Be a Man: Make Your Own Decisions
February 22, 2009
With some help from David Deida and Fenn & Schneider, here’s the latest column.
| The Electric New Paper : | |
| Dr Date | |
| Be a man: Make your own decisions | |
| ONE salient trait of a strong man is that he makes up his own mind. Of course, he takes other people’s opinions into consideration, but when it comes to making a decision, he trusts his own judgment. | |
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| 23 February 2009 | |
| ONE salient trait of a strong man is that he makes up his own mind. Of course, he takes other people’s opinions into consideration, but when it comes to making a decision, he trusts his own judgment.
This is especially pertinent when it comes to listening to the opinions of your date, girlfriend, lover, partner, or spouse. But this also applies to the opinions of a man’s male friends. I have seen moments of weakness in men, and I have been as guilty as the rest of us. A man is unduly influenced in his opinion of his love interest, girlfriend or spouse just because some of his friends think she isn’t as attractive as he thinks. Since he cares too much about the opinions of others, he begins to doubt himself. Perhaps the friends have good reasons for wanting him to be less attracted to her. Maybe they want him to see that she is deceiving him in some way. Or maybe they are just envious and want to ruin their friend’s ‘undeserved’ happiness. Regardless, a strong man will take their opinions and reasons into account but will ultimately make up his own mind. A strong man is not easily swayed by the opinions of others. This is especially important when it comes to a man’s dealings with his girl. A man should always listen to his woman. But in the end, he should make his own decision. If you choose to follow your woman’s suggestion, even when deep down you know a different decision would be better, then you are basically communicating to yourself, her, and the world, ‘I do not trust my own judgment’. You are weakening yourself by telling yourself this. You are undermining your woman’s trust in you. This is a huge turn-off. Why would she trust you if you don’t even trust yourself? Take responsibility If, however, you listen to your woman and then make your own decision based on your own authentic, genuine intent, then you are saying, ‘My best judgment is leading me to this decision. I am willing to be wrong. If I am wrong, I will learn and grow from it. I am open to listening to others, but I take responsibility for my own decisions. There is nobody else to blame.’ This applies to such trivial choices as which restaurant to go to, as well as major decisions like relocating to another country. Your attitude of self-trust engenders others’ trust in you. Be a leader. Make your own decisions. And be ready to take responsibility. Learn more about dating expert Dr Date at his website: www.powerofbeingasian.com. Dear Dr Date, I have been married to my husband for over five years, and we are still young and without children. He works during the day, and I look after the home. I feel like it’s getting harder to keep his attention and interest. We’ve been going on dates once every two weeks to keep things fresh, but he often still ignores me, snaps at me rudely, and basically treats me badly. What should I do? Sincerely, Anjuli Dear Anjuli, It’s possible that his neglect and bad treatment of you stems from something in his past or upbringing, or maybe it’s a result of something deeper. If this continues to be a persistent problem, perhaps you should consider seeing a marriage therapist. For now, try out these three recommendations. 1.Dress up, and dress sexier. No man likes coming home to a woman wearing dowdy sweatpants or pyjamas all the time. Try to be more fashionable - tight jeans, miniskirts, or a low-cut top to show off a bit of your cleavage. Get lean. Join a gym, and start working off those extra kilos. Put on make-up and perfume, even just for dinner at home. Do your hair. Pretend you are dating him. 2.Act more independent. Always be going somewhere. Don’t sit on the couch waiting for him to return. Don’t bore him with details about your day. Make lots of plans with your friends and family. Go shopping at VivoCity. Catch an afternoon movie at the Cineleisure. Just get out there. Men love independent women because they leave them alone. Men love chasing busy women. 3.Get a hobby. Don’t nag him to give up his sports, buddies, or work just because you feel neglected. You will get even more attention from him if you become even busier than he is. Go for a jog or take up an aerobics class at the gym. Get involved in a charity, read books, take up a sport. Stay independent and busy. Don’t hang around nagging him. Get out there, and he’ll start chasing you. |
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Copyright © 2005 Singapore Press Holdings Ltd. Co. Regn. No. 198402868E. All rights reserved.
