Believability: The Key to Elite Game
March 31, 2008
For some strange reason, this article disappeared on the doctorasianrake.com site, so I’m reposting it here (note: original comments were not transferred).
Ask the Rake mailbag time!
Here’s an emailed question from David L.:
“Hey Rake,
I’ve loved your LRs! They’re so detailed, I’ve read them over and over and have learned a lot. In your later LRs, you talk about believability. You’ve been saying that you’d explain it in more detail. When? I’ve been waiting.”
Okay, David L., no prob. Here we finally go!
In my interview with Christian Hudson, which you can access here: http://www.thesocialman.com/asianrakeintv.mp3, I also mentioned a concept about which a lot of guys have inquired. There’s enough demand that I feel I owe it to you guys to get it out there.
Believability becomes the determining issue when you have your fundamentals down, that is, when your body language and tonality are solid and when you have a strong sense of your identity and your own value. For me, I don’t think much about “social value.” I try to live my life the way I want, going for the goals I feel are important to myself, and giving it my best. Value is relative (a subject of another upcoming post). So I don’t bother actively to “demonstrate higher value.” It’s not something I do. I just am. At this point, believability really becomes THE most important issue, in my experience. That’s why I call it the key to ELITE game.
I must acknowledge Sebastian Drake for early inspiration on this, as I build on his teaching of attainability that is part of his VAC theory. I’ve found that whenever I explain attainability to guys, I get a puzzled expression, like they’re thinking, “Uh, why on earth would she think she couldn’t attain ugly ol’ me?” Among other benefits, believability will address the misconceptions arising from the misleadingly coined “attainability.”
I’m building here on things I’ve learned not only from Sebastian Drake, but also from Christian Hudson, Wayne Elise (Juggler), and Mystery (edit: and Sinn).
Caveat: Believability is not necessary if all you are after is sex. Here’s a preview of my basic structure, which a lot of guys have asked about. It’s super simple. In fact, since I focus on internally-driven game, my mechanics deal only with the bare basics. It’s as simple as ABC.
A: Approach
B: Believability and/or Buying temperature
C: Close.
Ha, that’s it. Yep, as I said on the recent interview, I don’t think about techniques much at all anymore. After the approach, you can seduce a girl just by pumping her Buying Temperature. I wrote a LR in which I did just that and pulled the girl in under a half hour, and she was super cute. But those are the exceptions. Nine out of ten times, you’ll have to rely on believability rather than on pumping BT alone.
Believability gets at the issue of whether the girl feels she can believe your sincerity, that you really do mean what you say in your compliments and verbal rewards, and that your kino escalations make sense emotionally.
She does not need to believe that you want to have sex with her. Every hot girl will automatically think that she can attain sex from you. That’s not what’s in question.
What she craves to know is that you appreciate her for being more than just a sex object.
How do you achieve this? There are two kinds of content and two methods.
The two kinds of CONTENT:
1. Personality characteristics
2. Physical qualities
Note: You might think that #2 contradicts what I just said about appreciating her for being more than just another sex object. But what #2 gets at is that she is not JUST ANOTHER sexy girl. She must be the most sexy, beautiful, gorgeous, or whatever, girl you’ve seen all day, week, month, or ever. That is, she is not just another girl from whom you just want sex. If you tell her that you think she is so beautiful that you had to stop her and tell her so, then you had better be thinking to yourself that she really is so beautiful that you’d do something as bold as that (though you do this relatively often b/c the world has an abundance of beautiful women). This is of course applicable to direct game and aggressive sexual escalation (Ciaran’s “shock and awe”). Obviously, it is best and most effective when everything you are saying is TRUE. That’s Geniune Game.
The two METHODS:
a. Verbal believability
b. Physical believability
I’m going to go through the two kinds of content first and along the way, point out how you can use the two methods for each kind of content.
PERSONALITY CHARACTERISTICS
The most straightforward way of doing this is to use a two-step process. The first step is Screening, and the second step is Qualifying. Qualifying is used all over the community, but I learned it first from Sebastian Drake.
I like to say that S&Q is my bread and butter. S&Q is the only technique I am conscious of during an interaction.
Screening & Qualifying done properly:
-Shows that you genuinely have high standards.
-Allows her to earn your attention and affection for her non-physical qualities.
-Shows that you appreciate her for her special characteristics and for meeting your high standards.
