Invariably, my male clients start telling me the girl’s measurements, hair colour and height. They can describe in intimate detail her physical appearance.

But ask him about the non-physical characteristics of his ideal girl, and he is stumped.

Most men have never thought about their standards regarding their partner’s personality and character.

Guys, have some standards.

Right now, think of at least five personality traits in a romantic partner that are important to you.

Write them down. The more specific you can be, the better.

Here are some general examples.

Maybe you want a girl who is open-minded, spontaneous, adventurous, independent and sophisticated.

Or perhaps you are looking for someone who is caring, affectionate, and responsible.

Personally, I like a girl who enjoys travelling off the tourist track and immersing herself in new cultures, who appreciates the arts and has some artistic talent, and who is passionate about life and is a positive and optimistic person overall.

These are just examples. You should come up with your own list.

Take a few minutes to think, and do it right now.

Then, next time you are having a conversation with an attractive woman, remember that you have standards and subtly screen for these traits.

Next week, I will cover how to screen adroitly. For now, the first step is actually having standards.

I still clearly remember one of the first few ones I attended.

It was a banquet in a grand setting: the glass-enclosed courtyard of a major art gallery.

At the formal dinner, I was seated next to a charming and elegant older woman.

After the start of our conversation, I asked her: ‘So what do you do?’

My question was met with an awkward smile and the nervous looks of others around the table.

She graciously changed the subject, but eventually, several minutes later, she revealed that she was helping her husband with his business and their philanthropic activities.

After the event, my mentor educated me: ‘It may be fine to ask your fellow students what their majors are. But among adults, it is rude to ask people what they do. There are better ways at getting to this information, if necessary.’

Personally, I enjoy talking about my work.

But many people don’t. Maybe your conversation partner is a stay-at-home dad, or she works at the local morgue.

Perhaps he has a hand in several different businesses and no single job title. Maybe she was just retrenched. Or perhaps he is a tax or garbage collector.

If you are irrepressibly curious about what someone does for a living, ask instead, ‘So how do you spend most of your day?’

This allows people to talk about their work if they like. But it also gives the leisured class or the down-and-out a gracious way of talking about their hobbies, interests, and the things they consider more significant.

Dear Dr Date,

I took your advice and complimented a few women on their outfits. They all smiled and thanked me. Now I want to compliment one really cute girl, but can’t think of what to say. Any tips?

Yours, Earnest Eddie.

Eddie,

Congratulations on having the courage to give good feelings to others!

So you see a cute girl, but your mind goes blank. You can start a chat by remarking on something about your environment or situation. Ask her views about a general topic. And then there’s my favourite opening line, ‘Hey!’

Don’t wait too long. The longer you ponder what to say, the harder it is as anxiety builds.

Be natural and honest: Say what’s on your mind and how you feel. You can even tell her you were thinking of what to say to her and just have to tell her how adorable she is in case you don’t see her again.

Remember to be willing to walk away. And smile.

Not only do they observe decorum and courtesy, they sincerely care about the feelings of others and want to spread around the good feelings.

Just think: On the day you wear your new shirt, the one you spent a lot of thought and effort picking out, that woman in the elevator appreciates how you coordinated the patterns on your shirt with your belt design.

The man behind the counter at the coffee shop compliments your sense of style and asks where you got your shirt.

And that fashionably-dressed person sitting next to you on the bus-ride home remarks on how flattering the shirt looks against your complexion.

Everybody enjoys receiving an honest compliment, and practically everybody develops warm feelings towards the person who gave it to them.

Wouldn’t the world be so much kinder, friendlier, and comforting when people are courageous and open enough to give out kind words of appreciation sincerely, freely, and without any agenda or ulterior motive?

A universally attractive trait for both men and women is simply being social.

Several psychological studies have shown that the more sociable among us will have more and closer friends, be happier, and attract people in a powerful way.

A key part of learning to be more social is mastering the art of giving genuine compliments to strangers.

After all, if you can strike up genuine conversations with total strangers in a positive manner, you’re way ahead of the game.