Privacy Statement and Conditions of Access |
The Singles’ Scene in Singapore is Alive and Well
February 15, 2009
My latest column in The New Paper covers my thoughts on a singles’ event I attended.
Another new addition is the link to Jay Valens’s (Formhandle) site, Fast Seduction, which was the original forum way way back when Mystery, Juggler, Zan, and other old-timers were just starting to work out their ideas. It’s still the most active forum in the world today. Check it out. The home page is very busy, so look carefully for the link to the forum somewhere on the first page.
| The Electric New Paper : | |
| Dr Date | |
| Singles’ parties are alive and kicking | |
| SEVERAL clusters of attractive, single, Singaporean women awaited courageous men, or better yet, sociable men, to introduce themselves. | |
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| 16 February 2009 | |
| SEVERAL clusters of attractive, single, Singaporean women awaited courageous men, or better yet, sociable men, to introduce themselves.
In the midst of this scene, a cute girl pointed out ‘The Row’. While the rare man or two or three was richly rewarded by his newly made female friends for his social bravery, there was still the infamous ‘Row’ of single men lined up along the bar and along the couches against the wall, silent, unsmiling, and scanning the room for ‘targets’, which they would be too nervous to approach in the end. This was a scene from one of the ubiquitous singles’ events springing up all over the city leading up to Valentine’s Day yesterday. What to do if you ever find yourself an unwilling member of the infamous Row? Read my answer to today’s reader’s question below for more on this. Last Thursday night, I dropped in on one of these singles’ events, The Little Black Book Party, which was attended by good-looking men and women seeking increased efficiency in finding new friends and potential partners. For an entry fee less than the price of a regular cocktail, participants were given two drink tickets and enjoyed complimentary hors d’oeuvres, snacks, and canapes. The Little Black Book holds its singles’ events at different venues each time. This one was hosted by Le Noir at Clarke Quay. Past venues include The White Rabbit at Dempsey and Mimolette on Fairways Drive. If you want to find out more about them, join their Facebook group, The Little Black Book. This was not an overly contrived gathering. No awkward games, coerced interactions, or people on microphones interrupting your conversation with ‘announcements’ just when you were starting to make a real connection with your new friend. The natural flow of social dynamics prevailed. Good singles’ events provide the conditions for effective socialising-friendly, stylish Singaporeans who are self-proclaimed singles and (gasp!) open to being approached by complete strangers. Mix in discounted drinks and good music. And the stage is set for a fun night making new friends! Learn more about dating expert Dr Date at his website: www.powerofbeingasian.com. How do I approach girls at parties? Dear DrDate, I went to a singles’ event last week, but even though there were many single women, I didn’t know how to approach them. How would I get a girl’s number there? Yours, Boring Bernard Dear Bernard, Thank you, Bernard, for your letter, in which you asked a lot more questions. I’ll answer those privately. But let’s deal with this one first. In my column above, I mentioned The Row: That line of men standing against the wall of the club, staring ominously ahead or scanning the room nervously, not talking much to their friends and just being silent, unsmiling, trying to look cool and tough, and only interested in talking to a hot girl. These guys will most likely be going home alone. You don’t want to be caught in The Row. If you find yourself in The Row, ‘trying to be cool’, and actually, too afraid to talk to that cute girl in front of you, then immediately walk away. Take a breather for a few minutes. Step outside for a few minutes to get some air. Then, when you re-enter the venue, be the social guy. Talk to the first friendly person you see, whether it’s the bouncer, a random guy, or an old woman. Your opener can be as simple and effective as, ‘Hey, having a good time tonight?’ If you get a friendly response, follow this up by introducing yourself: ‘My name is . What’s yours?’ Work the room. Talk to every friendly person you see, guy or girl. You don’t have to talk to the person for long. Even just a minute will do to make a good impression. Eventually, you will make your way to that cute girl you didn’t have the courage to approach earlier. But now you built up for yourself some social momentum. Talk to her just like you’ve been talking to everybody else up to then. Remember, it’s perfectly normal and even a highly valuable skill to start conversations with total strangers. After you make emotional and social connections, see if the girl meets your standards. After this, it should seem natural for both of you to want to continue your conversation at another time. It could be as simple as ‘let’s trade contact info, do you have your phone with you?’ And then exchange numbers or e-mail addresses or name cards. I go into all of this in much more detail in my Dating 101 audio course, which you can find on my website. |
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Copyright © 2005 Singapore Press Holdings Ltd. Co. Regn. No. 198402868E. All rights reserved.
