I just got back to Canada after a few days in the US. It’s been great visiting with old friends and just plain catching up with ‘em, but I had too much fun and didn’t get nearly as much done as I had planned. This week’s going to be a killer, so I apologize in advance if I’m a little delinquent on the updates.
Here’s an excerpt from a recent email question by a blog reader:
“Hi Asian Rake,
… I’m a recent college grad and am now working in banking in New York… I did pretty well in my college days, but the girls out here in NYC are really different, especially the ones I’m meeting in my social circles who are really career-driven. As your game progressed, did you find that you were getting higher quality girls? Did you have to adjust your game? …
Great question, Ben! There were a lot of ways that I changed my socializing style as the kind of girls I was targeting moved up in social status. In future posts, I’ll talk more about different ways this manifested itself. In this post, I’ll discuss a minor shift in technique that had a HUGELY significant impact on my success with higher status women.
As I mentioned, I was just back in the small college town where I had my start. As my buddy Christian likes to say, “If you can get good here, you can get good anywhere.” This is a particularly difficult place for a 30-something guy like myself since the vast majority of the most attractive women are 18 year old sorority girls who have never left the country… and have not even tried sushi! Ugh, I know. How could I possibly relate? Incidentally and seriously, my game has adjusted to higher social-status girls, forcing me to re-adjust when I get back to college towns. There’s a disadvantage to everything, I guess.
Sure, I meet 18 year olds in China who have never left the country, but they all dream about traveling abroad and have concrete plans as to how they will achieve that. And of course, most of the girls in Asia I hook up with are in their twenties and already have their lives together, and some are extraordinarily successful financially and professionally.
One very interesting shit-test I get in Asia repeatedly, which I only ever got once in this college town, led me to a breakthrough realization. I get this test almost exclusively and very often from models, actresses, and girls in the entertainment industry. First, I’ll detail the specific test and how I handle it. Then, I’ll draw out a broader principle to apply across the board for such tests.
Let’s first review the common ways of dealing with shit-tests:
1. Ignoring (this is your best default response)
2. Idiot look (this is where you give and hold a skeptical look, as if she were a total idiot, for several seconds while inducing a “vacuum” and then saying, “Never mind” and continuing with what you were saying or simply looking away–very powerful; credit: Sebastian)
3. “Yes and…” (the classic improv comedy strategy). This is best done as an “Admit and Joke” or “Agree and Exaggerate” strategy.
4. Positive Misunderstanding/Misinterpretation
5. Acknowledge and Flow, which is basically threadcutting
These can work in most situations and all have their places. However, I started running into a specific shit-test whose best solution is none of these common techniques.
Here’s the specific shit-test: The first time I got this in China way back when, I was on a first date with a rich model, who also works in the movie industry, that I did a 5 minute number-close on through a direct approach (my favorite kind) at a theme party in a huge club. I called her three times the next day and kept getting a busy signal. She called me back an hour later. We hit it off on the phone and then we arranged to meet a few hours later that night.
The date was going great. And about an hour in, we started sharing photos. I pulled out my camera and did my usual photo technique, showing her photos of me on various adventures with stories attached to many of the pics.
Here’s where the test began: She then showed me photos she had on her camera-phone. She showed me some of her travel photos, some of which were really impressive, as she had worked on a feature-length blockbuster movie that was filmed on location in various exotic locales in China.
Then, she flipped to a photo of her from behind, posing completely naked except for a thong. Apparently, this was from some racy fashion shoot. She acted very blase and matter-of-fact about it, but I could feel that she was watching for my reaction. She then showed me pics of her topless, submerged up to her nipples in some giant water tank, which was for a major, big-scale photoshoot she had just done. And then she showed me more racy photos and more and more and more. It caught me off guard.
At first, I criticized the photo in a screening frame, “Wow, you look great, but there’s too much touching up here. Your skin tone doesn’t even look real.”
Her reply: “No. They touched it up here around the waist, but otherwise that was my real skin tone. I had to work really hard to get that tan.”
Then, she showed me another pic, and I scrutinized and criticized that one too for its imperfections. But she held her frame in a very casual manner, as if she were showing me photos of her dog. The more I criticized, the more try-hard I felt and the more it seemed like I was trying to hide how intimidated I was feeling.
I think given the circumstances, I did okay. By critiquing the photos and appreciating them in a non-sexual way, I showed that I wasn’t over-awed by her physical beauty, and that I could keep my cool in seeing her half-naked.
However, I got this same sort of shit-test from three more girls shortly after this. We’d be on our date, and after just an hour or two of knowing me, they’d pull out their cameras or phones and nonchalantly show me pics of them in skimpy bikinis or topless on some fashion shoot.
