Girls, Don’t Leave Your Stuff at His Place

Many people tend to speak too fast in social situations, mainly because they are nervous and care too much about what other people think of them. This fast speech makes them seem not only nervous, but also lacking in confidence, and creates the impression that what they have to say is unimportant.

Slowly does it

A smooth and slow tonality is not only seductive; it also commands authority.

To develop this, it is best to use a recorder or computer microphone. Sit up straight, take a deep breath, and repeat the following:

‘From this moment onwards, I will speak slower and smoother and try not to cram too many words into one breath just because I have lots of ideas in my head and want to get them all out and am afraid that if I speak too slowly with lots of pauses, people may lose their attention when really, it is best to speak slowly and smoothly.’

Now listen to the recording of yourself. Very likely, enunciating a run-on sentence like this one caused you to mumble and speak very quickly for fear of losing your breath.

Repeat the run-on sentence, but this time, ensure that you pronounce every consonant clearly, take painfully long pauses every few words, make your pace exaggeratedly slow, and take deep breaths between phrases.

Begin to speed up your pace while maintaining clear enunciation and pausing between phrases.

Continue to practise this exercise. The tempo should be slow and the timbre smooth.

Even after you’ve practiced this tonality on your own, once you get back into social situations, your speech will probably speed up again. So be sure to monitor your tonality constantly until it becomes second nature, which could take a few months.

Just like with any new skill, it will take some getting used to. You may think that you are boring people, but you aren’t. Keep at it. The social pay-off is huge.

Learn more about dating expert Dr Date at his website: www.powerofbeingasian.com

My boyfriend and I are considering moving in together. We’ve been dating for over a year, and we’re both in our late twenties. My parents say not to do it. But I’d like to save money, and we already spend so much time together. What should I do?

Yours, Grateful Geraldine

Dear Geraldine,

Even though societies all over the world have become more liberal and accepting of non-traditional living arrangements, it is still in the best interest of the girl to exercise extra caution when considering whether to move in with her boyfriend.

The only good reason for her to move in with the boyfriend is if they’re planning the wedding and want to save some money. My general rule of thumb for whether a girl should move in with a guy is to move in only if you’ve already set a wedding date.

I can’t tell from your letter whether you’re engaged yet. I’ll assume you’re not.

Regardless of popular opinion, living together should not be a trial period to find out whether he loves you or not. If he doesn’t already love you, cooking him breakfast and playing house won’t change a thing.

In fact, at this stage, often the best way to get him to fall in love with you is to stop seeing him at all. If you’ve already been together for several months, and you still don’t know whether he loves you, you may have to leave him if he can’t commit.

If he really loves you, he’ll beg you to come back. If he doesn’t, then you’ve actually saved yourself time and further anguish. And now you are free to look for someone else.

Notice that the earlier rule of thumb regarding frequency of contact, which is that you shouldn’t see him more than once a week for the first month and no more than four times a week until you are engaged, prevents you from ever living together, whether on purpose or by accident.

Moreover, you should not even be leaving your personal things at his apartment. Don’t mark your territory by leaving your toothbrush or bathrobe there. If anything, he should be begging you to leave your things there and setting aside shelf space. This impetus should come from you. Men resent invasion of their private space.

You are independent. You are not a freeloader.

Is there ever an exception to the rule that you shouldn’t live together until you are engaged? Yes, but only when he desperately wants you to and begs you to move in. Even then, however, proceed with extreme caution.

Have problems finding love? Make a date with Dr Date. He’ll go over the finer points of courtship in his weekly column in The New Paper on Sunday.

E-mail your questions to tnp@sph.com.sg