Privacy Statement and Conditions of Access |
Required Reading
February 10, 2009
This was originally an article for Amped Asia that they posted on their website almost a month ago. I’ve just been too busy to cross-post it here until now.
The Reading List
Since the explosion of media coverage following the 2005 release of Neil Strauss’s New York Times bestseller, The Game, as well as the VH1 reality show starring pickup artists Mystery and Matador, which has just finished its second season, the secret society of pickup artists has been thoroughly exposed and forced into the mainstream in America.
Yet even with the plethora of resources the secret society produces–ebooks, paperbacks, audio courses, DVD series, television shows–I find it utterly astounding that some adult American males still don’t know how to go about answering such simple questions as, “Should I pay for dinner?” or “Should I be her friend first?”
I guess this is a good thing for those who have already taken advantage of the secret society’s knowledge. Less competition.
But, c’mon! If you haven’t yet given the resources of the attraction community a fair reading, do yourself a favor, and go check them out before you waste your time reinventing the wheel.
Perhaps the sheer amount of information available is too overwhelming. This I understand. Every month, another breakthrough product or 10-DVD series is being released. Who has that much time to go through everything?
Well, this is where one’s skills as a Ph.D. student, having learned to read a hundred books a month for one’s qualifying examinations, will certainly come in handy, LOL. But seriously, it’s amazing how many guys have supposedly read the same pages and paragraphs I have, yet have only garnered a small fraction of the rich knowledge contained therein. The erosion of critical reading and listening skills among the general population is disheartening, especially for a university professor.
I could recommend the excellent and free video resources available on the website of The Social Man, as well as their upcoming The Social Man Method. I could tout the latest Venusian Arts ebook, Revelation, as currently, the most comprehensive general resource on attraction science currently available. I could suggest the Infield Insider monthly subscription DVD series featuring hours of infield video footage and frame-by-frame analysis by Mehow and his guest pickup artist. Those are all outstanding resources among the hundreds out there.
Even though it is the best overall attraction arts e-book on the market at the moment, Revelation tops out at a very dense 322 pages. If a guy didn’t get through his first-year philosophy textbook, he probably won’t get through this one. If he doesn’t already have considerable field experience, he will likely be unable to appreciate the subtleties revealed in the footage in the Infield Insider, even after it’s broken down for him. A lot of it will go over his head. There is a reason most guys just “don’t get it”: They are blind to social dynamics, and until they train their instincts and develop their emotional and social intelligence, they will have a very hard time discerning what’s going on.
So instead of applying the mental discipline to go through such material, our hapless fellow turns to the vapid Doc Love columns of magazines and periodicals or the “pickup-lite” blogs dispensing feel-good dating advice.
Don’t despair. There are resources out there that are suitable for beginners and those who just want to get their feet wet.
A good starting point before turning to any of the more advanced resources is my Dating 101 audio course available on my website. It has a 100% no questions asked two-month refund policy, so you have absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain!
If you are an Asian man sick of people telling you that Asian men are unattractive or unsexy or whatever negative stereotype you’ve encountered, then sign up for my mailing list, and be among the first to get access to the upcoming The Power of Being Asian, which will be the best resource for Asian men in harnessing their Asian identity to become powerfully attractive to women of all races and cultures. Instead of seeing your Asian identity and all its associated negative connotations as holding you back, and instead of making race and ethnicity disappear as important factors, you will learn how to make these stereotypes work for you and give you an edge over the majority non-Asian race or ethnicity. You can sign up at the top right corner of my website.
Perhaps it is gauche to recommend one’s own work, so I’ll stop there.
For those who want an even broader, more general introduction to the social arts, then look into the foundational books that formed the inspiration for almost all the advancements in the attraction arts community for the past ten years.
