The sexually attractive man–no matter his race–is a leader, assertive, sexual, and adventurous and easy going. Now let’s look in more detail at the last two traits: Adventurous and Easygoing.
We know that women want men, not boys. And, in terms of evolutionary history, they want men who are willing to take risks, to rescue them and keep them safe. But the momma’s boy doesn’t take any risks because he is too busy waiting for his mother’s approval. And now it’s finally time to address the big elephant in the Singapore room: The evolution of the proverbial Asian momma’s boy. I’ll also be drawing applications to show how the momma’s boy in you can become an independent, adventurous, easygoing dude who gets the girls he wants.
Am I blaming the parents? Not at all! They most likely had the best of intentions. But as an adult now, it’s important that you come to grips with why they did what they did and how you can make the best of that, while also building on what you’ve been given to create something even better and stronger.
Many Asian men, especially in Singapore, were conditioned to defer to authority figures and elderly people and were raised to feel an extreme need for parental approval. These are closely related. And while it’s good to respect authority and care about your parents’ opinions, it is not good for an adult male to take these to an excessive degree.
Recently, I had a Singapore client on a fashion consultation who was advised to alter his bowl cut hairstyle into something more modern. After just a day experimenting with his new hairstyle, he came to me and said he couldn’t keep his new hairstyle, that it had literally driven his mom to tears. She couldn’t handle the change, so he had to go back to his old bowl cut.
Though he was in his 20s, this guy couldn’t change his hairstyle because his mom wouldn’t like it. Of course, if he could not make such a small, basic change, this man had no chance making the changes necessary in his personality to become sexually attractive.
This is not an isolated incident. I have had a number of rich clients who have driven their Ferrari’s or Lamborghini’s to our meetings, paid ten grand for a personal consultation, and yet are still dependent on their moms to buy their underwear.
Unfortunately, if I give you great tips but you can’t carry them out because your mom doesn’t approve, your social life is not going to improve. Forget sex, you won’t even get a date. I can’t work miracles; you do have to make some changes. Your mom probably doesn’t like what sexy young women like. You have to make a choice.
The best thing is to actually go through that rite of passage that most North Americans undergo after high school: Move out on your own. Mom doesn’t want to see you with a sexy haircut because she’s uncomfortable thinking of you as a sexual being at all. That makes perfect sense. So don’t make it hard on her. Get your independence, live on your own, and then you can be a lot more free to decide for yourself what your new hairstyle, fashion, and lifestyle will be like.
Yes, your mother’s opinion is important. But this does not mean she should dictate every tiny step that you take. Singaporeans, in particular, bring this issue up much more frequently than any other Asian group I know. They think that they are honouring their Chinese heritage by always obeying their patients.
But the examples and cases they bring up are not about honouring their parents.
They’re about obeying your parents. But obeying and honouring are two different things. When it comes to obedience, if the parent doesn’t want you to do it, you don’t; and if they tell you to do X you are supposed to do X. And in Singapore, it seems like it doesn’t matter how old you are. It doesn’t matter if you’re 14 or 34. No matter what, you’re supposed to obey your parents. What a great mindset to make yourself as sexually unattractive as possible
I’ve seen intelligent, professional Singapore men turn down promotions because it would require them to move out of the country, and their mom cried at the thought of them leaving her home… So he turned down the promotion. It’s pretty ridiculous that his mom’s neediness has prevented him from progressing in his career. This isn’t even about dating or women, this is his career and money. And these Singaporean men mistakenly think it’s okay because it is the “Chinese” thing to give up and sacrifice your good for your parents’ preferences. I’ll tell you right now it’s not. Honouring and obeying are two different things.
What is a momma’s boy? It’s an adult male who is still dependent on his mother’s approval, or worse, his mother’s permission to do things.
Oh, and by the way, if you don’t know this already, momma’s boys are a huge turn-off to women.
What could be worse? The fact that this if the momma’s boy doesn’t fix his co-dependency on his mother while he still can, the trend will only continue as he gets older. When the momma’s boy does get a girl, he simply turns from delegating all decisions to his mother to delegating all decisions to his girlfriend/fiancee/wife, who has essentially become his surrogate mother. How sexy is that?!
I’ve had an overwhelming number of Singaporean women comment to me that the reason why they prefer expat men is because the Singaporean men that they’ve dated have all acted like boys. They live with their mommies, they wait for their mommy to do things for them, and they end up treating her like his surrogate mommy. Women want independent men who take risks.
