Realism and Goal-setting
July 15, 2007
Last week, I met a good college friend here in Toronto for burritos and a couple of pints of beer, always a good combination. He’s my age, with a wife and a little girl. He’s also a pastor of a mainline Protestant church in a Toronto suburb. Just to give you some background, he’s a bright guy with amazing people skills. He’s great at talking to strangers and making them laugh. But he was raised in a blue-collar family, was the only one in his family to finish college, and really admires and respects education and learning, so this combination conspires to make him very insecure about his intellectual abilities. And he acts all shy and diffident around intellectual types, just the sort of people I hung around a lot during my Toronto days. He’s a pretty bright guy himself, but he’s got major, shall we say, inner game issues when it comes to getting ahead in the world. He even dropped out of college in his junior year because the Holy Spirit told him to, though I think it was really because he was on the verge of failing the same statistics course for the third time. Apparently, a year later, the Holy Spirit was okay with him going back to school, and he finished his degree.
So over some beers, I started to tell him about my new idea for doubling my income. It was based on the strategies I read in Timothy Ferris’s “4-Hour Workweek.” This is another amazing book recommended to me by Christian Hudson:
http://www.fourhourworkweek.com/
If you haven’t read it yet, get it. It’s a New York Times bestseller already. I bought an ebook version of it to take with me to Asia.
I started telling him that after using Ferris’s dreamline exercises, I discovered that I only need $4,500 a month to live my dream lifestyle in Shanghai. An equivalent lifestyle would cost me $10,500 a month in Toronto or even more in NYC. My friend cut me off asking, “But is that realistic?” It took me several heartbeats to figure out what he meant.
“Do you mean, is that realistic for Shanghai?” I asked.
“Yeah, can you get a job that pays that much in Shanghai?” he continued.
For some reason, I got really angry inside, though I tried really really hard not to show it. It was a strange feeling. Looking back, I think I got mad b/c he was reflecting back to myself my old middle-class attitudes and thinking, and I wasn’t far enough removed yet from my old way of thinking, and it scared me. I’ve been doing a lot of Napolean Hill-style affirmations and visualizations, as well as NLP techniques for auto-suggestion. I think I was afraid that I’d fall back again and all that work would be for naught if I started thinking in that old vein again.
You see, when you start to think big and dream about your future goals, the one question you should not ask is, “Is it realistic?” Instead, far better questions would be, “Do I really want this?” or “What would it take to reach that goal?”
No offense to him, but I can see now why he’s miserable in a dead-end job, in a passionless marriage, and stuck in boring suburbia. The only thing keeping him happy is his super cute little girl. I really wanted to help him, but you have to WANT to be helped before you can actually be helped.
When is it important to ask the, “Is it realistic?” question? I think the realism question can be fruitfully asked after you’ve considered the, “How can I reach that goal?” question, which itself comes after the dreaming and goal-setting.
Realism is important when you are considering how much you are willing to sacrifice to meet that goal. As well, you need to use some common sense, like if your goal is to learn to fly by flapping your arms, realism should kick in. But hey, who knows? Maybe one day somebody will develop a way to fly using our arms!
The problem with my friend was that making money for him was always associated with having a boss or having a “job.” This shows little imagination or creativity. Thinking big doesn’t come naturally to people anymore. One of the most important lessons the community has taught me is that you can become the master of your own reality. Or as Bruce Lee said, “As you think, so shall you become.”
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David, really great observations here. One thing to note is that most people never consider the huge number of choices they have in every aspect of their lives… simply because their parents, friends, teachers, etc. have all walked the same path single-mindedly and they are following in their footsteps. Most people follow this path because this path is clear - EVERYONE will tell you (family, friends, school, the media) - you go to college, then get a job, then get married, then buy a house, then have two kids, then send them to college, then retire. You are told “this is the way of things” so you listen and follow.
Some folks, like us, look around and realize there are LOTS of different ways to do anything we want to do… some of them MUCH more effective than what we’ve been taught (or not taught). With getting girls, with maintaining relationships, with making money, with friendship, with everything. Most people don’t see this though, and there’s nothing you can say that can MAKE them see it. Even if you show them (say, they see you pickup a girl from the bar or they see you make a lot of money from a business venture) they will just chalk it up to you being lucky or blessed or having something they don’t… it’s the lazy man’s way of saying, “That guy is better than me at this, but it’s not my fault, he’s just lucky.”
I find it’s best not to argue with these people… it’s better just to focus on making friends with people who look for possibilities, opportunities, and things they can take advantage of. The people you associate with have a lot of influence over you (much of it subconsciously) and you want to spend time with people who are open to new possibilities.
The question shouldn’t be, “Can I make $4500 a month in Shanghai?” It should be, “HOW can I make $4500 a month in Shanghai?”