Here’s how to do it:

1. Observe

Work on your observation skills. Take an art appreciation class or a course on fashion design.

Learn to notice small details: the intricate designs on the hem of a skirt, the unique cuffs on dress shirts, the outlandish architectural features of cutting-edge buildings.

Train yourself to notice specific details about people and things.

2. Remark

Next time you notice something interesting about someone, tell that person. Make the compliment as specific as possible.

‘Gee, I like your tie’ won’t make anyone happy. Instead, try something like, ‘Hey, I couldn’t help noticing how well your bronze-coloured tie matches the bronze tint in your shoes. Nice look.’

If you feel like continuing the conversation, you can follow up with, ‘Did you pick them out yourself?’ If he did, you have another opportunity to give kindness. Compliment him on his sense of fashion.

3. Walk away

This is the key difference between how most people give compliments and how it ought to be done. When most men compliment a woman, for example, they are often trying to impress her or get her to like him.

Instead, you should have no agenda. Be ready to walk away right after you give the compliment. When you’re just starting to learn this, I recommend you do exactly that.

Give your compliment, smile, then walk away, knowing you’ve just made someone’s day. Don’t worry, that person will be back for more.

Your only two goals in giving out compliments are to make another person feel good and to express the positive feelings you’re carrying around inside you.

Give it a try. You can thank me later.

Dear Lily,

Humour is a funny thing. It’s hard to define what’s funny and what’s not.

I bet you’re more concerned about your relationship than about whether your husband is really funny. After all, I assume you married him even after you found out about his quirky sense of humour.

This is a perfect opportunity for you to have him love you even more.

You might think that in a comedy club, you are just another head in a sea of faces. You probably think that the comedian on stage has no idea who started the laughter.

My comedian friends tell me, though, that during a show, they know exactly who started the laughter, exactly how long it came after the punchline was delivered, and exactly how enthusiastically they laughed.

So it is with men, especially when the occasion is a small gathering of friends.

Be the first to laugh at his jokes. Be sincere, but simply laughing is often good enough.

Many a woman who had the first laugh at her man’s jokes also had the last as she waltzed with him down the wedding aisle.

Being stylishly dressed and fashionable conveys that you take care of yourself, and by extension, of your loved ones. The way you dress also communicates important qualities about you, such as your social class and whether you are adventurous, cultured or artistic.

Like it or not, people make snap judgments about your personality and character based on your sense of fashion. So here are four simple steps to make you look more stylish.

1. Request recommendations

Pick a store, go during off-peak hours, and ask a friendly looking saleswoman to help you. Tell her you want to change your style and ask her to put together a complete outfit for you. Tell her you’re going to a fashion show, art opening, trendy club, or whatever imaginary event best suits the new you.

If you dislike her choices, tell her why, and ask her for new recommendations. If she pushes you too hard to buy, then try another store.

Invest in quality. It’s far better to have one pair of really amazing and eye-catching jeans costing $500 than to have 10 pairs of average-looking $50 jeans.

Ask the saleswoman to recommend a good place to buy matching shoes. Take your new outfit to the shoe store, and ask the salespeople there to help you find sharp shoes to match.

2. Fit fashion

Ensure your clothes fit just right. Even more important than the style is the fit of your clothes. Whether you are fat or skinny, every guy looks better in fitted clothing. Go through your closet and get rid of anything that doesn’t fit perfectly.

3. Update your do

Upgrade your hairstyle. A lot of guys still go to the cheap corner barbershop even when they can afford a trendier cut at a professional salon. If you can’t afford to get a salon cut regularly, first get a consultation and cut by a senior stylist, and then go to a cheaper salon or a junior stylist for subsequent visits and have them copy the style. Look through music or men’s fashion magazines to find a haircut that represents your ideal you. Take the photo with you to the salon as a guide for the stylist.

4. Accessorise

Find photos of your favourite male celebrities, and flip through men’s fashion and music magazines. See what sort of accessories fit the style you want to have. Then go shopping for a necklace, rings, a bracelet, a wrist cuff, or any other tasteful ornament. Avoid anything that looks cheap or mass-produced. In your first purchases, err on the side of simplicity.