The Top Ten
First Category: Required Reading
1. The first book in this category is Dale Carnegie’s classic, How to Win Friends and Influence People. This was originally published in 1937. Almost every social skills book afterwards is a derivative of some sort. The guys in the seduction community who don’t see the value of this book are usually the really creepy ones with major psychological problems. No, I don’t mean you.
The insights contained in this book are so foundational that if you can’t apply these, you have no business looking into the headier stuff. For instance, Carnegie’s principle, “You Can’t Win an Argument,” was huge for me, an aspiring philosopher. I still to this day have lawyer and engineer clients who start intellectual debates with women and me, even in bars. They don’t realize how important it is to give up their egoistic need to be right or to have everyone know that they are right. It’s far more attractive to be unreactive, internally referenced, and completely confident in your own judgment, even if the majority disagrees with you.
Carnegie’s frequent admonition to “Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise,” is what drives Qualification as an attraction technique. His humorous, “Give a Dog a Good Name,” explains much of the effectiveness of Intention Mapping. Many of his other principles illustrate “Alpha Nice” strategies.
If you want to learn social circle game and entourage game, the teachings in this book are necessary to master. You will need to learn how to befriend not just random hot girls, but more importantly, alpha males, high status people, and well-connected men and women. And if you can’t even apply Carnegie’s principles, you have no business running more advanced game.
A good supplement to Carnegie, which avoids the archaic prose and endless examples, is Leil Lowndes’s How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships. While Lowndes’s tips are fantastic, they are a little parochial and will go out of date and lose their effectiveness if they haven’t already. That’s what separates classics that stand the test of time like Carnegie’s.
Another very good book that I recently discovered is David Lieberman’s Get Anyone To Do Anything. Only the first section of the book is specifically about romantic relationships, but just about all of Lieberman’s strategies can be applied to male-female interactions.
2. This is probably a big surprise to newbies, but it’s no secret to the insider circle that Napoleon Hill’s Think and Grow Rich is a favorite among the top social artists and inspired a lot of its breakthroughs in inner game. Like Carnegie’s, this is another 1937 classic that has stood the test of time. His chapters on sex transmutation and auto-suggestion are must-reads for any man aspiring to mastery in a specialized field. My own program of affirmations and visualizations were first inspired by Hill’s recommendations. I still get a lot of inquiries about what I do for affirmations and visualizations. Do yourself a favor. Get this little book. Read it several times, a chapter a day until the lessons really sink in. Oh yeah, and you might get rich too!
3. For all the attention that Strauss’s The Game has brought to the community, his first book on the secret society is best taken as an entertaining read, NOT as a manual or blueprint for getting better with girls.
His more recent Rules of the Game, however, is a good how-to guide and presents a well-balanced perspective on attraction, with a proper amount of attention paid to lifestyle and identity. Out of all the attraction manuals you would find in your local bookstore, this is by far your best bet.
And it’s a good introduction to the most popular style of social arts and perhaps the method best suited to absolute beginners: Indirect game using scripted routines.
4. The most thorough step-by-step guide to the seductive arts is still Robert Greene’s The Art of Seduction. Perhaps it’s biggest fault is that it is too thorough. Most lair guys don’t have the patience, motivation, or critical reading facility to get through the whole thing.
Greene draws on a lot of historical case studies, which I consider a real strength. If there is anything to the insights of the attraction community, then they should be found among the writings of exemplars in times past.
His character portraits are the most valuable part of the book. The true masters have thought long and hard about the different styles of social artistry, and many of them track the character types Greene lays out. It’s helped guide my own decisions about which attraction community teachings to adopt and which to lay aside.
His detailed description of the seductive process is skewed to indirect methods, but he also takes into account the strengths of the direct approach. The process he lays out is a meticulous breakdown of the steps in a typical seduction.
As with all the books in this must-read section, this book should be slowly absorbed and frequently re-read. A chapter or two a day is ideal.
5. This fifth book is my new Bible. I’ve been reading at least a chapter a day for over a year. Well, okay, I’ve lapsed recently, but I’m getting back to it. I credit this book for the most profound changes in my mindset toward my career, relationships, and my life as a whole. It’s given me the courage to make the hardest decisions I’ve ever faced.