First, you should have reflected on what you’re looking for in a woman. I know almost all of you know what kind of physical traits you want. The funny thing is, almost every time I ask a guy what he’s looking for in a woman, the first (and only) things he tells me are her physical traits—how tall she is, her bust, waist, and hip measurements, her hair color, yada yada. Dude, this is one of those reasons why you don’t have a girlfriend yet. Haha. Sure, I have a pretty good picture (several actually) of my ideal physical woman. But what we’re after here are her non-physical qualities. Otherwise, you’re just the next creepy guy.
Think of at least five non-physical traits and write them down. To give you an example, I’ll give you an abbreviated version of my current list.
The “bad” girl character traits I like (credit to Tengen for pointing out the ambiguity in the original wording):
Open-minded. Non-judgmental. Non-jealous. Non-possessive. A girl who “goes with her feelings.” Spontaneous. Adventurous in life. Sexually adventurous. Independent.
The “good” girl character traits I like:
Loyal. Mature. Cultured. Sophisticated. Caring. Affectionate. Responsible. Understanding.
I look for a girl who combines the “bad” and “good” girl character traits, the more the better! In addition, I’m also looking for the following more personalized qualities.
-Loves East Asian culture, especially its movies, art, music, history, fashion, and food (the last is a deal-breaker)!
-Loves to travel and experience new cultures
-Appreciates the arts and has some artistic talent (dance, drama, music, visual arts)
-Passionate about life and is a positive and optimistic person in general
-I’ll omit the rest; you get the idea.
These are just examples of what I screen for. You should come up with your own list. That means you’ll actually have to pause and reflect for a minute or two.
Take a moment to do it right now. Reflect and write down at least five non-physical traits you want in your ideal woman.
For you to pull this off properly, you should genuinely want these qualities in a woman. It’s really up to you how much you’re willing to compromise on any of them. For me, she would have to be insanely hot for me to compromise on any of the above. And even then, I would have to be looking just for a fling.
This is NOT merely a technique. This is a whole frame of mind. It includes what others have called a SCREENING FRAME. You should have this frame throughout the interaction, from the approach to the close and over the long-term.
In fact, this should be your frame in life, not just with women, but with everyone. You should be a man of high standards, who knows what he’s looking for in women, in friends, in a job, in colleagues, employees, etc.
Here’s the technique, with props to Sebastian Drake upon whose teachings I am building here.
STEP 1: SCREENING
A. Verbal
These can be in the form of either statements or questions. In general, statements are better and stronger than questions. Contextualize your statements and questions. Don’t just ask or say them out of the blue. For example, talk about a time when you or your friends were X before you ask her how X she is.
These should roll off your tongue as if they’re the sort of things you say or ask everybody you talk to.
You can do this as questions or as statements. Examples:
-“I like X.”
-“Being X is really important to me. It’s something I really like about so-and-so friend.”
-“All my friends are X. Hmm, you seem X. Am I right?”
-“You strike me as an X person. You’re X, aren’t you?”
-“I can tell you’re very X. But are you Y as well?”
-“Are you more X or Y? You’re not Y, right?”
-[After talking passionately about some travel-related topic,] I say, “So where do you like to travel?” (this is a positive presumption which implies that she does in fact travel; credit: Juggler)
-“You have that artistic air about you/You look artistic. What kind of art do you do?” (again, positive presumption; credit: Juggler)
-“All my friends are adventurous. It’s something I look for in new friends. What’s the most adventurous thing you’ve done recently?”
-“Uh, you don’t get jealous easily do you?”
B. Physical
You want her to put some work into her answers. You’re aiming for a 50-50 workload here. Actually, the more she talks, the better. After you make the statement or ask the question, pause and hold the tension (credit: Juggler on the Vacuum). Freeze your body language, and look at her expectantly. Lean back a little as if you are judging her and are a little skeptical that she will have a good answer. After all, you have high standards. Apply social pressure with your expectant silence. High-value people expect others to answer their questions and respond to their statements.
If she doesn’t give you anything after you pause, resist the urge to fill the silence with babbling. Look away or withdraw your body language slightly to let her know she’s losing you. Then slowly turn back to her if you want to give her another chance.
