Open Relationships

December 22, 2008

The new columns for The New Paper.

The Electric New Paper :
Dr Date
Do talk to strangers
I’VE been told that Singaporeans don’t like it when strangers start conversations with them. I’ve also heard that Singaporeans are uncomfortable with frequent stranger- to-stranger interaction.
By David Tian
22 December 2008

I’VE been told that Singaporeans don’t like it when strangers start conversations with them. I’ve also heard that Singaporeans are uncomfortable with frequent stranger- to-stranger interaction.

But this has not been my experience.

Recently, I was queueing at a local fast-food joint and sending an SMS on my handphone when a man behind me commented on how slim and fashionable my smartphone looked.

He said he was considering getting the same phone and wanted my opinion of it. This led to a brief but pleasant conversation.

Later that day, a pretty woman in a lift complimented me on my cowboy boots, which led to a friendly chat about where to get the best Hokkien mee at suppertime.

At the lounge in the evening, a nice middle-aged couple nearby asked my friend the name of his strangely coloured drink, which also led to an enjoyable exchange.

When I made eye contact with the couple next to us, they introduced themselves, we chatted and they had the waiter bring more glasses so that we could all share their bottles of wine.

In all these cases, I was the recipient of friendly approaches from perfect strangers. And that was just a single day.

Human beings are social creatures. As Harvard-educated psychologist Daniel Goleman wrote in his recent book, Social Intelligence, human beings are wired to connect.

Extensive research in neuroscience has shown that our brain’s very design makes us sociable.

People thrive on social connection. Those who can generate honest, positive interactions will be welcomed anywhere.

Even better, if your society really is cold and closed. Then you will stand out even more as an agent of positive change and a source of warm feelings.

Remember this the next time you’re hesitant about approaching a total stranger for a chat.

It’s really the natural thing to do.

Learn more about dating expert

Dr Date at his website: www.powerofbeingasian.com

Dear Dr Date,

I know my boyfriend is seeing other women. Whenever I confront him about it, he admits to it but says that he loves me and still wants to be with me.

I’ve thought a lot about it. I know he enjoys chasing girls. But I also know how he feels about me.

I’m not looking for a husband at this time. Truthfully, I don’t care who he dates as long as he keeps seeing me and as long as it doesn’t interfere with what we have. I don’t want him to talk about them around me, and he obeys me on that one.

But my friends think I’m insane. What should I do?

Yours, Questioning Queenie

Dear Queenie,

Your question shows a great deal of maturity and broad-mindedness. What you describe sounds like an open relationship. I wonder if your boyfriend would allow you to see other men. It’s something worth discussing with him. At least you will know where you both stand on that.

It is possible to thrive in an open relationship but it is very tricky. This is a decision you must make for yourself. You should be very aware of and clear about your personal boundaries, what you are willing to accept from him and yourself.

It sounds like you are already okay with the idea of an open relationship and are willing to give it a try.

You may be reassured in knowing that many others have had considerable success in maintaining open relationships. I have witnessed some of these personally.

I would not advocate a return to the time of King Solomon or the Chinese scholar-elite in imperial dynasties.

There is, though, something to be said for being honest with yourself about what you really want in a relationship at this time and to disregard society’s arbitrary social conventions and norms.

If he means enough to you that you can accept this aspect of him, then prepare yourself for one heck of a ride. There is always the possibility of jealousy rearing its ugly head.

If you decide that this is not for you, then end it abruptly and quickly.

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Posted by Asian Rake David | Filed Under Column in "The New Paper", Psychology 

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