David Deida’s The Way of the Superior Man is one of those books that will probably go over the heads of most guys starting out. But once you get to an intermediate level, this must-read will become the single most important book you could own. It holds the keys to real mastery. Incidentally, understanding of the teachings in this book can also be used to gauge a man’s current level of development.
Second Category: Highly Recommended
1. As a scientific account of what’s behind social dynamics and why some people are more attuned to social dynamics, this is likely the most accessible book available. Daniel Goleman’s Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships shows how advances in neuroscience, psychology, and various other fields have already unearthed a lot of the reasons for why community material actually works. Unlike the community ebooks, Goleman does not depend on facile appeals to evolutionary accounts. He doesn’t have to. Goleman’s classic Emotional Intelligence is also quite good, though not as directly applicable to social dynamics as his more recent work.
2. Cited repeatedly in Mystery’s Venusian Arts Handbook back in 2004, Robert Cialdini’s Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion has spawned a whole industry. This has become a classic in the attraction community. Cialdini is currently a Distinguished Graduate Research Professor at Arizona State University.
The six principles he elucidates in his book are all major concepts in the social arts: Reciprocation, Commitment and Consistency, Social Proof, Liking, Authority, and Scarcity. His book not only helped advance thinking in social dynamics, it also changed the way I saw myself, my relationships, my career, and my research in such fields as philosophy and religious studies.
In the realm of social psychology, neuroscience, and especially behavioral economics, there has been a veritable explosion of paradigm-changing research published over the last several years. Very accessible introductions to this work can be found in the work of Dan Ariely, the James B. Duke Professor of Psychology and Behavioral Economics at Duke University, cross-appointed to the Business School, Center for Cognitive Neuroscience, Department of Economics, and School of Medicine. See his fascinating Predictably Irrational and The Upside of Irrationality.
3. Like Cialdini, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (pronounced like “chick sent me high”) is another renowned professor who has turned his research into an entire industry. His Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience explains what is behind the whole “being in state” teaching. I read about his work in a philosophy class before encountering it in some of David DeAngelo’s DVD products.
This will help you understand why “being in state” is so powerful and the prime driver behind natural game, which has recently become such a contested term in the community, with Real Social Dynamics, PUA Training, Charisma Arts, and just about everyone else trying to lay claim to it, bereaving it of any significant meaning. Most have lost sight of the fact that Vin DiCarlo and Sebastian Drake were the first to come out with “natural game.” Csikszentmihalyi does a better job of explaining “being in state” than does neuro-linguistic programming.
But more importantly, Flow will explain how the experts achieve flow on a consistent basis, as well as the personality types of those most prone to flow experiences. He also draws on literature and data from a wide variety of cultures, periods, and societies, including Daoist and Buddhist teachings.
Interestingly, his son is a well-established scholar of early Chinese philosophy.
If you can maximize your flow experiences, you will be a happier, more successful, and more fulfilled human being. What better reason do you need to pick this up? On the subject of happiness and what it takes to get it, the relatively new field of positive psychology pioneered by professors at Penn, Harvard, and elsewhere, has a lot of great things to say, and the best introduction to this field is Jonathan Haidt’s The Happiness Hypothesis
4. This list would be incomplete without some mention of neuro-linguistic programming (NLP). The best general introduction I’ve found is Introducing NLP: Psychological Skills for Understanding and Influencing People by Joseph O’Connor and John Seymour. The writing can be dry and pedantic in places, but the knowledge is invaluable. If you’re interested in NLP, save up a couple thousand dollars and take a course in it.
I prefer the more accessible NLP of Anthony Robbins. His Ultimate Power: The New Science of Personal Achievement helped take my inner game to the next level. You might also want to check out his Awaken the Giant Within, which covers the same material but in a different format.