It finally dawned on me that this is a ROUTINE that hot girls use on guys to not only demonstrate higher value but also to throw you off your game and regain control of the frame.
The real issue was the frame control. They wanted to turn me on because in so doing, they could re-establish dominance in the interaction and over me. It’s the same when girls start talking about sex after you’ve just met them. They want to shock you and throw you off. Ultimately, they want to test if you’re comfortable with sex and sexuality and won’t turn into a horny perv.
Here’s the solution:
When she starts showing me those racy photos, I now say something like:
“Oh no, you’re not going to start showing me photos of you half-naked now, are you (with a smirk, leaning back, and a skeptical look)?…”
This is usually enough to get them asking, “What, what? What do you mean?” and to re-establish my frame.
But I also like to continue, “What’s with hot girls and photos of themselves half-naked, anyway? Almost every hot girl I meet does this. It’s like they can’t get enough of themselves. All the photos on their cameras are of themselves. How self-centered can you get (shaking my head in disapproving disbelief)? And it’s not just their cameras, their bedroom walls are plastered with photos of themselves. I think they secretly just want to turn guys on, but they don’t want anyone to know that they’re doing it.” (Note: This is not a routine or a memorized script; I made this up on the spot; I just say what’s on my mind at the time, truly calling her on it)
Usually before I can finish saying all this, she’ll interrupt me and say something like, “OMG, yeah, yeah! Just the other day, my galfriend had her phone out with a photo of her in a thong on the screen, and she left it out on the table by the bottles. And then guys took her phone and started passing it around to the other guys, gawking at it. And then, she pretended to be all offended and grabbed it back accusing them of being perverts. But she was such a faker. She knew what she was doing.” Or something to that effect.
My follow-up is, “Okay, now, let’s see what you’ve got. I hope you’re not as self-centered as the rest of them.”
I then grab the camera from the now nervous girl, “Oh, this is nice. Your ass looks really good here. You haven’t gained weight since this photo, right? I hope not because this is really turning me on. Nice job [wink, wink].” Proceed with sexual vibe escalation as usual.
Btw, everything I just wrote was a real conversation.
Haha, there you have it. Shit-test expertly navigated. Not only do you disarm the challenge, but you use it as a launching pad to qualify her, tease her, and escalate sexually.
Also, just to clarify (thanks to TD for emailing and asking about this), you do NOT have to memorize any speech or whatever. You could just stop after the first sentence, “Oh no, you’re not going to show me photos of you half-naked now, are you?!” I added the rest of that because it’s FUN for me! To keep it simple, just follow the principle below. And for shorter replies, see the examples I mention below.
How do we generalize this to apply to different situations?
It’s what I refer to as: PACE THE REALITY and then CALL HER ON IT.
This verbal technique applies a bit of “pacing the reality” and “flipping the script” frame control. She’s doing something that is socially unacceptable to you. Otherwise, you wouldn’t interpret it as a shit-test. So call her on it.
The basic pattern is: Pace the reality, then call her on it.
The reality is that ANY shit-test is a sign of interest. Pacing the reality means that you are talking about the frame of her testing you because a girl would only test you if she’s interested in you.
Here’s another example. A girl I had been talking to hadn’t been giving back to the conversation no matter how hard I tried. After several minutes, I was ready to walk away, but I gave her one last chance. We were standing side by side against the wall.
I said (after doing plenty of teasing and push-pull, but getting nowhere, I set up the convo so I can CALL HER ON IT) “So how has your night been going so far?”
Her: “How has yours been?”
Me: “It’s going all right. Well, I’m trying to have a conversation with a cute girl here (PACING THE REALITY), but she’s not holding up her end of the bargain (CALLING HER ON IT).”
Her: (Giggling and then turning around to face me fully) “Oh, I’m soo sorry. My gal-friend and I have had a long and stressful day, and we’re still decompressing.”
At this point, I could have continued the interaction like normal. But I had already spotted some other girls I wanted to talk to, so I exited.
Me: “Don’t worry about it (with a shrug and a smile). Maybe I’ll come around later when you two have gotten into a more social mood. Cheers!” Then I walked off.
They came over to talk to me about an hour later at the bar.
Now some guys might think this isn’t a shit-test and that she was just not into me. However, the fact is that she kept standing there and although her responses were minimal, she was still responding. Hence, in my mind, she’s definitely interested, but she’s just testing me to see if I have what it takes to persist. In other words, she’s testing my shit.
Another example that I’ve already written about is at the start of my interaction in the LR on the Maggie Cheung-look alike stewardess, which you can find here.
So there you have it. Some shit-tests require more drastic measures than ignoring, the idiot look, or “yes and.” Next time you encounter one that throws you for a loop, step back and call her on it!
Happy playin’, The Asian Rake.