Many people tend to speak too fast in social situations, mainly because they are nervous and care too much about what other people think of them. This fast speech makes them seem not only nervous, but also lacking in confidence, and creates the impression that what they have to say is unimportant.

Slowly does it

A smooth and slow tonality is not only seductive; it also commands authority.

To develop this, it is best to use a recorder or computer microphone. Sit up straight, take a deep breath, and repeat the following:

‘From this moment onwards, I will speak slower and smoother and try not to cram too many words into one breath just because I have lots of ideas in my head and want to get them all out and am afraid that if I speak too slowly with lots of pauses, people may lose their attention when really, it is best to speak slowly and smoothly.’

Now listen to the recording of yourself. Very likely, enunciating a run-on sentence like this one caused you to mumble and speak very quickly for fear of losing your breath.

Repeat the run-on sentence, but this time, ensure that you pronounce every consonant clearly, take painfully long pauses every few words, make your pace exaggeratedly slow, and take deep breaths between phrases.

Begin to speed up your pace while maintaining clear enunciation and pausing between phrases.

Continue to practise this exercise. The tempo should be slow and the timbre smooth.

Even after you’ve practiced this tonality on your own, once you get back into social situations, your speech will probably speed up again. So be sure to monitor your tonality constantly until it becomes second nature, which could take a few months.

Just like with any new skill, it will take some getting used to. You may think that you are boring people, but you aren’t. Keep at it. The social pay-off is huge.

Learn more about dating expert Dr Date at his website: www.powerofbeingasian.com

My boyfriend and I are considering moving in together. We’ve been dating for over a year, and we’re both in our late twenties. My parents say not to do it. But I’d like to save money, and we already spend so much time together. What should I do?

Yours, Grateful Geraldine

Dear Geraldine,

Even though societies all over the world have become more liberal and accepting of non-traditional living arrangements, it is still in the best interest of the girl to exercise extra caution when considering whether to move in with her boyfriend.

The only good reason for her to move in with the boyfriend is if they’re planning the wedding and want to save some money. My general rule of thumb for whether a girl should move in with a guy is to move in only if you’ve already set a wedding date.

I can’t tell from your letter whether you’re engaged yet. I’ll assume you’re not.

Regardless of popular opinion, living together should not be a trial period to find out whether he loves you or not. If he doesn’t already love you, cooking him breakfast and playing house won’t change a thing.

In fact, at this stage, often the best way to get him to fall in love with you is to stop seeing him at all. If you’ve already been together for several months, and you still don’t know whether he loves you, you may have to leave him if he can’t commit.

If he really loves you, he’ll beg you to come back. If he doesn’t, then you’ve actually saved yourself time and further anguish. And now you are free to look for someone else.

Notice that the earlier rule of thumb regarding frequency of contact, which is that you shouldn’t see him more than once a week for the first month and no more than four times a week until you are engaged, prevents you from ever living together, whether on purpose or by accident.

Moreover, you should not even be leaving your personal things at his apartment. Don’t mark your territory by leaving your toothbrush or bathrobe there. If anything, he should be begging you to leave your things there and setting aside shelf space. This impetus should come from you. Men resent invasion of their private space.

You are independent. You are not a freeloader.

Is there ever an exception to the rule that you shouldn’t live together until you are engaged? Yes, but only when he desperately wants you to and begs you to move in. Even then, however, proceed with extreme caution.

Have problems finding love? Make a date with Dr Date. He’ll go over the finer points of courtship in his weekly column in The New Paper on Sunday.

E-mail your questions to tnp@sph.com.sg

He had to lean in and try repeatedly, and people became frustrated.

I saw some of them shake their heads and walk away, not because a stranger had approached them to ask an innocent question, but because they simply couldn’t hear what he was saying. His vocal tonality was like a social repellent.

In many ways, your voice conveys your identity. Its tonality can tell people about the kind of person you are, how you feel about yourself, and what you believe in.

In my previous columns, which you can find archived on my website, I have examined some of the body language and mindset. Now it’s time to turn to tonality

Recall the landmark study at UCLA that discovered 93 per cent of likeability is attributable not to what you say, but how you say it. Body language accounted for 55 per cent, verbal content for just 7 per cent, and vocal tonality 38 per cent.

Breathe

The foundation of all good tonality is proper breathing. One of the best aids to proper breathing is proper posture.

Keep your back straight back. Your shoulders should be broad, your head up and chin slightly above parallel, and your hips forward the way they would be if you were on tiptoes. And smile.

When your upper body is straight, you will be better able to breathe from your diaphragm - the sheet of muscle beneath your rib cage. Your stomach, not your upper chest, should rise and fall with each inhalation and exhalation.

Breathing from your diaphragm rather than your upper chest will more effectively fill your lungs with air, giving full power to your words.

This is the kind of breathing employed by, among others, professional wind players, opera singers, and stage actors.

One of the biggest problems with tonality is a voice that is too soft or quiet. Practice projecting your voice in a high arc extending a few feet beyond your listener.