5. And finally, I would be remiss if I left out some literature on evolutionary accounts of sex and relationships. Most attraction community ebooks appeal to this exclusively for their academic understanding of social dynamics. I find this one-sidedness disappointing. As bemoaned by many academics, evolutionary accounts are too ad hoc. You can pretty much come up with an evolutionary explanation for almost any perspective on social phenomena. Despite this, it is good to know the research. The best book on this subject is The Red Queen: Sex and the Evolution of Human Nature by Matt Ridley. Robin Baker’s Sperm Wars: Infidelity, Sexual Conflict and Other Bedroom Battles is also quite good. For treatments that are more academic, see David Buss’s The Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating, as well as the classic The Selfish Gene by Richard Dawkins. Both are rigorous academically but also quite readable.
So there you have it. The Top Ten books that will change your life. I recommend you go through them in the order I’ve laid out. The first five deserve slow and steady study, as well as repeated readings.
Play on, The Asian Rake.
How to be More than “Just Friends”
February 9, 2009
This is fairly basic stuff here, but it was a bit of a challenge packaging it in a tight space and wording it in a mainstream manner. I should credit David D. and Zan here.
| The Electric New Paper : | |
| Dr Date | |
| Get yourself seen as The Lover or lose her | |
| MANY of the e-mails I get are variations on the same question: How can I go from being ‘just friends’ to being a boyfriend? | |
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| 09 February 2009 | |
| MANY of the e-mails I get are variations on the same question: How can I go from being ‘just friends’ to being a boyfriend?
Attraction is not a choice. You can create the conditions that are conducive to generating the feeling of attraction, but you cannot command the emotion to just appear out of nowhere. You can persuade someone to date you, to kiss you, even to engage in intimate physical relations with you. But you cannot coerce love. A better paraphrasing of the question is: ‘How can I attract a girl who likes me as a friend and has known me for a long time?’ There are two factors that set this situation apart from standard dating scenarios: (1) The Friend Zone and (2) Time. Regarding the first factor, when a girl first meets a guy, within the first few minutes, she automatically puts him into one of five categories. At the bottom is the Creepy Guy. She wants to get as far away from this guy as possible. He’s creepy. Next is the Normal Guy. She feels neutral about him. After that is The Friend. She is not romantically attracted to this guy, but she enjoys hanging out with him. The second from the top is the Guy with Long-term Potential. She is romantically attracted to this guy. She would seriously consider settling down with him. If she is smart about it, she’ll withhold physical intimacy from him as long as possible. At the top is The Lover. She wants this guy… now. Because attraction is not a choice, she cannot help feeling these intense emotions for him. But she can choose how to act on her feelings. Moving down this scale, that is, going from The Lover to the Creepy Guy is relatively easy and rapid. Moving up the scale is very difficult and slow. For example, once a girl puts a guy into The Friend Zone, it’s hard for him to move up to The Lover category. The lesson to take away from this is that if you want to stay out of The Friend Zone, aim to come across as Long-term Potential or as The Lover as early as possible - even within the first few minutes. You can do this through your words, body language, eye contact and tonality. If you want to know how this is done check out my website. Regarding the second factor of Time working against you, read my answer to the reader below. Dear Dr. Date, I like this girl at school. We have been friends for many years. I told her last week that I like her, but she said, ‘Let’s just be friends.’ Is there anything I can do to make her my girlfriend? Sincerely, Desperate Dennis Dear Dennis, Ah, the dreaded ‘Let’s Just Be Friends’ speech. Or, as it is known in my profession, you got LJBF-ed. Before you read this, first read my other column (above). It discusses the two factors that differentiate your case and explains the principles behind the first factor. You are in The Friend Zone. That’s the first factor. But even worse, you have been in The Friend Zone for a very long time. Time is working against you right now. You have to make time work for you. The longer a guy spends in a category, the more deeply entrenched in it he will be and the harder it will be to dig himself out. Once a guy has been in The Friend Zone for over 20hours of interaction time, his chances of getting out of it shrink exponentially. He must take more drastic measures. His best bet is to minimise social contact with her for a minimum of one month up to a period that is half as long as the time they have been friends. During this time, he should develop his attraction skills, raise his social and emotional intelligence, expand his social circle, improve himself physically, and in general, make himself a much more attractive person and learn to convey that attractiveness effectively. When he re-enters her life, she will be forced to confront a brand new guy - a more powerfully attractive man, a man she cannot dismissively drop into The Friend Zone. Don’t worry that she will meet a new boyfriend during your absence. Your current presence as ‘just a friend’ won’t deter her from dating guys she likes romantically anyway. There are other options, including the Hollywood fairy tale of two friends becoming lovers over time, but the Absence Method is by far the most effective route. Have problems finding love? Make a date with Dr Date. He’ll go over the finer points of courtship in his weekly column in TheNew Paper on Sunday. E-mail your questions to tnp@sph.com.sg |
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Copyright © 2005 Singapore Press Holdings Ltd. Co. Regn. No. 198402868E. All rights reserved.