The objection could be, “Hey, how could we have Asian momma’s boys? I thought Asians made strict parents. How could they raise a momma’s boy? Doesn’t a momma’s boy come from a mother who pampers and spoils the boy all the time?” The answer is, No. That’s a misconception.
Momma’s boys are not created by spoiling the boy. Momma’s boys are created in strict environments that deny them independence but that meet their other basic needs within the limits of that freedom.
A momma’s boy is not someone who is just a spoiled, pampered, prince. A momma’s boy is someone who is denied the freedom to make his own choices, so he ends up becoming dependent on the primary care giver, whether it’s the mother, the father, the tutor, or whoever has been delegated the child raising role. If they don’t ever develop this independence they’re going to remain dependent, obviously. That’s how momma’s boys are created. It’s not through being spoiled.
An Asian momma’s boy does not result from abusive child raising; it’s not like he’s Cinderella. He’s not locked in a basement, denied food, forced to do manual labor, or things like that.
The two trends that have to come together to make a momma’s boy is a strict (but not abusive) environment, so there are a lot of rules to follow, and things the child cannot do, but within those rules all of his other needs are met. This creates dependency in him. Don’t give them any decision-making freedom, but then you make sure that all of his other needs are taken care of.
The child then doesn’t need to make any decisions. He gets enough food and pampering so that, within his jail cell, he’s comfortable. This is how he gets lulled into complacency. If mom packs your lunch into your teenage years, you are becoming a momma’s boy. The Asian momma’s boy has a mom who feeds him, cuts his food, tells him how to dress and wear his hair, tells him where to live, and so on, well past his teenage years. If you are 23 and your mom is doing your laundry and ironing your underwear, you’ve got a problem. Welcome to the Momma’s Boys Club.
In researching this phenomena of Asian Momma’s boys, I found an interesting TIME magazine report; it’s funny because the headline said it was shocking news. Apparently, it is shocking that 30% of men in Italy between the ages of 30 and 34 still live with their mothers. The article pondered how 37% of men in Italy, or anywhere else in the world, could still live with Mom after the age of 30. Funny, because my personal experience, which is just anecdotal, seems to suggest that the rate is much higher than this for single Singaporean men between 30 and 34; I think that upwards of 90% are living with their mommy. Maybe TIME magazine should come to Singapore and check this situation out.
You know, this isn’t just about you; this is actually causing a national problem. Since the 1980s the Singapore government has been concerned about the low birthrate of the educated classes. Studies have shown that not only are people putting off having babies, they’re also putting off getting married. And on top of that they’re also putting off romantic relationships. Many of these people say they are too wrapped up in their careers, but in my experience that is not the real reason. They seem to have plenty of time to play computer games, surf the net, and just sit at home while mommy folds their laundry.
Too many Asian men exist (who can call it living?) in this relationship of dependence on his caregivers. You have got to break free if you want to attract women. Let’s back up a minute and look at how the momma’s boy phenomena all started.
Dependence, Approval, and Tiger Parenting
Of course, coming into the world we are totally helpless. We rely on our parents to do everything for us. Furthermore, we are very egocentric, we think that the entire world revolves around us. And to be fair, in our subjectivity, it actually does. If your parents were the type to continually coddle you, attend to you constantly, and never let you take one step without holding your hand, you learned that in fact the world does revolve around you.
Yet, if you had challenging parents who had extremely high expectations and pushed you too hard, the fact that you were born with an egocentric mindset probably caused you to feel that you were the reason for every emotion your parents had; if they were happy, you did it, but if they were unhappy then that was your fault too. You built the world around you, unconsciously – we all do. Humans are born with abandonment issues and an egocentric need. An amazing resource on “nice guys” and abandonment issues is Robert Glover’s No More Mr. Nice Guy. Highly recommended. Of course, Asians have it even worse, because they have all these and more.
You have probably heard of tiger moms or tiger dads. Amy Chua, a professor of law at Yale University, coined the term tiger mom in her book on the topic. Her book, Battle Helm of the Tiger Mother, is a popular parenting memoir. Eventually, Chua would say that this book and the subsequent Wall Street Journal article was not her current parenting style, that it was satire, that it showed how she changed during parenthood, and that it was supposed to be funny. Yet, many people took it to heart. Many parents took this book as a call to action, using it to point out the deficiencies in American parenting and point out why Chinese parenting is superior.