Don’t strain your throat. The extra power should come from your diaphragm.

If you are projecting properly, your voice should sound louder in your head than you are used to.

Don’t worry about talking too loudly. Chances are good that your friends will start complimenting you on how clearly you’ve started speaking.

Learn more about dating expert Dr Date at his website: www.powerofbeingasian.com

Dear Donna,

Unless you relish the dominant role, which you clearly do not, you should encourage your boyfriend to step up and assume more leadership.

If he would rather submit to your leadership, then perhaps your personalities clash. And if it is that important to you, I recommend you find a more dominant guy.

Generally, it is much better for the women to be mysterious and let the man open up first. He should be the first to declare his love, just as he should suggest most of the movies, the restaurants, and the concerts you two go to. He should be open to your preferences, but also take the lead and have a mind of his own.

He will cherish you much more if you hold back and let him take the lead. Plus, with a leading man, you’ll be a happier gal!

He attacked the idea that a man could be taught how to be better with women. He admitted that there were men who were especially gifted at attracting women.

But he contended that guys who are good with girls tend to simply manipulate and take advantage of them.

My female friend, however, said something very interesting.

She replied that his claim was insulting to her and the women of Singapore.

She said he talked as if Singaporean women were easily deceived or tricked, and that he assumed that they were also stupid enough to be duped by some smooth talker.

I must concur with her.

After interacting with hundreds of charming Singaporean women, I must say that they are some of the most clever, cosmopolitan, and emotionally intelligent women in the world.

There is no way that some random playboy would be able to ‘manipulate’ or ‘take advantage of’ them unless they allowed him to.

Sure, some players lie just to get girls in bed.

But I know for a fact that the girls in this city are sophisticated enough to know the score and handle themselves. They know what they are getting themselves into, even though sometimes they don’t want to admit it.

They’ve seen how bad the world can be, either in TV, movies, or other pop media from the East and the West. They’ve frequented the rough and wild world of the nightlife scene since they turned 18, something they wouldn’t be able to do in America.

Don’t use kid gloves to deal with adults. Indeed, those who treat girls as grown-ups are that much more attractive to women.

Women have a mind of their own. On the whole, they are much more socially intelligent than men.

Give the girls more credit.

She couldn’t talk about anything else.

It was cute and endearing, but also very sad.

I predicted that her date would be a bit of a disaster. She would come off needy, empty and reeking of desperation.

And that would stifle her date’s interest and even scare him away.

Unfortunately, my prediction came true.

Do yourself a favour. Keep yourself as busy as possible leading up to a date.

You want to take your mind off your date as much as possible.

Don’t think about how he or she could be ‘The One’.

Don’t mention your date to your mother, grandmother or anyone who absolutely can’t wait to see you hitched. Don’t ruminate about your date with your friends.

If you can’t fill your time with work, then follow these suggestions.

Go to the gym. Read a good book. Spend an afternoon at the beach. Treat yourself to a manicure or massage. Soak in the jacuzzi or spa. Take a nap.

Go for a cocktail with your girls or a beer with your buddies. Throw yourself into your hobbies and passions.

Paradoxically, the secret to a successful first date is to have better things to do.

Learn more about dating expert

Dr Date at his website: www.powerofbeingasian.com

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a month, and we see each other almost every day. My girlfriends complain that I see him too often too early in the relationship. Do you think they could be right?

Yours, Wondering Winnie.

Dear Winnie,

Without more information about your relationship, it is hard to say. It really depends on your dating goals.

If you are looking for a fun fling, it’s perfectly all right to have your passionate affair in the short term.

But if you want to develop a committed, long-term relationship, I would side with your friends. You would be best served following my general rule of thumb.

Don’t date him more than once a week, at least for the first month.

Most men fall in love faster than most women. This is a little secret among dating experts. Most men also fall out of love faster than most women.

At the start, if you play your cards right, the man will want to meet you two or three times a week. Some may even want to see you every day.

If you give in and see them every time, eventually they will begin to feel restless and irritable, and they will begin to take you for granted and slowly stop cherishing you. This is just the nature of men.

To keep him from getting too much too soon, you must pace the relationship. Don’t expect the man to do it.

Let him think you have other plans, that he is not the only romantic option or interest in your life.

I know it’s hard for you to say ‘No’ when he asks you out again after a passionate kiss, and you are intoxicated by the smell of his scent on your neck. But you simply must summon your sweetest voice and say, ‘I’m sorry, I already have plans.’

Of course, do not give him any details about your plans, and do not include him in them.

The next step

This once-a-month structure is not forever. In the second month, you can see him twice a week, in the third month, three times a week, and in the fourth month, up to four times a week. But never see him more than four times a week until you’re engaged.

A man who is in love with you won’t be put off by your busy schedule in the beginning.

If you fall for his lines and see him every day, he might take you out a few times and be physically intimate with you, but then he may never call again, or worse, he may continue to see you, but his interest will fade. Watching someone fall out of love with you is really awful and painful.

If you see him no more than once a week, then you will force him to get to know you and really fall in love.