Privacy Statement and Conditions of Access |
How to Get Over an Ex
February 1, 2009
In this one, I again credit Neil Strauss and Fenn & Schneider.
The reply to the woman about the break-up applies equally well to men.
Play on, The Asian Rake.
| The Electric New Paper : | |
| Dr Date | |
| To sound confident, make a statement | |
| WHEN women are asked what they look for in men, one of the most commonly cited traits is confidence. How can a girl tell you’re confident? Not mainly through your words, but through your body language and tonality. | |
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| 02 February 2009 | |
| WHEN women are asked what they look for in men, one of the most commonly cited traits is confidence. How can a girl tell you’re confident? Not mainly through your words, but through your body language and tonality.
We’re going to wrap up our series on vocal tonality with this third tip. We’ve already looked at the importance of vocal volume and projection, as well as slow and smooth speech. This third component will help you sound more confident. One of the most prevalent mistakes men make in tonality is to end their sentences on a higher pitch than where they started. This makes them sound diffident and unsure of themselves. Statements should sound like statements, not questions. End statements on a descending pitch. Look for opportunities to rephrase questions as statements. Train your mind to do this. ‘We’re having steamboat for dinner, and I’d love for you to join us!’ is much better than, ‘Would you like to join us for a steamboat dinner?’ The former makes you sound more confident. For more advanced social artists, get in the habit of ending your questions on a descending pitch. This takes a little practice but is highly effective. Where before you might have said, ‘Can I sit right there?’ with a rising pitch at the end, now say instead, ‘Can I sit right there.’ Saying it like a sentence with a descending and decisive pitch at the end makes you sound much more powerful. Speak firmly. Show conviction. Believe in yourself. Learn more about dating expert Dr Date at his website: www.powerofbeingasian.com. Dear Dr Date, I was dating a guy for five months, and I thought we were happy. But a couple of months ago, his ex-girlfriend came back to Singapore. I don’t think he was ever really over her. A few weeks ago, he left me and went back to her. What can I do to get him back? Yours, Sad Sarah Dear Sarah, Your best chance of winning him back is to get yourself to the point where you are happy in your life without him. That is when he will come back, if he does at all. Assuming you weren’t doing anything terribly wrong in the relationship, you should really make your best effort to forget about him and improve your life overall. This is a tough pill to swallow. But the truth often is. Life is not always fair. Your natural reaction might be to rush back to him in tears, beg him to take you back, hoping that he will see how hurt you are, take pity on you, and sweep you up in his arms. You might feel like sleeping a lot, eating a lot, crying a lot, watching sappy romance movies, and listening to sad love songs. Allow yourself to wallow in self-pity for three days. Then accept that it’s over and get on with your life. What you should really do to get over a guy is to wear your best dress, doll yourself up with great make-up, and go to the very next party or singles’ event. Tell your friends you’re open to being set up for blind dates. Be social. How did you get into this sad situation in the first place? You were seeing him exclusively before he was seriously considering marriage. The general rule of thumb is that it’s best not to be exclusively seeing a guy unless he’s serious about marrying you. Otherwise, you will never know if he is just seeing you until a better girl comes along. Until that ring is on your finger, you should still be meeting new men and open to going on dates with them. If you had been doing that, you would now have more options. Nothing cushions the blow of a break-up better than the adoring attention of other men. What you want to recover is that abundance mentality. He is not the last man on earth. Believe that there are many other great men out there for you to discover. |
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Copyright © 2005 Singapore Press Holdings Ltd. Co. Regn. No. 198402868E. All rights reserved.
Privacy Statement and Conditions of Access |
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