I usually give a girl three strikes before I move on. It’s up to you how much you’re willing to compromise on your standards. Remember, though, it’s much more powerful if your standards are genuine. I’ve had plenty of girls that I’ve nexted come find me later in the night because they were so impressed because I held to my standards and walked away.
If she gives you a great answer, which she should if you did this right, you should reward her, which brings us to step two.
STEP 2: QUALIFYING
A. Verbal
You now give her a verbal reward. I like to sprinkle in the word “friend” (credit: Sebastian Drake on the counter-intuitive use of “friends”).
“Wow, you really are X. I like that.”
“Mmm. You’re so X.”
“It’s really cool to hang out with such an X girl.”
“Wow, you’re so X. Cool.”
“You’re so X. I love it.”
“Okay, okay, you’re X. You can be my friend now.”
“I love having such an X friend.”
“You really are X. I’m glad we can be friends.”
“So you are X. You’re just like all my friends!”
“Man, you are X. It’s great to become friends with you.”
“Geez, you’re just like my friend Jennifer.”
“You remind me of a lot of my friends. You’re so X too!”
By rewarding her after she meets your screen, you are verbally escalating. Another way to put this is that you are escalating on her high points (credit: Juggler). If you stack enough of these screens followed by qualifications, pretty soon, the girl will be begging you to escalate big time kino.
If you feel that she isn’t taking the compliment well, you should release her from her discomfort by injecting a “backhand rejection” (credit: Mystery on bait-hook-reel-release). Here are the backhand rejections I use.
“But don’t get a big head, … or I’ll have to spank you… maybe I’ll do it anyway.”
“I knew this would happen. I’d compliment you. You’d get a big head. And then I’d regret it.” (credit: Johnny Savior)
“Too bad you’re not my type.”
“But you’re too cold/arrogant, etc.”
Back-turn.
B. Physical
Your verbal rewards and escalations should be accompanied by physical (kino) rewards and escalations. Start off small. Give her a friendly squeeze on the outside of her elbow or her outside thigh. Pull her in for a big hug. Look deeply into her eyes with a puppy dog “where have you been all my life?” look.
A lot of guys have written on kino escalation. One of the best descriptions of this is Vin DiCarlo’s Kino Escalation Ladder. You can find this for free online.
Basically here, you use S&Q as reasons for your kino escalation.
You screen her. She passes. You verbally reward her with qualifications while also physically rewarding her with kino escalation. It all makes sense to her rationally and emotionally. She’s earned your affections and now she gets to collect her rewards.
To give you a better idea of how this would work, here’s an excerpt. Notice how I hold off on my approval until she gives me something worth rewarding:
[A minute into the interaction, I say, it’s great to be back in town.]
Me: I just got back from backpacking through southwest China. We were in Sichuan and trying to get Tibet, but with all the rioting there, they wouldn’t let us in. Had a blast
, though… So where do you like to travel? [looking at her expectantly]
HB: Oh, I like southeast Asia.
Me: Cool. Which part?
(notice she gave me so little, so I only gave her a one-word answer)
HB: Uh… Thailand!
Me: Nice. So what do you like so much about Thailand?
(again, a one-word answer deserves a one-word reward. Expect more.)
HB: Oh, I don’t know.
[Me, holding the silence and tension while leaning back with a skeptical look.]
Me: Well, a lot of guys like Thailand for all the cheap sex. I’m assuming that’s not why you like it.
HB: Haha, no.
Me (smiling): ‘Cause if it was, that’s okay, too. I’m not judging.
HB: Haha, no.
[Me, looking at her expectantly.]
HB: Oh, … I loved the beaches. We spent the whole week on these beaches that were almost completely deserted. What a nice change from the crowded beaches in China.
(wow, this is a lot. So many possible threads to take here.)
Me: That’s awesome. My best friend was there last month, and she showed me all these awesome photos of them scuba-diving. It looked absolutely beautiful. What was the most adventurous thing you did while you were there?
HB: Uh, oh, yeah. We took a little boat out to explore the small islands off the coast. And then we went diving off the boat. We were swimming with the fish!
Me: Damn, you’re like adventure-girl! I like that you about you. Gimme the rock, HB!
[HB gives me the rock and smiles big-time]
Me: You’re really making me want to explore Thailand now. The closest I’ve been is Bali. You know Bali? [wait for the nod] The beaches there were divine, and the surf’s awesome! [HB nods vigorously]
HB: Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard!