In the article, Chua told how her two daughters were never allowed to attend a sleepover, have a play date, be in a school play, complain about not being in a school play, watch TV or play computer games, or choose their own extracurricular activities. She said that they could not get any grade less than an A. They had to be the number one student in every subject, except gym and drama because those aren’t important. They could not play any instrument other than the piano or violin, and they had to play the piano or the violin. Sound familiar? This is the tiger mom and dad way of raising your child.
In many cases this is considered Asian parenting–the emphasis on getting good grades, the emphasis on only pursuing classical extracurricular subjects. Interestingly, the Asian emphasis does not appear to involve getting a good job. Many of the Asian Americans and Asians around the world are good at things like computers and math. And you might think that this is because their parents are forcing them to study things that are practical, that will get them a good job. But this has never really been the issue. The Asian focus is not on getting a job; that’s a very modern thing. The Asian focus is on getting good grades. No matter what you are graded on, you have got to get a good grade, only excepting subjects that are intellectually inferior, such as physical education or drama. In fact, if you are Asian and you get a 97 percent on test, your parents won’t give you money or cookies like your white classmates get from their parents. Instead, your parents will scold you for missing the three percent. I’m only half-joking here.
Tiger parenting is strict business. However, the reason why it resonated so well with so many people who read about this was because there is quite a lot of truth in it; children raised like this often do well in school.
I knew a tiger parenting couple who raised five children, all of whom went on to medical school. Not only this, but they started medical school years before other students did; they were exceptional. I knew another Asian kid who got into medical school in his early 20s, and by the time he started med school, he had a Royal Conservatory of Music ARCT certification in piano, was a certified sailing instructor, was an airline pilot, marathon runner and award winning ballroom dancer, among other things. Many people just thought, “Of course. He’s Asian.” But this isn’t about natural brains, this is about parental expectations.
What does this do to the boys? Maybe this parenting style is effective for girls to get ahead in the world at least. It definitely has been shown to be effective in getting kids to do well in school.
But, what else happens to the boys? It communicates to them that they are not okay just as they are. It communicates to them that they are only lovable when they live up to their parents’ expectations. So, when they get the good grades, when they obey their parents and when they get into the good colleges or they place first in the piano competition, then they’ve lived up to their parent’s expectations, and only then they are worthy of love and affection. That’s the message anyway. They also learn that the needs of others are more important than their own needs. Their decisions are taken out of their hands because their desires are not taken into account. All of this communicates to these children that the love and affection of the parents is conditional.
The result is that the boys blame themselves for everything; they infer that there must be something wrong with them, because their parents yell at them and because they can’t make their parents happy, because their parents are disappointed in them, because their parents have to do everything for them. They think that they are not good enough.
In short, when they depend on their parents and do as they are told, they are rewarded. Anything done to please themselves is punished. They feel they are not good enough and only deserve love when they please others. The momma’s boy is born.
Unfortunately, it gets worse. This momma’s boy then starts to apply this thinking to the rest of his life. He thinks that not only are his parents’ love and affection conditional, but also society’s goodness to him is conditional, and the affection and attention of women are conditional.
He forms the underlying belief that he is not good enough to attract women just as he is, that he is unworthy of them just the way he is. Instead, he already believes he must to do lots of extra things to get their approval.
So the Asian boy concludes that if he can hide his flaws, if he becomes what he thinks others want him to be, then he will be loved. Tiger parenting then creates a dependent, approval seeking, momma’s boy. It’s not just the way these Asian males relate to their parents, but the way they view the world, the way they interact with authority figures, bosses at work, teachers at school, the women they look up to, the men they respect, and the women they are in love with. They feel that they are not just not good enough as they are, that they have to do extra work to win approval.
The biggest problem now is that women are not attracted to men who seek the approval of women. Actually, that is the height of unattractiveness in a man.
So if you were raised this way or have these tendencies, what can you do? Let’s look at some of the application points. We’ve looked at how you got into the position in the first place. So what to do? Instead of turning people into surrogate mothers, you must work to seek your own approval. You’ve got decide for yourself what you want to see in your life and go about finding that and achieving that. To do this you’ve got to become self validating. This starts when you identify the specific problem.
In the next instalment of this series, we’ll be looking at how you can break free from your dependency and become a sexually attractive man who is adventurous and easygoing and attracts the kind of women you really want.