Nice post. I think it is also good to note that everyone has different goals in life and in the community. Some guys want the notches on their belt sort of thing. Some guys want something more meaningful out of each of those “notches”, so the quantity doesn’t matter…
I believe that the “Is it realistic?” question should never be asked.
Human potential is infinite. If you need proof, just look at people who have accomplished incredible things (i.e. Walt Disney). No matter what environment or background someone has grown up in, there is someone from that same environment who has achieved immense wealth.
According to Anthony Robbins (one of the greatest life coaches in the world… he himself owns an island, a yacht, horses, and is paid millions a year by people for personal coaching): the WHY is more important than the HOW.
In other words, if you really know why you want to achieve that goal, you will automatically work towards achieving it.
If you can make it a MUST to be wealthy, not a SHOULD, then you will be wealthy.
Everyone gets what they must have. Very few people get what they should have. That’s why you should make being a wealthy a must (I have made it a must in my life).
To do this, write down your specific goal. I’m glad you have a specific number of dollars in mind because the more specific you are the easier it will be!
Then write down all the things you will be missing out on if you don’t achieve this goal. Think of all the pain. Think of the emotional, monetary, social costs of it. Think of the immediate as well as long-term pain you will experience. Close your eyes and visualize yourself at the age of 50, back hunched over, wrinkles on your face, with no respect from anyone because you did not pursue your goals. Because you did not respect yourself enough to follow these goals.
Now… Write down all you can gain from seeking and achieving this goal. All the pleasure you cold have from this. Advertise it to yourself. Visualize yourself at the age of 50, happy, confident, and still young because you have lived the live you wanted. Everyone respects you, and you respect yourself.
Go back to the present and LOOK FORWARD that you still have a choice of which path to follow. If you have enough leverage on yourself, you will achieve your goal.
Next time you want to ask yourself a question about your goal, don’t ask “Is it realistic?” That’s a negative question.
Instead, as you said, ask positive questions:
“What can I do RIGHT NOW to move myself toward this goal?”
or even better
“What can I do to make this goal a reality, and ENJOY the process?”
The Asian Rake said…
Wow, guys, thanks for the great comments! I can’t give all your comments the kind of responses they deserve, but I can give you my first impressions.
Regal,
I really like the way you rephrased that question. Not CAN but HOW. Succinctly put, my man. I couldn’t have said it better.
And yeah, even though this guy is a really loyal friend, I think it’s best to limit my overall time with him, at least until he realizes that his mindset is holding him back from realizing his dreams. But loyalty is an important character trait among friends for me, so I will try my hardest to always be there for him.
Thatguy,
Good point. It sounds just like an email I wrote to Chase (Regal–should we start using real first names now?) a few weeks ago.
Once I saw your post on the UM PCI blog, I realized that you had misread my sentence about the 50 girls a year thing. I said that it was an acceptable goal, but NOT mine. I’ll go back and put that in bold print so it’s easier for you to find again. I think it might be a fine goal for a recent college grad who is a carefree, happy go-lucky ESTP Jungian personality type. But anyone who knows me well will immediately see that I would never be happy banging 50 new girls a year. Actually, I had sex with over 30 girls in 2.5 months in China (I honestly lost count), including 2 threesomes and a foursome, and I was still miserable with myself. Only 3 of those girls really mattered to me, and I didn’t treat them as well as they deserved. I also posted a long, reflective essay on this topic in theApproach’s alumni forum. Maybe I’ll post it on here for you guys to look at and comment on.
I’ve also been reading A LOT in social psychology on the research about subjective well-being (happiness). I’ve discovered some very valuable information that I think community guys could benefit a lot from.
Nizar,
“The WHY is more important than the HOW.” I totally agree. Actually, I have only just come to realize WHY I should bother finishing this PhD, and now I’ve got a renewed determination to get this fuckin’ thesis done with.
A lot of community guys have championed Tony Robbins, but I haven’t read any of his stuff yet. There’s just so much out there. Is there a free online resource of his that you would recommend I start with?
Have you read Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill, yet? If you haven’t, I found a free pdf of the whole book, which I can email to you. It was Hill who wrote that you had to have a definite, concrete goal in mind, otherwise, you’ll never reach it.
Hey Rake, great stuff. I had this realization a few years ago before I got into the community while I was trying to figure out some life stuff. It’s gold.
I work in business, and one of my big priorities is getting those around me to think BIG. I *hate* hearing “It’s just not realistic” because what I really hear is “I don’t want to expand my mind and think about how we can get to this goal.” One of our company values is “lam duoc” which in Vietnamese means “can do”.
Similarly, I’ve realized that I cannot spend time with people who time and again fall short of living exciting, full lives due to constraining and limiting beliefs. They pull me down and pollute (yes, “pollute”) the positive outlook that brings joy and goodness to my life and those around me.
Peace,
Rainmaker
Hey Rainmaker,
I totally agree.
I too want only to surround myself with such people, but they are comparatively rare…