignoring people’s needs. Rather, it means looking after your own needs first and doing what you want to do foremost. If you want to go to a movie, and none of your friends want to, forget about them and go see the movie on your own. That’s what being independent means. And it’s incredibly sexy. You might be surprised when others follow you.
Now practice this, take a week or a month and practice putting yourself first – when you want to do something, do it. See how that feels. Obviously, don’t do anything illegal or anything that would harm anybody else’s health.
During this time ensure that you are always doing positive self-affirmations. This simply means talking to yourself in a positive way. Look in the mirror every morning and tell yourself, “I do not need the approval of others. I wish to please myself.”
The idea here is to look at what you need to become, and work on one item at a time. We have said that you have to start by NOT seeking approval constantly. Then, you work on pleasing yourself and on being assertive, a leader. Next, work on developing an adventurous side. The idea is, if you take these things one at a time, and work on one really hard for weeks or months, you can really incorporate it into your new personality. Then, you work on the next one. By doing one at a time it is not overwhelming, you can see the impact it has, and then at the end you can work on doing all of them and becoming a more sexually desirable man.
In the next article, I’ll dive in the details on how to become adventurous in a way that draws women to you. To read it, click here.