Me: I went surfing for the first time there, and I totally wiped out, like over and over and over.
HB: Hey, me too! Well, I was in Thailand, but yeah, surfing’s a lot harder than it looks.
Me: Hey, if you like southeast Asia, you must have been to Singapore.
HB: No, not yet, but I really want to.
Me: Cool. I was just there a few weeks ago. Man, it’s like a food-lover’s paradise! I haven’t had so many different kinds of curries in one place before.
HB: Oh, I’ve heard. I love curry. That’s all we ate in Thailand.
Me: Thai curries are so diverse. Yellow curry, green curry, red curry, and they’re all sweet and spicy at the same time!
HB: I know, I love it!
Me: Wow, you’re an adventurous eater, too! That’s cool. Mmm, okay, you pass. [Pull her in for a big hug.] We can be friends now. [big smile]
This girl opened up after just a little bit of probing. It can get more complex depending on the type of girl. In the near future, I’ll write an article describing “Challenge Screening,” a slightly more advanced technique, which I’ve used to great effect on pretentious girls who often think they have higher social status, like models, actresses, rich girls, and the like.
NEW EDIT: Remember to transition from platonic qualifications to sexual ones later on. See my post on How to Project a Sexual Vibe for more on this.
PHYSICAL QUALITIES
In most cases, you will probably want to escalate on non-physical qualities. But if the girl is already into you, or her buying temperature is already quite high, you can screen and qualify her on her physical qualities and kino escalate very rapidly.
Since you’re screening her on physical qualities, you don’t need to ask any questions. Just by looking at her, you can tell whether she’s passed the screen. Duh. So basically, it’s all about how you qualify her.
I first learned this kind of escalation from Natural-MD. I later read a report by Ciaran of RSD who described a similar technique.
A. Verbal
Your compliments should be over the top.
“OMG, that red shirt is making your breasts look really luscious right now. It should be a crime to wear that.”
“Stop looking at me like that. You’re making me really turned on… no, stop it… really.”
“OMG, your lips are so sexy. You have no idea how hard it is for me not to kiss you right now.”
“There’s something about you… I can’t figure it out… But I just can’t resist touching you here… and here… and here…”
Again, calibrate. If she’s uncomfortable, make sure you pull back and use “backhand rejections.” See above.
You can also excuse yourself by saying:
“Okay, okay. I’ve got high standards. You can’t just take over my brain like this. Stop it. I’m not that easy.”
B. Physical
Of course, the whole point of this kind of screening and qualification is to escalate kino really fast. So be bold. This takes balls. And very solid inner game.
With each verbal escalation, you should be touching her in the relevant places. If you’re qualifying her on her lips, grab her face with your two palms and kiss her. If you’re complimenting her breasts, motion over her breasts. If you’re talking about her ass, slap her ass. Basically, using this kind of escalation, you can get to a makeout in a matter of minutes. And then you can dial down the sexual tension, since it’s hard to sustain for long periods, by connecting verbally before ramping up the physical believability again.
With the kind of over-the-top verbal qualifications you’re giving her, your physical escalations must be just as over-the-top! When you say she’s just so amazingly gorgeous that you had to stop and meet her, you should be as wide-eyed and mesmerized as you would if you were talking to the woman of your dreams.
Act as if you can’t control yourself, that you know it’s against social propriety to slap her ass (or whatever), but that you just can’t help it, and that you’re trying really hard to stop. And that it’s all her fault for causing you to lose control because she’s just so damned hot. You’re just over the edge of self-control here.
When doing a direct approach like, “Hi, I saw you walking by, and I just wanted to say, I think you are … beautiful… And I wanted to come over to meet you,” I like to seem overwhelmed by her beauty. My eyes are wide open with a doe-like expression (they’re probably dilated too), my stance is lilting as if I’m almost going to faint, and while my voice is clear, I don’t hesitate to add a little trembling.
BUT once I’ve approached, I’ve always still got the SCREENING FRAME, as if at any moment, she could say something stupid and fail my non-physical screens, and I’ll lose my attraction for her and have to next her. Btw, this is genuine.
There’s not that much technique to building believability on physical qualities. It’s pretty straight-forward. It’s the mental and emotional state and frame that carry the day.
So there you have it.
Believability is about whether she can believe that you like her as more than just a sex object, that she won’t be just another notch on your bedpost.