However, a little grooming can go a long way. It will convey the message that you take care of yourself and by extension, your loved ones.

Here is some advice on improving your look. I place them in order of ease.

1. Freshen your breath

Floss daily. Visit your dentist for a cleaning. If bad breath persists, consider getting a tongue scraper.

2. Remove excess body hair

Most Asian men think this doesn’t apply to them. They’re wrong. While they may have less hair on their back or neck, there is often overgrown hair in your nostrils, between your eyebrows and maybe even in your ears. Use a nose-hair trimmer or tweezers once a week. Get a good razor and use it regularly.

3. Put away your glasses

Few guys look their best in spectacles. If you are one of those rare men, then consider treating yourself to cool, designer frames. The majority of us should switch to contact lenses or get laser eye surgery.

4. Take care of your complexion

Go to a cosmetics counter and ask the beautician to recommend facial products for your skin type. Ask for free samples. If your problem is severe, see a dermatologist.

5. Eat healthier

Bulk up on fresh fruits, vegetables and lean meats and protein. If you are obese, consult a doctor or dietician for weight loss plans.

6. Join a gym

See a personal trainer for a fitness evaluation and a customised work-out plan. Make sure you include both cardiovascular and resistance training. Start boning up on health, fitness and diet.

There is some truth to this, and advanced social artists can make this work for them.

However, the vast majority of studies tell us that lovers are drawn to partners with similar attitudes, values, and interests.

So the more accurate cliche is, ‘Birds of a feather flock together’.

Now here’s one for you girls.

You probably already know that you get closer with your girlfriends through talking and sharing secrets and vulnerabilities.

But the studies show that men bond through common experiences and doing activities together.

Most women forget this crucial difference. When they suggest a first date with a guy, they think of a place where they can talk and get to know each other. This is bonding, but female-style.

Regular readers of this column will recall an earlier article in which I recommended as a low-pressure first date simply taking a girl to a chill lounge or hip cafe.

Notice that this sort of setting is more conducive to bonding with women. Male bonding, though, does NOT consist of sitting across a table looking deeply into each other’s eyes while discussing your feelings.

For girls trying to snare that dream guy, there’s a better way.

First find out what hobbies, interests, and activities he enjoys and then suggest that you do that together. He will think on a subconscious level, ‘This woman fits in with my lifestyle.’

Maybe you will be bored to tears at the football game, badminton match, or the auto race. But if that’s his passion and you want to become his passion too, it’s your best bet for a great first date.

You said that the secret to getting the girl isn’t in pick-up lines but in having a hot bod. Does that mean average looking guys like me will never get a beautiful girl?

Yours, Desperate Damien.

Damien,

I regret to say that the last headline, which I did not choose, was slightly misleading.

The point was that your BODY LANGUAGE was the most important external factor in making yourself attractive, not that you had to be in amazing physical shape or have a ‘hot bod’.

And I pointed out that the first step to attractive body language was strong posture.

But your question leads to an important topic. How important are your ‘looks’?

While a partner’s looks aren’t nearly as important to women - who are generally attracted more to a man’s personality reflected in his body language and tonality - as they are to men, your physical appearance can help a lot.

Just as you can learn what to say and do and develop confidence, you can also cultivate your outward image and your ‘looks’.

I’ve personally coached and witnessed the worst-case scenarios. Obese, balding, pimple-faced guys in Coke bottle glasses - who through the miracles of contact lenses, fitness training, shaving, dermatology, and men’s fashion - transformed into cool, attractive men exuding charm and confidence.

You took the first step last week when you started the habit of the Wall Stand.

The next step is to ask a trustworthy female friend, ‘If you had to change one thing about the way I groom myself, what would it be?’ Put aside your ego, stay open-minded, and listen carefully.

Next week, I’ll get into some detailed suggestions about how you can groom yourself to reflect a more attractive image.