The easiest way to do this is to compliment her on her non-physical traits, but you can also give her over-the-top compliments on her physical qualities. Remember that these always work best when they’re genuine.
By doing this, you can escalate kino very very fast. Stack the screens and qualifications one on top of the other, and boom, she’ll be yours before you know it.
Happy playin’, The Asian Rake.
Oh, Canada!
March 11, 2008
Just landed in Toronto. God, it’s cold here. And the snow, well, there’s just so much of it, especially in suburban neighborhoods. It actually obstructs the view around street corners when driving. But it’s home…
New York City was f’ckin awesome! There are some really amazing Asian restaurants there! I got to spend quality time with family and with the man who started me on this journey of self-transformation, Christian Hudson.
Keep an eye out for the launches of his new products and projects. He’s working on stuff that will really raise the level of any guy’s game.
Traveling’s been fun. Boston and New York hold special places in my heart. However, it’s taken it’s toll, and I’m once again
in major need of sleep…
In the meantime, I’ll leave you with pics of Miss Asia 2006!
Cheers, The Asian Rake.
Transparency and Purpose as Cornerstones of Direct Game
March 3, 2008
I’ve been battling a cold. I kept walking around my place in Toronto as if I were still in Singapore, wearing just shorts and a t-shirt. From this and the interminable jet-lag, after a couple of days, I caught a cold and haven’t been able to shake it yet. The worst part is that I’ve got some very important work meetings in Boston in the next few days.
In the meantime, I want to talk about why someone using direct game can suck one week and then be super playboy the next. I don’t always go direct. But I find it the most efficient and the most fun! When you go in direct with genuine interest, you are putting it all on the line. You are transparent. Your intentions are clear to you, to her, to the world. There are techniques here, but those are minor compared to the major factor of having a clear intent.
I’ve found that I am most effective when I’m happy with where I am in life. For a long while, I had goals of reaching a certain body fat percentage and muscle mass, recovering and improving on my old facility with the saxophones, having a kickass bachelor pad, and attaining a certain fluency in Chinese. By late October last year, I had reached these goals or was well on my way (except for the music one; the excessive travel kept preventing that). I was content with where I was career-wise, too. So when I looked at a beautiful, high-status, high-value woman straight in the eyes, I could do so with confidence, putting my real self out there 100%.
There was a point in my life when I wasn’t able to do this. Looking back, I can see that it had a lot to do with the fact that I hadn’t made any progress on my goals in fitness, music, living standards, or linguistic facility, and I wasn’t proud of my job or my career path.
Similarly, I know a lot of guys who aren’t proud of where they are in life. They aren’t doing what they really want to do with their lives. They have dreams, but they aren’t taking any steps to achieve them. Sure, you can have lots of success doing direct game while being a janitor, but major successes will only come if you are proud of being a janitor or are happy spending your days as a janitor. Most guys wouldn’t. And that’s why most guys just can’t pull off direct game successfully. People can smell your discontentment. High-quality women and men can sense that you’ve compromised in life.
On a deeper level, it’s about purpose. See David Deida’s many chapters on this. I’m not talking just about your career goals or how much money you want to make. Your purpose could be to improve living conditions in Africa or to clean up the environment or to find homes for all the stray puppies in New York City. Your purpose can also change drastically every few years. The important thing is that you have a purpose that you are passionate about and that the purpose has nothing to do with pleasing women.
Here’s something that a few of my new clients need to hear: “Stop thinking about pickup! You’ve been doing it for years and going nowhere. Get your life handled first. Get a job you’re proud of. Make that career change you keep agonizing over. You have all these dreams you keep talking about. Start living them now. You’ve been meaning for years to get in shape, to learn to play the guitar, to learn how to scuba-dive, to learn how to ski or play golf. Now get off your ass and go to the gym, buy a guitar and learn how to play it, go scuba-diving, rock-climbing, skiing, and golfing. Do it. Now. Live in such a way that you can be proud of yourself. Then, when you’re comfortably progressing toward those goals, go approach that beautiful woman and look her straight in the eye and say with a serious expression, ‘Hi. I saw you standing here, and I just wanted to tell you, I think you are … (smile)… beautiful. My name’s [---]. Who are you?’”
Happy playin’, The Asian Rake.
-
__________________________
